Free Coffee, Free Grace.

You guys get pensive Kate tonight, since I'm stuck at the desk...

Ladies, we're at the last of it. Last few weeks, before summer really starts up! When it comes down to it, I feel like doing this whole blog thing will be totally different this summer than it is right now, because we will actually be around the world from each other, and we won't be able to necessarily pick up a phone and talk, so even though I'm not looking forward to the homesickness, I am looking forward to the shift that will happen here, because these updates will get less introspective and more (what is the opposite of introspective)... extrospective?

At any rate, here is (most likely) my last introspective rant of the semester, since this is my last late night shift of the semester!!

So, in an effort to be completely cheesy, I am reading Romans leading up to my trip in Rome. But seriously, this book never gets old. Girls, don't laugh at me, because I know that this is practically what the book is about, but before this week, I don't think I ever fully realized that righteousness comes by faith. Let me explain. I've been having a lot of issues lately with being righteous, just in general. A lot of it is the same old stuff I've been struggling with for years, some of it is new stuff that has popped up, but righteousness is basically a concept that is completely foreign to me. And lately, I've also been having faith issues; having trouble trusting that God will provide for me financially and that he is faithful to do what he has promised, and all these other less tangible things that I have been having trouble believing lately. And until this week, it literally never occurred to me that my faith issues were somehow related to my righteousness issues! (And how many times have I read Romans?)

Faith comes first! Romans 3:22 says "This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe." So if I have faith, righteousness comes with that. For example, I know that I have struggled with pride for a really long time, and I always thought that I just sort of had to work at it and it would go away. And I thought that if God made that issue go away, my faith in Him would increase. But really, I think it's kind of the other way around. If I pray for my faith to increase, righteousness will follow. And then I remember that having faith isn't as easy as it sounds. The ebbs and flows that my faith has gone through since the beginning of my life as a Christian have been unbelievable. When I first became a Christian, faith was never the issue. I think that is common in new Christians because when we are young, God knows what we can handle, and he wants us to experience him in tangible ways so that we will always know that he is real. But being humans, we forget things so easily. I usually end up beating myself up over my tendency to forget.

And that brings me to Romans 3:24: "[all] are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." I heard this sermon last summer (Elisa, I think you heard it too... the Austrian guy that Paul played for us...) and I think of it every time I read this verse now. The guy told this great analogy about justification. He told the story of a man who loved coffee, but always forgot his wallet, and he would go into the coffee shop and try to buy coffee but he had no money to pay for it. After a few days of convincing the barista to give him free coffee, the man walked away without his coffee. One day, a friend of that man walks into the coffee shop and says to the barista, "I have a friend who loves coffee, but always forgets his wallet. So today I'm going to give you $2,000 and whenever my friend comes in here, I want you to give him coffee for free." The barista agrees, and the next day the man comes in and begs the barista to give him free coffee. Of course the barista gives the man his coffee. The man says, "That was easy." The barista says, "it was already paid for." Now it is not out of mercy that the barista gave the man free coffee. It was the right thing to do. The coffee was paid for. It would be wrong for the barista to refuse to give the man coffee. For this reason, when we appeal to God to forgive us of our sins, we are not appealing to His mercy, but to His justice. Our sin was paid for, once and for all, and God, being a just God, is not able to not forgive us of that sin if we ask. Now here's where I get hung up. I have such a hard time accepting free stuff. I feel guilty doing it. I don't want to appeal to God's judgment, because I still feel like I owe something. I know that a just God will forgive me because my sins have been atoned for. But some days, I am scared to appeal to God's justice because on those days, I find myself doubting the completeness of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross or doubting that I have done all I need to do. If I were the man in the coffee story, I would always want to leave an extra big tip or work for my coffee or something. Because I have such a hard time accepting something for nothing. I'm the same way with God's grace. Some days, I want to return it, or pay for it in some silly way. Some days, God asking for nothing is harder than him asking for something because it shows me how good he is and how fallen I am.

At any rate, I had forgotten how awesome Romans is, and am so glad that I made the cheesy decision to read it this week. Also, my journal has a picture of Rome on it, and it is almost full. I will probably fill it before I leave, which will mean that the first and last thing that I journal about in my Roman journal is the book of Romans. I'm a cheese-ball. Whatevs.

Aaaaand, on a much lighter note, what would you guys think if I started implementing the phrase "Steaming manholes that's gross!" I think it makes a good exclamatory phrase.

Love,
Kate