Well I suppose it's about time I posted something to my Beady Beady sisters. It's been a bit too long. And now that I finally have internet access, the possibilities are endless!! (Don't worry, I won't go on for that long.)
So I'm finally home from Cedar Campus. I say finally with a grain of salt, knowing how badly I miss the intense leadership training and alone time with the Lord, but also out of excitement to be back to my friends and family. At the end of InterVarsity Leadership Institute (otherwise known as IVLI), the director told us jokingly to go back and tell everyone it was the best training we'd ever received in any area. He was joking around, but I can honestly say I have never experienced anything quite so challenging, quite so moving or quite so needed. It's strange because I think I only half knew it while I was there, but it was only hours after I arrived home that I was on the verge of tears (and eventually flooded them out on top of Matt...poor guy) and had to continuously excuse myself from the dinner table to take a breath and pray. I know that sounds pretty weird, but after a month of time spent growing in the Lord and talking almost exclusively about the spiritual, it was a little overwhelming to be back in the setting of a normal home. More than that, the whole of July I have been increasingly convicted and confronted with different things I need to work on and change in order to best serve the Kingdom and the King. When I got home, I felt so confronted with all of that, as if I had to accomplish it all in one day and suddenly be a totally new and close to perfect person. I was completely overwhelmed, as I have said. Of course, once I started word vomitting all of this all over Matt, he was able to cool me down and remind me that my month away was not so that I would come home thinking I'm a terrible person and a failure. That was not God's plan and still isn't. After a few more wise words from Matthew, I felt peace sweep over me. And I have never believed more deeply the truth of God's goodness.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure this emotional aftermath is not over. I'm not sure what all is going on in my mind and heart, but it's never felt more bizarre to be back home. I'm excited, though. I can't wait to go back to Cornerstone and to start making changes on campus. I have never been so excited to learn about the Lord and I can't wait to start putting all I've learned into practice. Thank God for people like Matt who put me in my place and remind me that I'm not expected to do all this overnight, that the Lord works less often in quick jerks and more often in slow, continual tugs. On a slightly tangential note, I have a tendancy to let past sins take me over through shame and a sense of failure. I have to be reminded regularly that I'm not a slave to sin anymore-not to past sins or present ones. How very freeing it is to know that the prison doors are open. All I have to do is walk out.
Sorry if this largely does not make sense. My mind has been a bit frantic as of late, in case you didn't notice. It's been working overtime most days for a month, so it's getting increasingly difficult to shut it off or direct it. Praise the Lord he can sort through it all no problem. Ok, in a rash act of discipline, I am shutting up. I love you all so much. I can't wait to see you all soon!
In Christ Alone,
Elisa
P.S. I recorded 5 more songs while I was at Cedar :) K, now it's about time I got that copyright stuff in motion...
2 comments:
Do you ever think you're searching too hard for something that you can just never attain?
Ha, in a sense it can feel that way. But I'm not searching anymore. I've found all that I'm looking for in Christ. Now it's just a matter of learning to walk like He does. That's where it gets tough. But when I step back and look at it in the light of God's Word, I have peace in knowing that the Lord works in us over time. If he taught me everything in one day and I literally became perfect when I chose to follow him, I'd have no need for a relationship with him anymore, which would defeat the purpose and deflate the trust. If it looks like I'm searching too hard, it's only because I can hone in too much on my failures. That does not come from God. That comes from me taking the reality that I am far from perfect too far. I know I can't attain perfection on earth, and honestly that can be frustrating. But every day the Lord draws me closer to his Kingdom, constantly kneading me and stretching me to growth. The process is worth the occasional aggravation--especially when I know that the frustration is not of the Lord. He loves me as I am. If he didn't, he would never have died for me. I want to grow to be as like him as possible because he was willing to pick me up when I was at my weakest, because he willingly chose to die for me as I spit in his face. I want to learn to be like the One who IS love, who loves so unconditionally that He allowed all of the weight of all the evil in the world to fall on Him, who had never caused any of it and who, in his perfection, hates it more than any human possibly could; all so we could go and be with him. HIS love "covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8). So to answer your question a little more directly, no, I do not think I'm searching to hard for something I can never attain. Because I know that "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). I will never attain all this on earth (all that is holy and perfect and beautiful); but praise God that by his grace I will one day live in a place where every struggle will be a memory at best. And praise God that because of his grace it's ok that that won't happen on earth. Thanks for asking, though; I do sometimes need to be reminded that perfection is not required of me yet. In the meantime though, I ask the Holy Spirit to consume me that I might look as close to Jesus Christ as possible.
"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." -Ephesians 2:4-9
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