Just questions.

Oh. Dear.
These last two weeks were something else.
Will I graduate? No? Yes? What?
Will I go to India? Africa? Jordan? Thailand? Minneapolis? Chicago? Hiram?
Will I even make it safely to Cleveland, driving in a white out, in my tiny tin can of a car?
Will I get to have "free time?" What even is free time?
Will I ever finish knitting my stinking hat?!
Will I get hours at work... ever again?
Will I make it through my American lit class without screaming at my professor?
Will I ever meet a MAN?
Will I ever learn to not procrastinate?
Will I ever become less easily annoyed?
Will I..........

You know how sometimes, business interferes with our lives to the point that we don't feel like humans anymore, just like things that have to-do lists, but no relationships? I have felt so overwhelmed by my to-do lists this past week, that even my relationships became a part of a list. I crammed my friends into my day like I crammed in a meeting with my advisor, or like I slipped in some reading for my Hinduism class. And God, too. He was just part of a to-do list this week. Today, tonight, was the first chance I had to even breathe.

Not really sure where I'm going with this. I guess, our little blog was looking empty, maybe because you all feel like you don't have time to breathe, let alone blog. Or maybe because everything is just stressful enough to consume you, but just mundane enough to not want to write about. That's how I've felt. Like my crises aren't really crises, and who wants to read about that?

And on that note, I'm out. Sleep time.

Hope you're well, sisters.

Some thoughts from a technology-hating prospective missionary.

If you know me, you know how much I normally hate talking on the phone. Not as much as I hate texting, but generally, I'm a talk-on-the-phone-to-make-plans-to-actually-see-each-other-in-person kind of person. But, let's be real. Gas is up to 2.75 a gallon, and I'm not getting very many shifts at the Old Navy, so it's not exactly practical for me to drive to see all of my friends in person. Heather, if we were using vegetable oil to fuel our cars, I probably would have driven to Indiana today, just to see your face, because I miss you girl (and because we buy our vegetable oil at Costco, and have a sick amount in our cupboard).
So today, I settled. I talked on the phone to not one, not two, but three dear friends. One was in Parma, one in Cleveland, and one in Hiram (yes, my mom and I have been a bit estranged... so I'm including her in this list). I talked on the phone for probably a total of 2 1/2 hours today, which for me is quite a feat. Additionally, I had lunch with one beady, a quick run in with another, and coffee with... someone else. Overall, I had a socially successful day. Even if I had to suck it up and mostly talk to people without making eye contact.
I think I feel accomplished because for the most part, I've done a really terrible job lately of keeping my relationships in tact. And I have no good reason for it. I've been really lazy for the past month. Sitting around my house. Watching movies and Gilmore Girl re-runs, and hopelessly failing at my goal of finishing some books before I go back to school.
And so today, even though I did watch a movie, I got to catch up with people who I haven't talked to in a long time. People who had big life events happen that I didn't even know about, because I was too busy knitting. Of course, ironically, if I had done a little more facebook stalking, I could have known all of these things... but let's face it, I hate facebook too.
At the same time though, I so take talking on the phone, and even facebook, for granted. I can do it any time I want. That earthquake that just happened in Haiti: that could happen in whatever place I'm in next year. I keep thinking that I could be someplace impoverished and something terrible could happen, and sure I could die (strangely, I'm not that scared of that happening), but almost as bad would be living and having no way to let anyone know. For days. It's weird because now that my goals for the mission field are becoming clearer, I'm realizing how very unglamorous it will be, and as excited as I am to be stretched to my limits, I'm also getting a little scared. It's healthy fear, I suppose; I'm not having night terrors or anything. But all these little things have started to creep into my head, things that remind me of what so many people in the world have put up with for their whole lives, and how lucky I am that right now, for 2.75 a gallon, I could drive to my parents' apartment an hour away, and give them a hug, and make a grilled cheese sandwich on their stove, and drink cold, clean water from their tap, and use a heated blanket, and sleep in their extra bed, and borrow some pajamas, and the list goes on...... of things that I have so readily available to me, that so many people would never even dream of.
I guess I shouldn't blog at 2 in the morning... because that is really not what I intended to write about when I came on here. But I guess materialism has been on my mind a lot lately, so it had to wriggle its way into my late night (or early morning) ramblings as well.
I'm losing steam, so I think I'll go to bed now. Ladies, good night. I'm so grateful for you. Really. Truly.

the 'w' word

Wedding. wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding. Wedding. Wedding wedding. WEDDINGGGGGG! Wedding, wedding wedding? Wedding. Wedding? Wedding.

Sick of that word yet? Just thought I'd key you all into how I'm feeling about it. How it invades every second of my thought, time and action. How it is all I talk about because it's all anyone talks to me about. How anything I see on TV turns into an idea for a centerpiece. How even as I follow Boy Meets World, I'm to the point where Cory and Topanga just got married. How I forgot that I go to school, no less that I am a SCUF this semester and even have some friends. How we have bridal magazines and bridal books laying in every nook and cranny of our house so we can eventually become inspired at bridal shows. My dress. Bridesmaid dresses. Flower girl dresses. DJ. Florist. Photographer. Guest list. Cut guest list. Budget. Cut guest list more. Save-the-dates. Invitations. Oh yeah, and try to get some sleep. You always look so tired.

I have to be honest, I thought everyone was making a much bigger deal out of wedding plans than they needed to before I had a ring on my finger. I thought to myself, "How hard can it be? Make some calls, get a venue, invite some folks. What's to be stressed about?" Perhaps I "should be able to" go back to that point, but let's be honest, it's dripping in naiveté. I am a bit embarrassed and a bit ashamed at the way I have scoffed at brides I have known in the past who get overwhelmed by their plans to the point of threatening relationships and in fact their own sanity. Needless to say, my eyes have been open. It's only been two weeks of wedding planning and already ice is getting thinner in relationships and my sanity, well, that was questionable to begin with--it can't be much better now. I just find it all a bit troubling and a tinge perplexing. "Why," I think to myself, "has such a happy occasion been turned foul? Why has such a beautiful symbol of commitment been choked by the weeds of materialism, expectations and gift registries?" I haven't come to a conclusion on this point, but I have begun to realize that everything they tell you about, "this is your day" is bull. It's not my day any more than a family reunion or a church outreach is my day. This I am ok with. I realize that if the wedding was for Matt and I we'd probably just elope. But the point of a wedding is to gather people together and to see old friends and to celebrate together. So I'm ok with it not being about me, I just wish people would stop lying to me and telling me that it is. It's made me kind of selfish.

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I suppose it was just to vent my frustration in hopes that if I wrote the 'W' word out enough times I wouldn't think about it for at least 5 minutes after I finish writing this. What's funny is that the reason I think about it so much is that I don't care about it. I have never been concerned about my...W, so now that I have to make all of these decisions, I don't know what to choose. I'll be honest, I'm much more concerned with the marriage resulting from this W than I am in the actual W. And I think that's just fine, thanks. Planning for one day verses planning for a lifetime. I think most people focus on the day because it's easier. Overwhelming, sure. But nothing to planning out the rest of your life. And so these wedding-inspired marriages fail. Maybe if they had been marriage-inspired weddings things would be different. And so I am doing my best to have just that: a marriage-inspired wedding. I'm finding that this is in fact a much more difficult task than planning a celebration. It's preparing. It's bracing yourself. For life.

e l i s a

The latest from a soon to be college GRAD!

I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Heather Grace, 21 almost 22-year-old girl (woman?), psychology student in Indiana, lover of dance and edamame. I feel the need to introduce myself because some of you blog readers may have forgotten about me due to my lack of beady-activity in the last few months. Wow, so much and also so little has happened since I last blogged. So much time has passed, Christmas has come and gone, and yet I feel very similar to how I felt back in November. I am now 13 days away from being a college graduate, I still don’t have a job lined up, and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Sound familiar? Well, it is.

I’ve been trying to make the most of my last few weeks at Taylor, but I’m finding it very hard to do. I am overwhelmed with an anxious, unsettled feeling - the desire to get out and move on. Most of you readers probably know the reason behind this feeling, and for those of you who don’t, feel free to ask. But it’s not only the boy that is the cause of this anxiousness, no, it is also the lack of comfort I feel here. I no longer feel a part of this community. Not in my classes, around campus, the dining commons, my job, or even my apartment. I just don’t belong here anymore. I think what I’m seeking is a lot of different things, but they are all wrapped up in the idea of moving to Minnesota. I’m seeking independence, job experience, friendship, a new church, a place to volunteer, love, warmth, understanding, and the freedom to be myself again. I’m so excited by the thought of starting over again, it’s the feeling I had before going away to college and also after every time I moved to a new place growing up. Maybe this is just how I am wired – I need significant change about every four years. Who knows?

This brings me to the present. What are my plans now, you may ask? Excellent question. Once I am officially done with school, I will move home for about a week, and then I am going to Minneapolis for two weeks. In that time, I have one job interview, a meeting with a temp-to-hire agency, and three other meetings with various people to “network.” I’m also planning on looking at apartments (I might have a possible lead on this topic) and trying to figure out a living situation. And of course I will spend any leftover time (okay, MOST of my time) with Toby. :) Then, I’ll come back home for a week or two, and I’m hoping by then I will have a job! In reality, I’m pretty hopeful that this job interview will become an actual job, and I can do this along with a possible part-time job for extra cash. We shall see…

Okay, that’s all I have for now. I hope to see at least two of you very soon, and Lisey, we’ll have to figure something out before I move across the Midwest! I love you much, my sisters.

Heather Grace

Engagement excitement and Urbana blues

Well sisters, in case you were all drugged up after medical procedures recently and missed it, I am officially engaged. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post that here or not, but I figure the only people who read this know us all well enough to know that. I also figure I'll be using this blog for wedding detail venting in the near future...

It's really odd to be engaged. I am so unbelievably excited, but it seems crazy that the time has actually come. :) I've been thinking about getting married for the last 5 years and now I can plan (and need to!!) without feeling weird about it. I cannot wait to get married and finally be with the best man in the world for a lifetime. I am so blessed!

On a much less jovial note, Urbana is not a good time. I don't want to sway anyone's thoughts about the conference itself. I'm sure the conference is great. But unfortunately I wouldn't know. Sunday night my boss made it sound like I'd be doing kind of trivial amounts of work. I was actually starting to feel bad that I'd be paid. Then came today. I no longer feel bad. Man, is this a lot of work. It's just another reminder of how journalism is not my favorite, second favorite or even 194th favorite thing to do. At present, I am sitting in a press room with one other person, unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing because my boss ran off with a microphone and I didn't get to ask if I could join the large group session with all the other students. The stresses of a newsroom are just not for me. I don't like not knowing what I'll do the next day and I don't like working on a deadline. But enough complaining I suppose. Just thought I'd share what I definitely won't be doing with my life! (Sorry to Ruth and Greg if you ever read this.)

I'm a little bummed I don't get to spend new years with you all. Of course, I'm actually secretly rejoicing that Heather won't be with me because, let's be honest Heathie, all of your new year's suck, and I really don't want that to rub off. Now that I think about it though, I think I'd take that risk to celebrate with my Beadies :) My dad keeps saying the Lake is no problem...but I do have yet to ask my grandma (I'm thinking she'll forget if I ask her now anyway). That will be fun though and I can't wait to see you three there. Sounds like we all could use the R&R plus a little quality friend time. I appreciate you all so much! Thanks for letting me vent. ((Anticlimactic blog ending stops now.))

-e l i s a

Maybe my first "HAPPY New Year"?

I am sooo excited sisters!! Tomorrow morning I am leaving for Lebanon, PA and will be there till a few days into 20'10!! lol (As I told Elisa...I am defintelyy gonna call it "twenty ten" as opposed to "Two thouusandd and tenn"). i dont know, it just sounds more futuristic to me. : ) I know that you girls agree with me when I say that New Years is typically very unsatisfying. As Heather said today, its not like we necessarily go into it WITH expectations of any kind..but we are always left feeling down. Twin and I are at least. I really haven't had a goood New Years Eve since I was 14 or 15 honestly, which is pretty sad. I was hesitant to going on this little adventure for a while because as much as I never have a fun time around herre on New Years...I didn't know if I wanted to change my typical patterns. However, little by little I've become sooo pumped to see all of the interns (well, minus one) and even one of the missionaries! And you know, I think changing my patterns was exactlyy what I need.
I've been realizing just how much I need to be around the interns I spent a whole summer with. Honestly, no one but them can truly understand what my experience was like! It will be nice for all of us to just laugh and talk and remember together. Well women, I will see you all soon (especially since we'll hopefully be at the cabin in a couple weeks? Love you all and hope you each make the most of our New Year! Woot Woot!

xoxo,
Hannah Grace

Don't call me Ebenezer...

So, maybe after reading my last blog, you thought I was completely devoid of Christmas spirit.
I'd like to think that I'm not completely bitter. So, maybe, for the sake of my own spiritual walk, I will do everything in my power to ensure that I will NEVER again work retail over the holidays. But all in all, as Christmas approaches, I'm getting really excited! I feel like I've learned a lot about the significance of Christmas this year, and the Lord is showing me through this approaching holiday how faithful he is to keeping his promises!

And, in the spirit of things, I think I have a new favorite Christmas carol. For years, I've been split between The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting...) and, Oh Come Oh Come Immanuel. The first, because I'm a sucker for Bing Crosby, and the second, because I like singing "rejoice!" in my upper register. Both dumb reasons for a Christmas carol to me my favorite. This year, I can't get enough of O Holy Night. Seriously, I'm in love with the lyrics. They pretty much sum up the importance of Christmas.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of Our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world In sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd And the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope The weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks A new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts By His cradle we stand.

So led by light of A star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men From Orient land.

The King of Kings Lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials Born to be our friend.

He knows our need, To our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Before Him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us To love one another;

His law is love And His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break For the slave is our brother;

And in His name All oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy In grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us Praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory Evermore proclaim.

His power and glory Evermore proclaim.

I'm in love with how in three verses, it tells us how we were before Christ, how he came, and what we ought to do about it. THAT is Christmas spirit.

trippy pictures

Heather + a Mac + beady reunion + old Quest notes = this

:)

Let’s talk about Advent. Correction: Let’s listen to Kate RANT about Advent.

[I wrote this blog late last night. It is long, and kind of angry. Sorry. To break up the angry paragraphs, I am putting pictures in between them. They have nothing to do with this blog. I just went out on a photo shoot today and I can't help but think that winter is beautiful. Something about the natural greys and how every photo looks black and white even though I didn't take them in black and white. Oh, and the frost! So anyhow, let blog reading commence.]

I’m in a dilemma this year. Why does Advent always result in so many dilemmas?

I believe many things about Christmas. I believe that it should be a joyful celebration. I also believe that even if nearly every American Christmas tradition comes from an ancient pagan one, the main idea behind Christmas is worth celebrating (if the main idea is to celebrate how God sent his Son to live on Earth with us crazy humans and die and rise so he could save us from our crazy human sins.) I believe that Christmas is a beautiful representation of God working together everything for HIS glory. If you want to see God’s orchestration of things, read the Christmas story. But first, read all the prophecies about Jesus’ birth. I have to tell you that if I were a first century Jew, and I had to read all those prophecies and figure out what God meant, I would have been clueless, and then I would have imposed my own meaning on all those prophecies, and then I would have been totally proven wrong when Jesus came and did his whole “Kingdom of Heaven,” “The way, the truth and the life” bit (which reminds me, I’ve been thinking lately that we probably can’t really be so presumptuous as to say we know a whole lot about what the end times will look like… I gather that God will probably surprise us then too. But that’s a whole other blog).

Here’s what I don’t believe about Christmas. I don’t believe that it should be limited to one day. It should always be celebrated, by the way we live and breathe and talk and pray and eat and dance and so on. I’m just as bad at keeping the celebration going as the next guy, but that’s really beside the point. I don’t believe that it should be stressful. I don’t think God wants us to be stressed about much of anything, let alone the day that commemorates his son’s birth. And I don’t think it should be materialistic. I have been thinking a lot, and I think that gift-giving on Christmas is one of the worst things about Christmas. I heard someone say that we give gifts on Christmas because the Magi gave gifts to Jesus on Christmas. First of all, check the bible. The Magi gave gifts to Jesus after Mary and Joseph took Jesus back to Nazareth. And considering they couldn’t hop a train, and Mary had just given birth, I’m going to guess they didn’t start heading back the day of the birth. So, those gifts the Magi gave, they weren’t birthday presents, or Christmas presents. They were king presents. Those gifts were saying, “Hey Jesus, Immanuel, we believe that YOU are the King, and here are some things that kings should have. Merry Christmas.” (Paraphrased) So the Magi aren’t why we give gifts. I’m not really sure why we do actually. It doesn’t seem like Jesus really wanted us to have a lot of stuff lying around. And most of us already do… so why more? And why in the name of Jesus?

I would like to say, for the record, that I am finished with my Christmas shopping. Almost everyone got clothes. Except for my grandpa, who is getting a book on wine making, because he is retired and is finding new hobbies, and my Grandma, who is getting a china relish tray, because she gets excited about things like relish trays. Well, I was fairly happy with all my selections. I work at Old Navy, and while I’m working, I see things that remind me of members of my family, and I joyfully bought them those things. I bought my dad a sweater. Then, about a week ago, my dad and I were in the car. Out of the blue he says, “You know what I really don’t wear much of anymore? Sweaters.” Seriously? So now I have this big problem. Do I return this sweater? Do I keep it and give him the gift receipt? Do I throw in the towel and give up on presents all together?! Because that sounds really nice right about now… It sounds like a small thing, but you all know the Christmas present dilemma. How much is too much to spend, but how much makes me too cheap? Do I try to surprise people or just get them what they asked for to be safe? Well, I vote to get rid of it all together. Of course, that will never happen. It’s expected. My cousin (the crazy one) recently announced that he doesn’t want to receive presents anymore, which of course sent everyone into a tizzy about how offensive that is. So asking to stop receiving presents is out, because that offends. But if you’re going to keep receiving them, then you have to give them, because otherwise, other people are spending money on you that you didn’t spend on them, and we have to be fair about this business. And the sad thing about this whole dilemma is that I actually do like giving gifts. I like picking things out for people. I like making things for people. But something about the gifts being an expected, burdensome thing makes it less special, and less significant.

But you know the real problem I’m having? Working in retail this Christmas season has been sickening. A coworker told me the other day that she’s working so many hours this Christmas season that she’s not even going to have time to see her family and friends, and she can’t wait for Christmas to be over. I see people every day come in and split their huge bills between credit cards, because almost all their cards are maxed out with presents. What is wrong with us?! Why do we think that stuff will make us happy? Why has Christmas turned into a day about wrapping paper and sprinkles on cut-out cookies and new electronics and piles and piles of presents? It’s so frustrating, and I have no idea what to do about it.

On the up side, I am learning a ton about God this Advent. I’ve been helping teach this Sunday school class for the junior highers, and the prep-work I’ve been doing has been giving new depth to some things in scripture that I had glazed over in the past. And I’m finding out more about how to rely on Him, even when his plan isn’t completely evident to me yet, because I know that He already has the plan, and it is great, and I can’t wait to find out what it is!

SMILE! Finals are almost over!

Well, they are over for Hannah and me, but this is for the other two beadies who aren't home yet!
I'm obsessed with this kid! So adorable! And freakishly talented with a ukulele!





Good luck finishing up! See you soon!