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Hello all.

First, I realize I've been incredibly distant for the past few weeks, not just from this blog, but from you in general, whoever you are. I have not been telling people how I actually am lately. (You know the drill; someone says "How are you?" And rather than vomiting emotions all over them, you smile and say "fine.") Well, I'm not fine. And even admitting that by typing it makes me want to cry, like I just remembered how much things suck right now.
And, as always, whenever I need to really process and pray and cry, I don't have the time or energy to do it.
My grandpa died a week ago. And it was supposed to be easy, because we've expected it for so long. But it wasn't easy. It was one of the hardest things I have ever seen or been through.
Tomorrow is the funeral. Jon and I are singing a song during the service. I am so glad to be able to be a part of the service, but the prospect of singing tomorrow only means that I have to try to keep my emotions from getting stuck at the back of my throat so I don't sound like a horse while I'm singing. I'm praying that Jon doesn't cry, because if he goes, I'm going...
And this happening, it makes everything else in my life seem so inconsequential. My finals and papers; I have never cared less about them than I do now. My relationship with God has been completely apathetic on my end, which frustrates me just enough to feel guilty, but apparently not enough to do anything about it.
Everything that's happened in the last week keeps playing in my head, and when I sat down tonight, my intent was to explain everything that's happened, and now I'm struck by how much I don't want everyone to know all those things. There's something wrong with typing the most personal and painful moments of my life in this little box and letting anyone in the world read it. They are stories that will need to be written, and spoken, but not here, and not now.
Today, I was sitting in a lounge on campus waiting for my final to start. My notebook was in my lap, giving the appearance that I might be studying, but I wasn't. This girl from my class started talking to me. I barely know her, but I ended up telling her that my grandpa had died. She told me she understood, and that someone in her family had just died. But then, she started telling me about every person she knows who has died. People in high school. Parents of friends. Uncles. Grandparents and great grandparents. And she said it all matter-of-factly, and even made some comment about how accepting she was of death and that's why she could talk about it so easily. I don't even know her but I sat there staring at my knees saying nothing when all I wanted to do was scream at her that these were human lives she was talking about and that they deserved more than to be put into a category of all the people she knows who have died in car wrecks. People mean so much more than how they die... it's how they've lived that is worth remembering!
Anyway, with all this going on in my head and heart, I think break is coming at a good time. I can choose to surround myself with people I love so that I don't have to pretend that my skin is any thicker than it really is. I can't wait to hug you girls, and cry with you, and laugh with you, and dance with you. It's going to be seriously good.

Love,
Kate