Engagement excitement and Urbana blues

Well sisters, in case you were all drugged up after medical procedures recently and missed it, I am officially engaged. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post that here or not, but I figure the only people who read this know us all well enough to know that. I also figure I'll be using this blog for wedding detail venting in the near future...

It's really odd to be engaged. I am so unbelievably excited, but it seems crazy that the time has actually come. :) I've been thinking about getting married for the last 5 years and now I can plan (and need to!!) without feeling weird about it. I cannot wait to get married and finally be with the best man in the world for a lifetime. I am so blessed!

On a much less jovial note, Urbana is not a good time. I don't want to sway anyone's thoughts about the conference itself. I'm sure the conference is great. But unfortunately I wouldn't know. Sunday night my boss made it sound like I'd be doing kind of trivial amounts of work. I was actually starting to feel bad that I'd be paid. Then came today. I no longer feel bad. Man, is this a lot of work. It's just another reminder of how journalism is not my favorite, second favorite or even 194th favorite thing to do. At present, I am sitting in a press room with one other person, unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing because my boss ran off with a microphone and I didn't get to ask if I could join the large group session with all the other students. The stresses of a newsroom are just not for me. I don't like not knowing what I'll do the next day and I don't like working on a deadline. But enough complaining I suppose. Just thought I'd share what I definitely won't be doing with my life! (Sorry to Ruth and Greg if you ever read this.)

I'm a little bummed I don't get to spend new years with you all. Of course, I'm actually secretly rejoicing that Heather won't be with me because, let's be honest Heathie, all of your new year's suck, and I really don't want that to rub off. Now that I think about it though, I think I'd take that risk to celebrate with my Beadies :) My dad keeps saying the Lake is no problem...but I do have yet to ask my grandma (I'm thinking she'll forget if I ask her now anyway). That will be fun though and I can't wait to see you three there. Sounds like we all could use the R&R plus a little quality friend time. I appreciate you all so much! Thanks for letting me vent. ((Anticlimactic blog ending stops now.))

-e l i s a

Maybe my first "HAPPY New Year"?

I am sooo excited sisters!! Tomorrow morning I am leaving for Lebanon, PA and will be there till a few days into 20'10!! lol (As I told Elisa...I am defintelyy gonna call it "twenty ten" as opposed to "Two thouusandd and tenn"). i dont know, it just sounds more futuristic to me. : ) I know that you girls agree with me when I say that New Years is typically very unsatisfying. As Heather said today, its not like we necessarily go into it WITH expectations of any kind..but we are always left feeling down. Twin and I are at least. I really haven't had a goood New Years Eve since I was 14 or 15 honestly, which is pretty sad. I was hesitant to going on this little adventure for a while because as much as I never have a fun time around herre on New Years...I didn't know if I wanted to change my typical patterns. However, little by little I've become sooo pumped to see all of the interns (well, minus one) and even one of the missionaries! And you know, I think changing my patterns was exactlyy what I need.
I've been realizing just how much I need to be around the interns I spent a whole summer with. Honestly, no one but them can truly understand what my experience was like! It will be nice for all of us to just laugh and talk and remember together. Well women, I will see you all soon (especially since we'll hopefully be at the cabin in a couple weeks? Love you all and hope you each make the most of our New Year! Woot Woot!

xoxo,
Hannah Grace

Don't call me Ebenezer...

So, maybe after reading my last blog, you thought I was completely devoid of Christmas spirit.
I'd like to think that I'm not completely bitter. So, maybe, for the sake of my own spiritual walk, I will do everything in my power to ensure that I will NEVER again work retail over the holidays. But all in all, as Christmas approaches, I'm getting really excited! I feel like I've learned a lot about the significance of Christmas this year, and the Lord is showing me through this approaching holiday how faithful he is to keeping his promises!

And, in the spirit of things, I think I have a new favorite Christmas carol. For years, I've been split between The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting...) and, Oh Come Oh Come Immanuel. The first, because I'm a sucker for Bing Crosby, and the second, because I like singing "rejoice!" in my upper register. Both dumb reasons for a Christmas carol to me my favorite. This year, I can't get enough of O Holy Night. Seriously, I'm in love with the lyrics. They pretty much sum up the importance of Christmas.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of Our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world In sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd And the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope The weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks A new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts By His cradle we stand.

So led by light of A star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men From Orient land.

The King of Kings Lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials Born to be our friend.

He knows our need, To our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Before Him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us To love one another;

His law is love And His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break For the slave is our brother;

And in His name All oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy In grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us Praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory Evermore proclaim.

His power and glory Evermore proclaim.

I'm in love with how in three verses, it tells us how we were before Christ, how he came, and what we ought to do about it. THAT is Christmas spirit.

trippy pictures

Heather + a Mac + beady reunion + old Quest notes = this

:)

Let’s talk about Advent. Correction: Let’s listen to Kate RANT about Advent.

[I wrote this blog late last night. It is long, and kind of angry. Sorry. To break up the angry paragraphs, I am putting pictures in between them. They have nothing to do with this blog. I just went out on a photo shoot today and I can't help but think that winter is beautiful. Something about the natural greys and how every photo looks black and white even though I didn't take them in black and white. Oh, and the frost! So anyhow, let blog reading commence.]

I’m in a dilemma this year. Why does Advent always result in so many dilemmas?

I believe many things about Christmas. I believe that it should be a joyful celebration. I also believe that even if nearly every American Christmas tradition comes from an ancient pagan one, the main idea behind Christmas is worth celebrating (if the main idea is to celebrate how God sent his Son to live on Earth with us crazy humans and die and rise so he could save us from our crazy human sins.) I believe that Christmas is a beautiful representation of God working together everything for HIS glory. If you want to see God’s orchestration of things, read the Christmas story. But first, read all the prophecies about Jesus’ birth. I have to tell you that if I were a first century Jew, and I had to read all those prophecies and figure out what God meant, I would have been clueless, and then I would have imposed my own meaning on all those prophecies, and then I would have been totally proven wrong when Jesus came and did his whole “Kingdom of Heaven,” “The way, the truth and the life” bit (which reminds me, I’ve been thinking lately that we probably can’t really be so presumptuous as to say we know a whole lot about what the end times will look like… I gather that God will probably surprise us then too. But that’s a whole other blog).

Here’s what I don’t believe about Christmas. I don’t believe that it should be limited to one day. It should always be celebrated, by the way we live and breathe and talk and pray and eat and dance and so on. I’m just as bad at keeping the celebration going as the next guy, but that’s really beside the point. I don’t believe that it should be stressful. I don’t think God wants us to be stressed about much of anything, let alone the day that commemorates his son’s birth. And I don’t think it should be materialistic. I have been thinking a lot, and I think that gift-giving on Christmas is one of the worst things about Christmas. I heard someone say that we give gifts on Christmas because the Magi gave gifts to Jesus on Christmas. First of all, check the bible. The Magi gave gifts to Jesus after Mary and Joseph took Jesus back to Nazareth. And considering they couldn’t hop a train, and Mary had just given birth, I’m going to guess they didn’t start heading back the day of the birth. So, those gifts the Magi gave, they weren’t birthday presents, or Christmas presents. They were king presents. Those gifts were saying, “Hey Jesus, Immanuel, we believe that YOU are the King, and here are some things that kings should have. Merry Christmas.” (Paraphrased) So the Magi aren’t why we give gifts. I’m not really sure why we do actually. It doesn’t seem like Jesus really wanted us to have a lot of stuff lying around. And most of us already do… so why more? And why in the name of Jesus?

I would like to say, for the record, that I am finished with my Christmas shopping. Almost everyone got clothes. Except for my grandpa, who is getting a book on wine making, because he is retired and is finding new hobbies, and my Grandma, who is getting a china relish tray, because she gets excited about things like relish trays. Well, I was fairly happy with all my selections. I work at Old Navy, and while I’m working, I see things that remind me of members of my family, and I joyfully bought them those things. I bought my dad a sweater. Then, about a week ago, my dad and I were in the car. Out of the blue he says, “You know what I really don’t wear much of anymore? Sweaters.” Seriously? So now I have this big problem. Do I return this sweater? Do I keep it and give him the gift receipt? Do I throw in the towel and give up on presents all together?! Because that sounds really nice right about now… It sounds like a small thing, but you all know the Christmas present dilemma. How much is too much to spend, but how much makes me too cheap? Do I try to surprise people or just get them what they asked for to be safe? Well, I vote to get rid of it all together. Of course, that will never happen. It’s expected. My cousin (the crazy one) recently announced that he doesn’t want to receive presents anymore, which of course sent everyone into a tizzy about how offensive that is. So asking to stop receiving presents is out, because that offends. But if you’re going to keep receiving them, then you have to give them, because otherwise, other people are spending money on you that you didn’t spend on them, and we have to be fair about this business. And the sad thing about this whole dilemma is that I actually do like giving gifts. I like picking things out for people. I like making things for people. But something about the gifts being an expected, burdensome thing makes it less special, and less significant.

But you know the real problem I’m having? Working in retail this Christmas season has been sickening. A coworker told me the other day that she’s working so many hours this Christmas season that she’s not even going to have time to see her family and friends, and she can’t wait for Christmas to be over. I see people every day come in and split their huge bills between credit cards, because almost all their cards are maxed out with presents. What is wrong with us?! Why do we think that stuff will make us happy? Why has Christmas turned into a day about wrapping paper and sprinkles on cut-out cookies and new electronics and piles and piles of presents? It’s so frustrating, and I have no idea what to do about it.

On the up side, I am learning a ton about God this Advent. I’ve been helping teach this Sunday school class for the junior highers, and the prep-work I’ve been doing has been giving new depth to some things in scripture that I had glazed over in the past. And I’m finding out more about how to rely on Him, even when his plan isn’t completely evident to me yet, because I know that He already has the plan, and it is great, and I can’t wait to find out what it is!

SMILE! Finals are almost over!

Well, they are over for Hannah and me, but this is for the other two beadies who aren't home yet!
I'm obsessed with this kid! So adorable! And freakishly talented with a ukulele!





Good luck finishing up! See you soon!

Merry Christmas!

Just to remind everyone how great Christmas was, is and always will be! (Ok, that sounded somewhat sacrilege...you know what I mean!) Love you, girls!

A question mark for each of us

WHOA! What the heck happened? Where did all these blogs come from? I feel like I have to write one just to fit in! Yesterday morning I was about to post something that said "where are my beadies?" due to the lack of activity. Ironic.

I thought I'd respond to you all at once instead of writing individual comments. (Maybe that sounds rude or something, but time is hard to come by these days...) I am going to go in descending order from top to bottom of our blog.

Hannah Grace. I don't like this new Hannah. She doesn't sound fun or energized or exceptionally happy. She doesn't sound like my sister who tells me stories that are so crazy I think "this would be a lie if anyone else told it," or who has crazy dance parties or who likes to cuddle and sleep. I wish I could just hold onto you for a whole day and cry with you and sew up your wounded heart (ok, I'd pass out if I did that, but you get the imagery). We need to talk soon. I can't wait to be home with you, my love.

Oh, and as for cutting your hair, don't do it yet. I want one last look at your beautiful locks :)

Kate Elizabeth. I really appreciated your post. How very unhelpful it is when people try to lighten the subject of death by "relating," when really all they're doing is tearing you up into smaller pieces by telling you it's no big deal, therefore suggesting your soul has no right to mourn. You're at the funeral today, and I am praying for you and your whole family. May God be glorified through all of this, and may he give you strength unknown. We're all here for you in any way you need, Kate. Death is more than just "bad news." It's soul tearing.

Heather Grace. You are not making me look forward to the job hunt...On a lighter note, I can't wait till you're home. Answer your phone once in a while! Like I said for Hannah, I wish I could just cuddle with you. I feel like all four of us are one big pile of stress and subjugation right now, and it's not becoming to any of us. Why is Christ's call not to worry about anything so incredibly hard to reach? You'll find a job, Heathie. Keep on truckin', you're almost home. And thank God!

Elisa Lynne. I am in an extremely uncomfortable, terrifying and stressful place with a friend at school. I cannot divulge more, but my friend (and I as well) really need all of your prayers. It's literally come to a matter of life and death. I continue to ask myself, to ask God, "Why does everything have to happen all at once?" So far, I haven't gotten an answer. And yet at the end of the day, all I can say is, "God, you are sovereign. You are unsurprised. You are always Good."

I love you all so deeply. Take care my precious sisters.

I wait for you, O Lord;

you will answer, O Lord my God

O Lord, do not forsake me;

be not far from me, O God.

Come quickly to help me,

O Lord my Savior.

-Psalm 38:15, 21, 22

~elisa

Less Speech Creates More Words

Alright you beautiful women, I'm sorry for not blogging in a while. My life has been a bit of a whirlwind and in the midst of all of it, I have decided there is something wrong with me. So get ready girls, because this blog is about to be an outpouring of thoughts and fears that I've been harboring for a while now. It's literally as if I'm fighting against my own being so that who I am/ even my personality doesn't quickly slip away from me. There have been several factors to what I call "The New Hannah". One, I can't sleep...I don't go a single night where I don't have a nightmare of some kind. These are usually about me being abducted, injured, a loved one being injured, or just being chased by someone. I wish it stopped there though. These nightmares are so intense and horrible, that I've actually been having night terrors. My mom literally on a semi regular basis has to come running into my room and wake me up out of these awful dreams because she hears me screaming out loud. I also sometimes have lucid dreams..where my body is awake..I am aware that I am awake..yet I am stuck mentally in a nightmare. Therefore, it feels like my entire body is paralized and I feel myself trying to push through to consciousness. Sooo that's that!

Another aspect of me feeling different is my lack of social life. However, it's not as though I never have opportunity to be social, I just have absolutely no desire. And yes..I know that sounds like depression or something! But honestly..I don't feel depressed (I for sure can know that)...I don't feel stressed at all..so why am I all of a sudden so introverted? This is also another reason why I'm super excited that it's about the end of the semester, because being around that many people all the time was becoming unbearable. I find that I get really anxious and uncomfortable when I'm around both large anndd small groups of people. Soo in general..groups. This makes no sense to me..the old Hannah was pretty social, enjoyed people's company.

The last aspect of my seemingly new lifestyle..is my lack of appetite. Literally I forget to eat because I have absolutely nooo hunger! I haven't craved anything in..I don't even know how long. So its like...I eat..but it's become so chore-like that it bothers me. Wow..this really is sounding more and more like depression! Ahh but I'm telling you it's not. It's like..I dont feel sad or mad...but I'm becoming a very apathetic person.

Anyways, I really didn't want to be the downer here...but that's really all that I've been thinking about lately and just had to let you all know. On a happier note, I have been having a great time working...and on a completely unrelated note, have basically decided TO in fact cut all my hair off! Like..soon! lol. I am really excited and exhilerated by the idea and have been talking Katie's ear off about it. : ) Soo I want feedback on something (mainly from twin and sister). Should I wait till you two come home to cut it? Or shall I surprise you!? lol I really just want someone else to make this decision for me so that I don't keep putting it off. Well, I love you all verryy much and don't know what I would do without your friendship. Can't wait for you all to be in my arms...at once! It's gonna happen. : )

God's Beloved,

Hannah Grace

.

Hello all.

First, I realize I've been incredibly distant for the past few weeks, not just from this blog, but from you in general, whoever you are. I have not been telling people how I actually am lately. (You know the drill; someone says "How are you?" And rather than vomiting emotions all over them, you smile and say "fine.") Well, I'm not fine. And even admitting that by typing it makes me want to cry, like I just remembered how much things suck right now.
And, as always, whenever I need to really process and pray and cry, I don't have the time or energy to do it.
My grandpa died a week ago. And it was supposed to be easy, because we've expected it for so long. But it wasn't easy. It was one of the hardest things I have ever seen or been through.
Tomorrow is the funeral. Jon and I are singing a song during the service. I am so glad to be able to be a part of the service, but the prospect of singing tomorrow only means that I have to try to keep my emotions from getting stuck at the back of my throat so I don't sound like a horse while I'm singing. I'm praying that Jon doesn't cry, because if he goes, I'm going...
And this happening, it makes everything else in my life seem so inconsequential. My finals and papers; I have never cared less about them than I do now. My relationship with God has been completely apathetic on my end, which frustrates me just enough to feel guilty, but apparently not enough to do anything about it.
Everything that's happened in the last week keeps playing in my head, and when I sat down tonight, my intent was to explain everything that's happened, and now I'm struck by how much I don't want everyone to know all those things. There's something wrong with typing the most personal and painful moments of my life in this little box and letting anyone in the world read it. They are stories that will need to be written, and spoken, but not here, and not now.
Today, I was sitting in a lounge on campus waiting for my final to start. My notebook was in my lap, giving the appearance that I might be studying, but I wasn't. This girl from my class started talking to me. I barely know her, but I ended up telling her that my grandpa had died. She told me she understood, and that someone in her family had just died. But then, she started telling me about every person she knows who has died. People in high school. Parents of friends. Uncles. Grandparents and great grandparents. And she said it all matter-of-factly, and even made some comment about how accepting she was of death and that's why she could talk about it so easily. I don't even know her but I sat there staring at my knees saying nothing when all I wanted to do was scream at her that these were human lives she was talking about and that they deserved more than to be put into a category of all the people she knows who have died in car wrecks. People mean so much more than how they die... it's how they've lived that is worth remembering!
Anyway, with all this going on in my head and heart, I think break is coming at a good time. I can choose to surround myself with people I love so that I don't have to pretend that my skin is any thicker than it really is. I can't wait to hug you girls, and cry with you, and laugh with you, and dance with you. It's going to be seriously good.

Love,
Kate

The Job Update

I am burned out. Not from a crazy stressful academic semester, as is usually the case. Rather, I am burned out from thinking about and trying to plan for the future. I realized today that job searching has become my full-time job. Ironic? I think so. I don't even intend it, but almost every time I am online for whatever reason (which, let's face it, is often), I start looking at jobs and then applying for them. In case you weren't aware, applying for a job online is a lengthy process, and once you start, it is difficult to stop until you are finished. So I find myself spending hours and hours each day reading job descriptions, seeing if I am qualified, deciding if I would hate it (I'm not necessarily looking for my dream-job here), filling out their specific application, and recently, writing individualized cover letters for each position. It's draining. And strangely addicting. I can't even count the number of jobs I have applied for, ranging from positions like a mental health counselor to a research study coordinator to a study abroad program advisor to working in a residential home for people with developmental disabilities. I have definitely applied to more than 15 jobs at different places (universities, hospitals, non-profits, mental health clinics etc). Honestly, I haven't heard back from hardly any of them. So far, only one place has called me back, and it was for a job that I am not that interested in. I did have a phone interview with them, though, and I have a face-to-face interview set up for early February. So I guess that's positive. I just don't know if it's really a good choice for me.

Anyway, like I said, I'm getting burned out. It probably doesn't help that it's the last week of the semester and everyone is stressed out and cranky. All I really want right now is to be home, in my pajamas, hanging out with my beadies, and to be completely done with school. Most of that will be possible in just over a week, and I cannot wait! I really need some encouragement, and I long to spend time with the people that know me the best. I hope you're all doing well and that finals won't be too bad. And feel free to call me sometime in the next week if you have time.

Love,

Heather

just a boring update

So I don't really have anything to say, which typically means that I do, but I don't know it yet. So congratulations to all of you who get to hear me think out loud.

Thanksgiving was chaotic this year. People keep asking how it was and I keep wanting to say, "Great!" but am never able to, so instead I pause awkwardly and say, "Uh, it was, uh, good. Yeah, it was good." And then people ask how it really was (although I frankly think my response is pretty clear that I don't want to discuss it), and I'm not sure what to say and I walk away wondering why I couldn't just smile and say, "Great! How was yours?"

My Thanksgiving was not miserable. It really was very good to see my family and a friend or two. But it was not relaxing either. A 6am drive home to see seven international students at our house Thanksgiving (wonderfully entertaining, but so exhausting); a doctor's appointment on Friday (not helpful), as well as a Providence reunion at my house (great, but I got mad for no reason and freaked everyone out); a crazy, busy family-day picking out a tree and seeing a play on Saturday; a bizarre church service (Pastor B mentioned both "bling" and "grills" during the service...oh dear) and a long drive home on Sunday (Matt and I actually did get to relax and see 500 Days of Summer that night too, but neither of us liked it--Kate and Han, we need to talk :) ). I'm not sure you all needed a play-by-play of my weekend, but I warned you I had nothing to say. Anyway, I guess my point is that the biggest thing that came out of my time off was a huge pile of longing for Christmas break to get here already. I've been so moody this semester, especially as we approach break. I'm not sure what it is, but my patience is wearing thin and I find myself only wanting to be around a select number of people. Am I just an anti-social jerk? Is this some sort of season? Should I just get over myself and smile? I'm not sure why, but I've been so dissatisfied with so much lately. Any direction on this front would be helpful. I listened to a sermon on contentment, but it was mostly about finances, and that's not really the trouble. I'm not sure what is.

Well ladies, as usual, bottom line is I miss you three a lot. I can't wait for a break when I can spend real time with each of you and not just time when I'm packing or hosting. In the meantime, I've been pondering these verses:

I know your deeds; you have a reputation for being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God.

-Revelation 3:1b-2

Peace,

elisa

Inspired & Confused

Okay, I have to admit: I've been a little behind on my beadybeady blog reading lately. In fact, I just sat down and read the last four blogs posted by you lovelies, because that's how far behind I was. All I can say is...wow, you all are so encouraging! For the past few weeks I have been feeling completely out of whack spiritually, but not in the way that it usually happens with me. Typically, I would realize after about two weeks that I have not spent much time praying or reading my Bible, and then I'd sit down, feel horrible, talk to God, and make a "commitment" to myself and to Him that I was going to change. This time, things have been different. True, I have not been spending much time reading my Bible these past few weeks, but in all honesty, I am not feeling horrible. I am not feeling like a total screwup Christ-follower, and I'm not even feeling like I need to make some serious changes in my daily time commitments. It's weird, because I feel like I have been surrounded by various people lately talking about their "time with God" like it's just such a normal, assumed part of life. Um, can I just say...it's not. Yes, I think there is a lot of value in reading your Bible daily and setting aside specific times to spend with the Lord. However, since middle school, I have tried at this and gone through significant periods of time in which I read the Bible every day, like clockwork. And I will admit to you now that very little of that daily reading was done because I was really seeking to deepen my relationship with God, and very much of that was done because I was told that's what I was "supposed" to do. How sad is that? Do you think God is really pleased with me reading the Bible just so I can say that I did? I have been thinking about this more and more since coming to college, and especially in the last six months or so, and I'm starting to believe that He probably feels more loved by me when I choose to read the Bible (even if that happens less often) as opposed to doing it as a part of a daily routine.

I just read through Matthew in my New Living Translation, because I am really interested in reading about what Jesus actually said and how he actually lived. (By the way, I mention the NLT because it is literally giving new life to the verses I have heard my entire life only from the NIV) You know what I'm realizing? Jesus said a lot of stuff that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. He even said some things that I consider pretty controversial and that, based on my interpretation, are a little hard for me to swallow. Why doesn't anyone talk about these things? Okay, it's very possible that I am just reading the verses wrongly, but how the heck are we supposed to read these things in the context they were intended? I think I need my own personal ancient-Greek scholar to explain them to me. Oh wait...I already have one! ;)

Wow, I am really sorry. This is actually not at all what I intended to blog about. Hello, tangent! I guess you all got inside my mind a little bit! And that is the beauty of blogging. Perhaps I will write my original thoughts for you later, and perhaps not. I hope you all have an excellent rest of the week...and a week from today, we'll all be on Thanksgiving break!! :D

Besos y abrazos,

Heather Grace

Ask a thousand "what ifs," but all that matters is "what is"

Hello sisters. I always feel like I need a disclaimer before I blog, so this time there will not be one. Just to stick it to me. Or you. Or whoever I'm sticking it to.

This weekend ended up rather on the eventful side. I took my friend Kayla to dinner with my roommate, I saw Rob Young as a fairy king in A Midsummer Night's Dream, I dressed as a man for Terra Firma, I went to two surprise parties, I acted the part of a snotty doctor in Sunday school, I got lost, and I came face to face with my demise. Ok, call me dramatic, but I have never in my life been so close to death as I was this weekend. And no one even died.

On Sunday, I was talking to Hannah on the phone while driving up to Middle-of-Nowhere, Michigan for a Terra Firma (aka L.J.) event. I was coming late, hence I was alone. I was just a few miles away, so I glanced down at my mapquest directions to double check the exit. Mid-glance I heard and felt the large vibrations of a rumble strip beneath my tires. I swerved quickly to adjust my miscalculation, but the wheel just kept moving back and forth. Before I knew it, I had lost all control, fishtailed across the highway, rolled over twice and landed miraculously on the wheels of my car. Poor Hannah was still on the phone, calling my name after undoubtedly hearing me scream bloody murder. The rest was a blur. I talked to Hannah, my mom, a lady who had pulled over and told me to stay in my car, a first response team, a bunch of EMT people from the ambulance, a cop. I was rushed to the hospital with an IV in my arm and a neck brace around my neck, completely bound to some sort of plastic stretcher. At the hospital, I listened to doctors discuss whether they should cut my pants and bra off, whether I needed CAT scans or not and what I needed in my IV. The hospital was small, and protocol was certainly not followed in about a million ways, but I was ok in the end. The three CAT scans came back negative, the neck brace came off, and after about 4 hours, I was free to go home.

Of course, much more happened during the day, a lot of embarrassing things, a lot of annoying things, a lot of frightening things. But now I'm really just wondering about the aftermath of all this. I'm having a difficult time. I am feeling a million emotions at once. I'm feeling incredibly grateful that God spared my life and even spared me much injury. I'm feeling guilty because the whole thing was my fault and I ruined my dad's car and could've hurt others. (I'm thankful that I did not.) I'm feeling emotional, spontaneously crying out of nothing more than shock. I'm feeling lonely because no one quite gets why I'm upset. Mostly I'm feeling frustrated that I keep thinking about this stupid accident and frustrated that I'm emotional over it at all. It was my fault, I'm fine, it's over. That should be it, right? But something I never would've expected has crept up. It's almost like depression. Post-traumatic stress. I'm not sure what to label it, I just feel so many things at once and it's hard to concentrate on anything else. Everyone says it'll be a few days, weeks even, before I calm down. I suppose that's normal. But I guess I feel like I have no right to be so affected by it. I haven't even consciously thought, "I could be dead right now," more than a few times (and I could be--anyone who saw my demolished car knows I should be far more injured), but I believe that belies all of the emotion. The knowledge that I am in no way in control, and I cannot stop fishtailing cars. I cannot stop life when it careens out of control. And frankly, that knowledge is a little much for me.

I wish I could say that all is well because I've realized that although I am not in control the Lord is. I know this would be an appropriate and good Christian response; but if I told you that's what I'd learned I'd be lying. My relationship to the Lord is no better than it was Sunday morning. My understanding of his outrageous providence is no more real to me. Of course I recognize his hands have been all over me this weekend, but I haven't felt them enough to respond with a complete life change. I know that sounds horrible, but perhaps it's because he's saved my life before, in a much more significant way. Maybe I'm just insensitive.

What I have learned (or at least been reminded of) is that you can't change the past. Ask every "what if?" you can think of and still all that matters is "what is." That, to me, is sobering. No matter how many times I think, "I should've just been paying attention earlier and not gotten lost," or "I should've kept my eyes on the road," I still won't change the fact that I skidded off the road and put my life in jeopardy. On that note, no matter how long I wallow in my sin, no matter how many times I say, "what was I thinking?" it won't change what's been done. Sometimes I forget that my actions actually mean something. That they could mean something. The amount of power God has placed in our hands is much greater than I realize. Every move I make is important. My life, the lives of others, could be at stake. God wants me to work with him, to give him control, because if I don't, I mess all that up. Only God can handle this kind of power. And so we try our best to let Him.

Through it all, I knew, I know, that the Lord is with me. Whether I feel Him or not. Whether I watch for Him or not. Praise be to the King of kings.

Blessed,

e l i s a

Tis the Season....

Yeah... I couldn't help myself.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Could this be a turning point?

I had zero intention of blogging tonight, but Jesus just blew my mind, and I was afraid that if I didn't write about it, and fast, that the awe would be gone by morning.

Here's what happened.

First, I started writing in my journal. Here's a little excerpt: "It's so frustrating because I feel like I come back to this over and over. I always write about how I'm ignoring Jesus & I get convicted of it & then nothing changes. Is the conviction not real? Is the repentance not real? All I know is that somewhere along the line, something is off. I'm convinced that Satan is determined to get me so hung up on my inadequacies that I am unable to serve the One True God. How can I walk the line between healthy humility & self-hatred? Nothing about me is sufficient, & yet, by the grace of God, I can glorify & serve Him!"

Then I started to read today's entry in My Utmost for His Highest which I haven't picked up in a while, so it is truly a God thing that it was so applicable to my current dilemma. Here's part of what Mr. Chambers had to say: "If you seek great things for yourself, thinking, 'God has called me for this and for that," you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God's interests.... I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me... and all he asks of me is that I trust him.... When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything he chooses." And here is the kicker: "Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world." Thank you Oswald Chambers for hitting it home!

Ok, but seriously, we've all been there, right? We've all said, "God, my plans are your plans. Take over. I submit fully to you!" And then the next day we try to take it back. Hell, sometimes we try to take it back the second we get done praying. It's like when I try to ride my bike with no hands. I know I can do it, but the second I let go, I doubt that I can maintain balance, despite the amount of times I've done it before. I always try to steady myself immediately. Oh, how ironic, because my attempts to steady myself are so futile compared to the control that God has over my life!

Finally, I turned to 1 John. 1 John 5:3 to be exact. "This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world.(!!!!!!) This is the victory that had overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." (note: all of 1 John 5 blew my mind tonight... so to get the full context, go read it.)

Seriously, let's talk about overcoming the world shall we? First of all, God's commands are not a burden. John says that as a matter of fact. Like it's easy not to feel burdened. But the feeling of burden is not from God; it's from the world. For the world, following God's commands is the hardest thing ever. In fact, it's impossible. But for God, keeping the law is not impossible. So if we are born of God, which we are, we overcome the world and we are no longer slaves to our sin! (Ok... so I'm referencing Paul a bit... )

Oh my gosh, I can't quite explain why this verse was so encouraging to me, other than maybe to say that right now, at a time when I feel utterly defeated by the world, I needed that reminder that God overcame it through his son Jesus. And I was born again (forgive the cliche) and not only am I not defeated by the world, but I can overcome it! Satan is powerless next to the God that I serve. Through my inadequacies, God's glory can be revealed, because any good thing that I do is a result of God's mercy and grace. The end.

Everlasting.

What an awful feeling to lay in bed at night going over the day in your head and suddenly feel sick to your stomach when you realize that God was in no way a part of it. Yes, God is omnipresent and therefore always with me, but just because someONE is there...doesn't mean you will recognize them. Wow, what selfish beings we are. I know I'm not the only one who goes through this, but that definitely does not lighten the fact.
I truly have been seeking and yearning for time with the Lord. It's (not too be ironic, seeing as how I'm sick alllll of the time) literally the medicine I really need. How easy is it to get completely wrapped up in our own lives, and quickly find that though you may have accomplished a lot that day...the way you went about accomplishing those things might not have been glorifying to God? That though blows me away. I could work my butt of in school all day, and yet God very well may not be glorified through it. In ways He is, because I am doing my very best and what not, but if I'm sacrificing God as even a thought while I am doing it...then it's no good. I want to be in constant prayer with God, not just pray when I need something or randomly think of someone else...but always. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep I love the idea that I could be praising God. What a comfort to know that there is someone who is always there with you! Who never leaves you! His love endures FOREVER...it's everlasting. That fact alone, should help me never to complain again about anything.
Twin! Cant wait for you to come home! And Elisa I hope you are well and I am looking forward to chatting with you on the phone sometime! : ) Katesters...you know you love your Jezasheeba. ha!

Starting this Story

I went to hear Donald Miller speak this week. Good stuff. I came away with some things that have continued to be thought provoking.

To give you the gist, he talked about what makes a good story. He started by telling the story of how some people approached him about making a movie out of his book Blue Like Jazz (one of my favorites). The thing is though, Blue Like Jazz isn't really the type of book that would make a good movie, mostly because it doesn't really have a plot. It's kind of a series of introspective essays... which, I'm no film maker, but even I know that a movie basically needs a plot. So these movie producers essentially tell Don that his real life is too boring, so for the movie, they need to spice it up a little. Don, who admitted that after the success of his book he sat around watching Oprah and eating ice cream for a year, was motivated by these producers to find out what makes a good story so that he could, in turn, make his life a good story. Not so that he could make a movie out of it, but so that he could live a more enjoyable and more fulfilling life.

Here is Don's definition of a good story: There is a character who wants something, and is willing to overcome conflict in order to get it.

Now, this may seem obvious to you. But Don went on to say that if we want our lives to be a good story, then we have to fit this mold. That irked me a bit. "So Don, what you're telling me is, that if I want my life to be interesting, then the only thing I have to do is want something and then try to get it?" I immediately flashed to earlier in the day when I had spent approximately 45 minutes on apple.com looking at all of the features of a mac book and wondering if it was possible for me to conjure up $1000 so that I could get one. I thought, "I want a mac. They are shiny and awesome and if I had one, I could make videos like this." But of course, I never would make videos like that. I would probably find uses for all of those features, but the irony is that while I was on that web site, I was using my perfectly functional, mostly attractive PC, whose name is Akiba, and who I actually have no problem with. So the mac is what I want, and I am willing to overcome conflict to get it and then my life will be more interesting? Doubtful.

Don went on to tell me that in fact, for the story to be good, you have to want something interesting. Duh. No one is going to read a story about a college girl who overcomes the obstacle of working extra hours in retail to put enough money in savings to buy a shiny computer. So why is it that I am willing to admit that I want things that are uninteresting, but am afraid to admit the things that I really want? Example: It is easy for me to tell you that right now, I want a mac, and a peppermint patty, and for my feet to be one size smaller, and a new camera, and for all of my homework to go away. It is hard for me to tell you what I really want because if I admit what I really want, and then I never get it, maybe that means that I failed, or something.

Maybe life is boring because I'm not going after the things that I really want. And maybe that's because there have to be so many steps between here and there. Like, one thing I really want is to be a missionary. And what am I doing about that now? Sure, I'm doing some things... like reading a lot of web sites, and even talking to some people. But mostly, right now, I'm going to school, getting completely sucked up in it, and occasionally wasting 45 minutes on apple.com. Oh gosh, how many things do I do in a day that have no purpose whatsoever. I do so many things that are neither functional, nor do they bring me joy. Why? What kind of story does that make? A boring one. At one point Don said, "If I were to play some sounds of a jackhammer, birds, and a truck backing up, you would say that is noise, not music. But if I were to play Beethoven, you would call that music... There is a difference between random events and story. The mind engages stories, not random information. A story is music. Random information is noise." And lately, I feel like I'm living a jumble of random information, rather than living a story. So, I'm going on a quest to find the music, and the story. I don't know how fruitful a quest it will be. I know that no matter what happens next year, it will someday be a good story. But I'd like to have some stories in the mean time.

Heather's lonely vlog

Disclaimer: I say the word "exciting" way too many times in this.

In the spaces.

Well, I haven't been here in a while. Maybe because I've been so busy that I haven't even been able to process my own thoughts, let alone get them into a coherent enough fashion to post them for the world to read.

So, rather than try to convey to you the mess in my head right now, I will tell you a few things that have been giving me solace, entertainment, or just making me happy.


Foods of autumn: acorn squash, pecans, apples, pears.

Maybe I'm just way late on finding out about this but I love the idea behind it. The last couple of Sundays, I've looked forward to getting home and seeing what he posts. If you're intrigued, but confused, like I was, Wikipedia explains it pretty well. Tonight, Jon and I went to Barnes and Noble and checked out one of the actual books... so fascinating.

Jogging/ walking (I am so not a runner...) in early autumn warmth and seeing sunsets.

Cooking with curry. A few times a week. Oh, gosh I love it.

Finally reading The Same Kind of Different as Me.

Having eggs for breakfast.

Listening to classical music on the radio.



Don't let the list fool you. I'm entirely consumed with work/school right now. This is just how I cope.

Oh, and short sweet visits from good friends always helps!

Love,
Kate

Post Script: What's making you happy lately?

Oh the Rollercoaster of Life...

So, I really don't know where to start with this post. It's semi late at night, I'm tired, and instead of just journaling my thoughts for the day and then slipping into a mini coma like I usually do at night, I decided to share whats on my mind with my sisters. Preface; this blog may just make absolutely no sense to you three at all...so I'm sorry for that.

Well, I guess I'll just start out by saying that it has for sure been an exhausting past couple of weeks. I've been through not only physical sicknesses one after another, but I'd say emotional sicknesses as well. Now, don't freak out by that statement but I think its a good way to describe the emotional ups and downs and ultimately mass confusion that's been clouding my vision as of late. There really is a lot that I'm more willing to open up about now, especially after hearing people speak on the matter...reading some material, and talking to those who are strong and stable in their faith. So I hope that I can have the opportunity of talking with you girls about it eventually.

One of the struggles I've been dealing with lately is my emotional dependence on other humans. Now, that sounds weird as I type it because it's like..what..as opposed to other animals? But really it's been a problem. I find that when something is wrong in my life I automatically go running for help to those around me when in reality the only one who truly understands me, who can fulfill me emotionally, and who can completely heal me is God. But you know what? It's soo much easier to run to what is seen, to those who appear to be able to "relate" simply because they are humans as well. Therefore they must be able to know your pain right? Wrong. Yes, it's important to have other christians around you for support and for encouragment. However, that relationship (I have learned) can only go so far. There is only so much love that you can receive from that person. Their love, and time, and knowledge only goes so far. It's just the way things are. That is definitely why I have been feeling so lonely this year even though I am surrounded with people who "love" me. Yea, they do...and I'm so thankful to have them in my life, but the kind of love they can provide is NOT the kind of love I need. And that's something that has been extremely and excrutiatingly difficult for me to swallow. It's like time and time again I am let down by those around me, and again and again I am surprised? I shouldn't place such incredibly high expectations on the ones that love me...the humans that love me. They are unrealistic.

Anyways, as depressing as that all was...ha, it's been good for me to realize this hard truth because I feel like that way I can't get as hurt along my inevitably emotional path of life. In a lot of ways really dont feel like the same person I was only 2..3 weeks ago. That sounds ridiculous, but I've been learning so much about myself (mostly things I didnt want to know, ha) and even still would like to continue working through them and growing more in Christ everyday.

The Importance of Rest

One of the biggest struggles I have been dealing with this semester is time. Specifically, I have been very conflicted with how to best spend my time, and not necessarily because I have to balance all of these huge time commitments; rather, I have a huge LACK of time commitments. This is definitely a first for me. It took me awhile to pinpoint what exactly I was struggling with, and when I finally realized that my problem was simply having free time, I was quite stunned. Since middle school, I have been so involved in sports, activities, youth group, church, homework etc., that I have NEVER had gaps in my day in which there was literally nothing I had to do. I honestly think this is the first time in the last 10 years that my schedule has been so open. And here’s the kicker: it has taken me a good solid month to be OKAY with that. My initial response to having an open schedule was to fill it, or at least make sure that I was with other people socializing or being somewhat productive in that time. I felt guilty for having free time. But you know what? I don’t think that is healthy. I don’t think that God would want me to feel guilty for simply having hours each day to stop, sit, rest, or read. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that I think God is blessing me this semester with the gift of time. He knows that this is my final semester of college and that I have a LOT on my mind, and maybe he is giving me this time to take a step back from the busyness of life in order to reflect on the past 3 (or maybe even 21) years. I am guessing that after this January, my life will pick back up with many different time commitments, and it will not be so easy for me to stop, rest, and reflect. Although honestly, after this semester, I think I am going to make that more of a regular part of my life – even with the busyness.

Here’s the thing...I am still struggling with this. I still feel a natural inclination to be busy and fill up my time with things that I don’t really need to do. Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I have completely stopped caring about relationships or classes (although my concern for school has definitely decreased – thank you, senioritis). It’s just that I am starting to look forward to those times in my day when I have the option of taking a nap, reading a book for FUN, or just having some good old fashioned Heather-time. I am still driven to use my time productively, but I am also aware that I have enough time in my day for both homework and relaxing. It’s quite a fantastic feeling!

Anyway, I hope that was at least a little encouraging to you. I would really advise anyone who feels like busyness is taking over your life to make the most of those free periods in your day…take a nap! Read a book! Call a friend! Blog! ;)

I love you, my sisters, and I hope to talk to you soon!

Heather Grace

Sex: The Trade

Hi ladies. Sorry my posts have been somewhat somber lately. But here we go again. I sort of told you girls already that I've been thinking a lot about the sex trade lately. I had this horrendous dream that I won't get into here about sex trafficking and the industry has been on my mind ever since. Not so much the industry actually; more like the hundreds of thousands of girls being exploited every day. This isn't a new issue to me, but my eyes are open wider than they've ever been toward it. Here's an entry from my journal the other day:

October 6, 2009

I’m having a hard time concentrating today. I know that happens a lot, but today I’m especially distracted by that churning stomach feeling that something’s not right. I can’t get over that dream I had about sex slavery. It’s not that I’m really thinking about the dream, I’m just thinking about trafficking in general. I didn’t think about it for most of the day yesterday. I guess I figured if I didn’t think about it, it would go away. As if a global trauma issue were dependent on my belief as to whether or not it exists. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s my unconscious attempt to not feel passion about something I don’t know how to stop. And how am I to stop it? What is a twenty-year-old Caucasian, poor female supposed to do? I keep asking myself this with the hope that the answer will come: “You’re right, Elisa. Let someone else do it. You can go back to living as you please.” But this simply has not happened. And I don’t believe it will.

A few facts (courtesy of IJM):

• The total market value of illicit human trafficking is estimated to be in excess of $32 billion (U.N.)
• Each year, more than 2 million children are exploited in the global commercial sex trade (UNICEF)
• 1 in 5 women is a victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime. (U. N. Development Fund for Women)
• Human trafficking is the world's third largest criminal enterprise, after drugs and weapons. (U.S. Department of State)
  

I'm not sure where all this is headed, but I pray that the Lord would direct me. I've been in touch with a man who's speaking at Urbana on the issue and hope to find some avenues through him. Pray for direction if you think of it. Peace, sisters. I love you all dearly.

-e l i s a