So, I really don't know where to start with this post. It's semi late at night, I'm tired, and instead of just journaling my thoughts for the day and then slipping into a mini coma like I usually do at night, I decided to share whats on my mind with my sisters. Preface; this blog may just make absolutely no sense to you three at all...so I'm sorry for that.
Well, I guess I'll just start out by saying that it has for sure been an exhausting past couple of weeks. I've been through not only physical sicknesses one after another, but I'd say emotional sicknesses as well. Now, don't freak out by that statement but I think its a good way to describe the emotional ups and downs and ultimately mass confusion that's been clouding my vision as of late. There really is a lot that I'm more willing to open up about now, especially after hearing people speak on the matter...reading some material, and talking to those who are strong and stable in their faith. So I hope that I can have the opportunity of talking with you girls about it eventually.
One of the struggles I've been dealing with lately is my emotional dependence on other humans. Now, that sounds weird as I type it because it's like..what..as opposed to other animals? But really it's been a problem. I find that when something is wrong in my life I automatically go running for help to those around me when in reality the only one who truly understands me, who can fulfill me emotionally, and who can completely heal me is God. But you know what? It's soo much easier to run to what is seen, to those who appear to be able to "relate" simply because they are humans as well. Therefore they must be able to know your pain right? Wrong. Yes, it's important to have other christians around you for support and for encouragment. However, that relationship (I have learned) can only go so far. There is only so much love that you can receive from that person. Their love, and time, and knowledge only goes so far. It's just the way things are. That is definitely why I have been feeling so lonely this year even though I am surrounded with people who "love" me. Yea, they do...and I'm so thankful to have them in my life, but the kind of love they can provide is NOT the kind of love I need. And that's something that has been extremely and excrutiatingly difficult for me to swallow. It's like time and time again I am let down by those around me, and again and again I am surprised? I shouldn't place such incredibly high expectations on the ones that love me...the humans that love me. They are unrealistic.
Anyways, as depressing as that all was...ha, it's been good for me to realize this hard truth because I feel like that way I can't get as hurt along my inevitably emotional path of life. In a lot of ways really dont feel like the same person I was only 2..3 weeks ago. That sounds ridiculous, but I've been learning so much about myself (mostly things I didnt want to know, ha) and even still would like to continue working through them and growing more in Christ everyday.
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