Well sisters, in case you were all drugged up after medical procedures recently and missed it, I am officially engaged. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post that here or not, but I figure the only people who read this know us all well enough to know that. I also figure I'll be using this blog for wedding detail venting in the near future...
It's really odd to be engaged. I am so unbelievably excited, but it seems crazy that the time has actually come. :) I've been thinking about getting married for the last 5 years and now I can plan (and need to!!) without feeling weird about it. I cannot wait to get married and finally be with the best man in the world for a lifetime. I am so blessed!
On a much less jovial note, Urbana is not a good time. I don't want to sway anyone's thoughts about the conference itself. I'm sure the conference is great. But unfortunately I wouldn't know. Sunday night my boss made it sound like I'd be doing kind of trivial amounts of work. I was actually starting to feel bad that I'd be paid. Then came today. I no longer feel bad. Man, is this a lot of work. It's just another reminder of how journalism is not my favorite, second favorite or even 194th favorite thing to do. At present, I am sitting in a press room with one other person, unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing because my boss ran off with a microphone and I didn't get to ask if I could join the large group session with all the other students. The stresses of a newsroom are just not for me. I don't like not knowing what I'll do the next day and I don't like working on a deadline. But enough complaining I suppose. Just thought I'd share what I definitely won't be doing with my life! (Sorry to Ruth and Greg if you ever read this.)
I'm a little bummed I don't get to spend new years with you all. Of course, I'm actually secretly rejoicing that Heather won't be with me because, let's be honest Heathie, all of your new year's suck, and I really don't want that to rub off. Now that I think about it though, I think I'd take that risk to celebrate with my Beadies :) My dad keeps saying the Lake is no problem...but I do have yet to ask my grandma (I'm thinking she'll forget if I ask her now anyway). That will be fun though and I can't wait to see you three there. Sounds like we all could use the R&R plus a little quality friend time. I appreciate you all so much! Thanks for letting me vent. ((Anticlimactic blog ending stops now.))
I am sooo excited sisters!! Tomorrow morning I am leaving for Lebanon, PA and will be there till a few days into 20'10!! lol (As I told Elisa...I am defintelyy gonna call it "twenty ten" as opposed to "Two thouusandd and tenn"). i dont know, it just sounds more futuristic to me. : ) I know that you girls agree with me when I say that New Years is typically very unsatisfying. As Heather said today, its not like we necessarily go into it WITH expectations of any kind..but we are always left feeling down. Twin and I are at least. I really haven't had a goood New Years Eve since I was 14 or 15 honestly, which is pretty sad. I was hesitant to going on this little adventure for a while because as much as I never have a fun time around herre on New Years...I didn't know if I wanted to change my typical patterns. However, little by little I've become sooo pumped to see all of the interns (well, minus one) and even one of the missionaries! And you know, I think changing my patterns was exactlyy what I need. I've been realizing just how much I need to be around the interns I spent a whole summer with. Honestly, no one but them can truly understand what my experience was like! It will be nice for all of us to just laugh and talk and remember together. Well women, I will see you all soon (especially since we'll hopefully be at the cabin in a couple weeks? Love you all and hope you each make the most of our New Year! Woot Woot!
So, maybe after reading my last blog, you thought I was completely devoid of Christmas spirit. I'd like to think that I'm not completely bitter. So, maybe, for the sake of my own spiritual walk, I will do everything in my power to ensure that I will NEVER again work retail over the holidays. But all in all, as Christmas approaches, I'm getting really excited! I feel like I've learned a lot about the significance of Christmas this year, and the Lord is showing me through this approaching holiday how faithful he is to keeping his promises!
And, in the spirit of things, I think I have a new favorite Christmas carol. For years, I've been split between The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting...) and, Oh Come Oh Come Immanuel. The first, because I'm a sucker for Bing Crosby, and the second, because I like singing "rejoice!" in my upper register. Both dumb reasons for a Christmas carol to me my favorite. This year, I can't get enough of O Holy Night. Seriously, I'm in love with the lyrics. They pretty much sum up the importance of Christmas.
O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of Our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world In sin and error pining,
'Til He appear'd And the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope The weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks A new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.
Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts By His cradle we stand.
So led by light of A star sweetly gleaming,
Here come the wise men From Orient land.
The King of Kings Lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials Born to be our friend.
He knows our need, To our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King, Before Him lowly bend!
Truly He taught us To love one another;
His law is love And His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break For the slave is our brother;
And in His name All oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy In grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us Praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory Evermore proclaim.
His power and glory Evermore proclaim.
I'm in love with how in three verses, it tells us how we were before Christ, how he came, and what we ought to do about it. THAT is Christmas spirit.
[I wrote this blog late last night. It is long, and kind of angry. Sorry. To break up the angry paragraphs, I am putting pictures in between them. They have nothing to do with this blog. I just went out on a photo shoot today and I can't help but think that winter is beautiful. Something about the natural greys and how every photo looks black and white even though I didn't take them in black and white. Oh, and the frost! So anyhow, let blog reading commence.]
I’m in a dilemma this year.Why does Advent always result in so many dilemmas?
I believe many things about Christmas.I believe that it should be a joyful celebration.I also believe that even if nearly every American Christmas tradition comes from an ancient pagan one, the main idea behind Christmas is worth celebrating (if the main idea is to celebrate how God sent his Son to live on Earth with us crazy humans and die and rise so he could save us from our crazy human sins.)I believe that Christmas is a beautiful representation of God working together everything for HIS glory.If you want to see God’s orchestration of things, read the Christmas story.But first, read all the prophecies about Jesus’ birth.I have to tell you that if I were a first century Jew, and I had to read all those prophecies and figure out what God meant, I would have been clueless, and then I would have imposed my own meaning on all those prophecies, and then I would have been totally proven wrong when Jesus came and did his whole “Kingdom of Heaven,” “The way, the truth and the life” bit (which reminds me, I’ve been thinking lately that we probably can’t really be so presumptuous as to say we know a whole lot about what the end times will look like… I gather that God will probably surprise us then too.But that’s a whole other blog).
Here’s what I don’t believe about Christmas.I don’t believe that it should be limited to one day.It should always be celebrated, by the way we live and breathe and talk and pray and eat and dance and so on.I’m just as bad at keeping the celebration going as the next guy, but that’s really beside the point.I don’t believe that it should be stressful.I don’t think God wants us to be stressed about much of anything, let alone the day that commemorates his son’s birth.And I don’t think it should be materialistic.I have been thinking a lot, and I think that gift-giving on Christmas is one of the worst things about Christmas.I heard someone say that we give gifts on Christmas because the Magi gave gifts to Jesus on Christmas.First of all, check the bible.The Magi gave gifts to Jesus after Mary and Joseph took Jesus back to Nazareth.And considering they couldn’t hop a train, and Mary had just given birth, I’m going to guess they didn’t start heading back the day of the birth.So, those gifts the Magi gave, they weren’t birthday presents, or Christmas presents.They were king presents.Those gifts were saying, “Hey Jesus, Immanuel, we believe that YOU are the King, and here are some things that kings should have.Merry Christmas.” (Paraphrased)So the Magi aren’t why we give gifts.I’m not really sure why we do actually.It doesn’t seem like Jesus really wanted us to have a lot of stuff lying around.And most of us already do… so why more? And why in the name of Jesus?
I would like to say, for the record, that I am finished with my Christmas shopping.Almost everyone got clothes.Except for my grandpa, who is getting a book on wine making, because he is retired and is finding new hobbies, and my Grandma, who is getting a china relish tray, because she gets excited about things like relish trays.Well, I was fairly happy with all my selections.I work at Old Navy, and while I’m working, I see things that remind me of members of my family, and I joyfully bought them those things.I bought my dad a sweater.Then, about a week ago, my dad and I were in the car.Out of the blue he says, “You know what I really don’t wear much of anymore?Sweaters.”Seriously? So now I have this big problem.Do I return this sweater? Do I keep it and give him the gift receipt?Do I throw in the towel and give up on presents all together?!Because that sounds really nice right about now…It sounds like a small thing, but you all know the Christmas present dilemma.How much is too much to spend, but how much makes me too cheap?Do I try to surprise people or just get them what they asked for to be safe? Well, I vote to get rid of it all together.Of course, that will never happen.It’s expected.My cousin (the crazy one) recently announced that he doesn’t want to receive presents anymore, which of course sent everyone into a tizzy about how offensive that is.So asking to stop receiving presents is out, because that offends.But if you’re going to keep receiving them, then you have to give them, because otherwise, other people are spending money on you that you didn’t spend on them, and we have to be fair about this business.And the sad thing about this whole dilemma is that I actually do like giving gifts. I like picking things out for people.I like making things for people.But something about the gifts being an expected, burdensome thing makes it less special, and less significant.
But you know the real problem I’m having?Working in retail this Christmas season has been sickening.A coworker told me the other day that she’s working so many hours this Christmas season that she’s not even going to have time to see her family and friends, and she can’t wait for Christmas to be over.I see people every day come in and split their huge bills between credit cards, because almost all their cards are maxed out with presents.What is wrong with us?!Why do we think that stuff will make us happy?Why has Christmas turned into a day about wrapping paper and sprinkles on cut-out cookies and new electronics and piles and piles of presents?It’s so frustrating, and I have no idea what to do about it.
On the up side, I am learning a ton about God this Advent. I’ve been helping teach this Sunday school class for the junior highers, and the prep-work I’ve been doing has been giving new depth to some things in scripture that I had glazed over in the past. And I’m finding out more about how to rely on Him, even when his plan isn’t completely evident to me yet, because I know that He already has the plan, and it is great, and I can’t wait to find out what it is!
Well, they are over for Hannah and me, but this is for the other two beadies who aren't home yet! I'm obsessed with this kid! So adorable! And freakishly talented with a ukulele!
WHOA! What the heck happened? Where did all these blogs come from? I feel like I have to write one just to fit in! Yesterday morning I was about to post something that said "where are my beadies?" due to the lack of activity. Ironic.
I thought I'd respond to you all at once instead of writing individual comments. (Maybe that sounds rude or something, but time is hard to come by these days...) I am going to go in descending order from top to bottom of our blog.
Hannah Grace. I don't like this new Hannah. She doesn't sound fun or energized or exceptionally happy. She doesn't sound like my sister who tells me stories that are so crazy I think "this would be a lie if anyone else told it," or who has crazy dance parties or who likes to cuddle and sleep. I wish I could just hold onto you for a whole day and cry with you and sew up your wounded heart (ok, I'd pass out if I did that, but you get the imagery). We need to talk soon. I can't wait to be home with you, my love.
Oh, and as for cutting your hair, don't do it yet. I want one last look at your beautiful locks :)
Kate Elizabeth. I really appreciated your post. How very unhelpful it is when people try to lighten the subject of death by "relating," when really all they're doing is tearing you up into smaller pieces by telling you it's no big deal, therefore suggesting your soul has no right to mourn. You're at the funeral today, and I am praying for you and your whole family. May God be glorified through all of this, and may he give you strength unknown. We're all here for you in any way you need, Kate. Death is more than just "bad news." It's soul tearing.
Heather Grace. You are not making me look forward to the job hunt...On a lighter note, I can't wait till you're home. Answer your phone once in a while! Like I said for Hannah, I wish I could just cuddle with you. I feel like all four of us are one big pile of stress and subjugation right now, and it's not becoming to any of us. Why is Christ's call not to worry about anything so incredibly hard to reach? You'll find a job, Heathie. Keep on truckin', you're almost home. And thank God!
Elisa Lynne. I am in an extremely uncomfortable, terrifying and stressful place with a friend at school. I cannot divulge more, but my friend (and I as well) really need all of your prayers. It's literally come to a matter of life and death. I continue to ask myself, to ask God, "Why does everything have to happen all at once?" So far, I haven't gotten an answer. And yet at the end of the day, all I can say is, "God, you are sovereign. You are unsurprised. You are always Good."
I love you all so deeply. Take care my precious sisters.
Alright you beautiful women, I'm sorry for not blogging in a while. My life has been a bit of a whirlwind and in the midst of all of it, I have decided there is something wrong with me. So get ready girls, because this blog is about to be an outpouring of thoughts and fears that I've been harboring for a while now. It's literally as if I'm fighting against my own being so that who I am/ even my personality doesn't quickly slip away from me. There have been several factors to what I call "The New Hannah". One, I can't sleep...I don't go a single night where I don't have a nightmare of some kind. These are usually about me being abducted, injured, a loved one being injured, or just being chased by someone. I wish it stopped there though. These nightmares are so intense and horrible, that I've actually been having night terrors. My mom literally on a semi regular basis has to come running into my room and wake me up out of these awful dreams because she hears me screaming out loud. I also sometimes have lucid dreams..where my body is awake..I am aware that I am awake..yet I am stuck mentally in a nightmare. Therefore, it feels like my entire body is paralized and I feel myself trying to push through to consciousness. Sooo that's that!
Another aspect of me feeling different is my lack of social life. However, it's not as though I never have opportunity to be social, I just have absolutely no desire. And yes..I know that sounds like depression or something! But honestly..I don't feel depressed (I for sure can know that)...I don't feel stressed at all..so why am I all of a sudden so introverted? This is also another reason why I'm super excited that it's about the end of the semester, because being around that many people all the time was becoming unbearable. I find that I get really anxious and uncomfortable when I'm around both large anndd small groups of people. Soo in general..groups. This makes no sense to me..the old Hannah was pretty social, enjoyed people's company.
The last aspect of my seemingly new lifestyle..is my lack of appetite. Literally I forget to eat because I have absolutely nooo hunger! I haven't craved anything in..I don't even know how long. So its like...I eat..but it's become so chore-like that it bothers me. Wow..this really is sounding more and more like depression! Ahh but I'm telling you it's not. It's like..I dont feel sad or mad...but I'm becoming a very apathetic person.
Anyways, I really didn't want to be the downer here...but that's really all that I've been thinking about lately and just had to let you all know. On a happier note, I have been having a great time working...and on a completely unrelated note, have basically decided TO in fact cut all my hair off! Like..soon! lol. I am really excited and exhilerated by the idea and have been talking Katie's ear off about it. : ) Soo I want feedback on something (mainly from twin and sister). Should I wait till you two come home to cut it? Or shall I surprise you!? lol I really just want someone else to make this decision for me so that I don't keep putting it off. Well, I love you all verryy much and don't know what I would do without your friendship. Can't wait for you all to be in my arms...at once! It's gonna happen. : )
First, I realize I've been incredibly distant for the past few weeks, not just from this blog, but from you in general, whoever you are. I have not been telling people how I actually am lately. (You know the drill; someone says "How are you?" And rather than vomiting emotions all over them, you smile and say "fine.") Well, I'm not fine. And even admitting that by typing it makes me want to cry, like I just remembered how much things suck right now. And, as always, whenever I need to really process and pray and cry, I don't have the time or energy to do it. My grandpa died a week ago. And it was supposed to be easy, because we've expected it for so long. But it wasn't easy. It was one of the hardest things I have ever seen or been through. Tomorrow is the funeral. Jon and I are singing a song during the service. I am so glad to be able to be a part of the service, but the prospect of singing tomorrow only means that I have to try to keep my emotions from getting stuck at the back of my throat so I don't sound like a horse while I'm singing. I'm praying that Jon doesn't cry, because if he goes, I'm going... And this happening, it makes everything else in my life seem so inconsequential. My finals and papers; I have never cared less about them than I do now. My relationship with God has been completely apathetic on my end, which frustrates me just enough to feel guilty, but apparently not enough to do anything about it. Everything that's happened in the last week keeps playing in my head, and when I sat down tonight, my intent was to explain everything that's happened, and now I'm struck by how much I don't want everyone to know all those things. There's something wrong with typing the most personal and painful moments of my life in this little box and letting anyone in the world read it. They are stories that will need to be written, and spoken, but not here, and not now. Today, I was sitting in a lounge on campus waiting for my final to start. My notebook was in my lap, giving the appearance that I might be studying, but I wasn't. This girl from my class started talking to me. I barely know her, but I ended up telling her that my grandpa had died. She told me she understood, and that someone in her family had just died. But then, she started telling me about every person she knows who has died. People in high school. Parents of friends. Uncles. Grandparents and great grandparents. And she said it all matter-of-factly, and even made some comment about how accepting she was of death and that's why she could talk about it so easily. I don't even know her but I sat there staring at my knees saying nothing when all I wanted to do was scream at her that these were human lives she was talking about and that they deserved more than to be put into a category of all the people she knows who have died in car wrecks. People mean so much more than how they die... it's how they've lived that is worth remembering! Anyway, with all this going on in my head and heart, I think break is coming at a good time. I can choose to surround myself with people I love so that I don't have to pretend that my skin is any thicker than it really is. I can't wait to hug you girls, and cry with you, and laugh with you, and dance with you. It's going to be seriously good.
I am burned out. Not from a crazy stressful academic semester, as is usually the case. Rather, I am burned out from thinking about and trying to plan for the future. I realized today that job searching has become my full-time job. Ironic? I think so. I don't even intend it, but almost every time I am online for whatever reason (which, let's face it, is often), I start looking at jobs and then applying for them. In case you weren't aware, applying for a job online is a lengthy process, and once you start, it is difficult to stop until you are finished. So I find myself spending hours and hours each day reading job descriptions, seeing if I am qualified, deciding if I would hate it (I'm not necessarily looking for my dream-job here), filling out their specific application, and recently, writing individualized cover letters for each position. It's draining. And strangely addicting. I can't even count the number of jobs I have applied for, ranging from positions like a mental health counselor to a research study coordinator to a study abroad program advisor to working in a residential home for people with developmental disabilities. I have definitely applied to more than 15 jobs at different places (universities, hospitals, non-profits, mental health clinics etc). Honestly, I haven't heard back from hardly any of them. So far, only one place has called me back, and it was for a job that I am not that interested in. I did have a phone interview with them, though, and I have a face-to-face interview set up for early February. So I guess that's positive. I just don't know if it's really a good choice for me.
Anyway, like I said, I'm getting burned out. It probably doesn't help that it's the last week of the semester and everyone is stressed out and cranky. All I really want right now is to be home, in my pajamas, hanging out with my beadies, and to be completely done with school. Most of that will be possible in just over a week, and I cannot wait! I really need some encouragement, and I long to spend time with the people that know me the best. I hope you're all doing well and that finals won't be too bad. And feel free to call me sometime in the next week if you have time.
So I don't really have anything to say, which typically means that I do, but I don't know it yet. So congratulations to all of you who get to hear me think out loud.
Thanksgiving was chaotic this year. People keep asking how it was and I keep wanting to say, "Great!" but am never able to, so instead I pause awkwardly and say, "Uh, it was, uh, good. Yeah, it was good." And then people ask how it really was (although I frankly think my response is pretty clear that I don't want to discuss it), and I'm not sure what to say and I walk away wondering why I couldn't just smile and say, "Great! How was yours?"
My Thanksgiving was not miserable. It really was very good to see my family and a friend or two. But it was not relaxing either. A 6am drive home to see seven international students at our house Thanksgiving (wonderfully entertaining, but so exhausting); a doctor's appointment on Friday (not helpful), as well as a Providence reunion at my house (great, but I got mad for no reason and freaked everyone out); a crazy, busy family-day picking out a tree and seeing a play on Saturday; a bizarre church service (Pastor B mentioned both "bling" and "grills" during the service...oh dear) and a long drive home on Sunday (Matt and I actually did get to relax and see 500 Days of Summer that night too, but neither of us liked it--Kate and Han, we need to talk :) ). I'm not sure you all needed a play-by-play of my weekend, but I warned you I had nothing to say. Anyway, I guess my point is that the biggest thing that came out of my time off was a huge pile of longing for Christmas break to get here already. I've been so moody this semester, especially as we approach break. I'm not sure what it is, but my patience is wearing thin and I find myself only wanting to be around a select number of people. Am I just an anti-social jerk? Is this some sort of season? Should I just get over myself and smile? I'm not sure why, but I've been so dissatisfied with so much lately. Any direction on this front would be helpful. I listened to a sermon on contentment, but it was mostly about finances, and that's not really the trouble. I'm not sure what is.
Well ladies, as usual, bottom line is I miss you three a lot. I can't wait for a break when I can spend real time with each of you and not just time when I'm packing or hosting. In the meantime, I've been pondering these verses:
I know your deeds; you have a reputation for being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God.
