Inspired & Confused

Okay, I have to admit: I've been a little behind on my beadybeady blog reading lately. In fact, I just sat down and read the last four blogs posted by you lovelies, because that's how far behind I was. All I can say is...wow, you all are so encouraging! For the past few weeks I have been feeling completely out of whack spiritually, but not in the way that it usually happens with me. Typically, I would realize after about two weeks that I have not spent much time praying or reading my Bible, and then I'd sit down, feel horrible, talk to God, and make a "commitment" to myself and to Him that I was going to change. This time, things have been different. True, I have not been spending much time reading my Bible these past few weeks, but in all honesty, I am not feeling horrible. I am not feeling like a total screwup Christ-follower, and I'm not even feeling like I need to make some serious changes in my daily time commitments. It's weird, because I feel like I have been surrounded by various people lately talking about their "time with God" like it's just such a normal, assumed part of life. Um, can I just say...it's not. Yes, I think there is a lot of value in reading your Bible daily and setting aside specific times to spend with the Lord. However, since middle school, I have tried at this and gone through significant periods of time in which I read the Bible every day, like clockwork. And I will admit to you now that very little of that daily reading was done because I was really seeking to deepen my relationship with God, and very much of that was done because I was told that's what I was "supposed" to do. How sad is that? Do you think God is really pleased with me reading the Bible just so I can say that I did? I have been thinking about this more and more since coming to college, and especially in the last six months or so, and I'm starting to believe that He probably feels more loved by me when I choose to read the Bible (even if that happens less often) as opposed to doing it as a part of a daily routine.

I just read through Matthew in my New Living Translation, because I am really interested in reading about what Jesus actually said and how he actually lived. (By the way, I mention the NLT because it is literally giving new life to the verses I have heard my entire life only from the NIV) You know what I'm realizing? Jesus said a lot of stuff that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. He even said some things that I consider pretty controversial and that, based on my interpretation, are a little hard for me to swallow. Why doesn't anyone talk about these things? Okay, it's very possible that I am just reading the verses wrongly, but how the heck are we supposed to read these things in the context they were intended? I think I need my own personal ancient-Greek scholar to explain them to me. Oh wait...I already have one! ;)

Wow, I am really sorry. This is actually not at all what I intended to blog about. Hello, tangent! I guess you all got inside my mind a little bit! And that is the beauty of blogging. Perhaps I will write my original thoughts for you later, and perhaps not. I hope you all have an excellent rest of the week...and a week from today, we'll all be on Thanksgiving break!! :D

Besos y abrazos,

Heather Grace

Ask a thousand "what ifs," but all that matters is "what is"

Hello sisters. I always feel like I need a disclaimer before I blog, so this time there will not be one. Just to stick it to me. Or you. Or whoever I'm sticking it to.

This weekend ended up rather on the eventful side. I took my friend Kayla to dinner with my roommate, I saw Rob Young as a fairy king in A Midsummer Night's Dream, I dressed as a man for Terra Firma, I went to two surprise parties, I acted the part of a snotty doctor in Sunday school, I got lost, and I came face to face with my demise. Ok, call me dramatic, but I have never in my life been so close to death as I was this weekend. And no one even died.

On Sunday, I was talking to Hannah on the phone while driving up to Middle-of-Nowhere, Michigan for a Terra Firma (aka L.J.) event. I was coming late, hence I was alone. I was just a few miles away, so I glanced down at my mapquest directions to double check the exit. Mid-glance I heard and felt the large vibrations of a rumble strip beneath my tires. I swerved quickly to adjust my miscalculation, but the wheel just kept moving back and forth. Before I knew it, I had lost all control, fishtailed across the highway, rolled over twice and landed miraculously on the wheels of my car. Poor Hannah was still on the phone, calling my name after undoubtedly hearing me scream bloody murder. The rest was a blur. I talked to Hannah, my mom, a lady who had pulled over and told me to stay in my car, a first response team, a bunch of EMT people from the ambulance, a cop. I was rushed to the hospital with an IV in my arm and a neck brace around my neck, completely bound to some sort of plastic stretcher. At the hospital, I listened to doctors discuss whether they should cut my pants and bra off, whether I needed CAT scans or not and what I needed in my IV. The hospital was small, and protocol was certainly not followed in about a million ways, but I was ok in the end. The three CAT scans came back negative, the neck brace came off, and after about 4 hours, I was free to go home.

Of course, much more happened during the day, a lot of embarrassing things, a lot of annoying things, a lot of frightening things. But now I'm really just wondering about the aftermath of all this. I'm having a difficult time. I am feeling a million emotions at once. I'm feeling incredibly grateful that God spared my life and even spared me much injury. I'm feeling guilty because the whole thing was my fault and I ruined my dad's car and could've hurt others. (I'm thankful that I did not.) I'm feeling emotional, spontaneously crying out of nothing more than shock. I'm feeling lonely because no one quite gets why I'm upset. Mostly I'm feeling frustrated that I keep thinking about this stupid accident and frustrated that I'm emotional over it at all. It was my fault, I'm fine, it's over. That should be it, right? But something I never would've expected has crept up. It's almost like depression. Post-traumatic stress. I'm not sure what to label it, I just feel so many things at once and it's hard to concentrate on anything else. Everyone says it'll be a few days, weeks even, before I calm down. I suppose that's normal. But I guess I feel like I have no right to be so affected by it. I haven't even consciously thought, "I could be dead right now," more than a few times (and I could be--anyone who saw my demolished car knows I should be far more injured), but I believe that belies all of the emotion. The knowledge that I am in no way in control, and I cannot stop fishtailing cars. I cannot stop life when it careens out of control. And frankly, that knowledge is a little much for me.

I wish I could say that all is well because I've realized that although I am not in control the Lord is. I know this would be an appropriate and good Christian response; but if I told you that's what I'd learned I'd be lying. My relationship to the Lord is no better than it was Sunday morning. My understanding of his outrageous providence is no more real to me. Of course I recognize his hands have been all over me this weekend, but I haven't felt them enough to respond with a complete life change. I know that sounds horrible, but perhaps it's because he's saved my life before, in a much more significant way. Maybe I'm just insensitive.

What I have learned (or at least been reminded of) is that you can't change the past. Ask every "what if?" you can think of and still all that matters is "what is." That, to me, is sobering. No matter how many times I think, "I should've just been paying attention earlier and not gotten lost," or "I should've kept my eyes on the road," I still won't change the fact that I skidded off the road and put my life in jeopardy. On that note, no matter how long I wallow in my sin, no matter how many times I say, "what was I thinking?" it won't change what's been done. Sometimes I forget that my actions actually mean something. That they could mean something. The amount of power God has placed in our hands is much greater than I realize. Every move I make is important. My life, the lives of others, could be at stake. God wants me to work with him, to give him control, because if I don't, I mess all that up. Only God can handle this kind of power. And so we try our best to let Him.

Through it all, I knew, I know, that the Lord is with me. Whether I feel Him or not. Whether I watch for Him or not. Praise be to the King of kings.

Blessed,

e l i s a

Tis the Season....

Yeah... I couldn't help myself.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Could this be a turning point?

I had zero intention of blogging tonight, but Jesus just blew my mind, and I was afraid that if I didn't write about it, and fast, that the awe would be gone by morning.

Here's what happened.

First, I started writing in my journal. Here's a little excerpt: "It's so frustrating because I feel like I come back to this over and over. I always write about how I'm ignoring Jesus & I get convicted of it & then nothing changes. Is the conviction not real? Is the repentance not real? All I know is that somewhere along the line, something is off. I'm convinced that Satan is determined to get me so hung up on my inadequacies that I am unable to serve the One True God. How can I walk the line between healthy humility & self-hatred? Nothing about me is sufficient, & yet, by the grace of God, I can glorify & serve Him!"

Then I started to read today's entry in My Utmost for His Highest which I haven't picked up in a while, so it is truly a God thing that it was so applicable to my current dilemma. Here's part of what Mr. Chambers had to say: "If you seek great things for yourself, thinking, 'God has called me for this and for that," you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God's interests.... I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me... and all he asks of me is that I trust him.... When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything he chooses." And here is the kicker: "Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world." Thank you Oswald Chambers for hitting it home!

Ok, but seriously, we've all been there, right? We've all said, "God, my plans are your plans. Take over. I submit fully to you!" And then the next day we try to take it back. Hell, sometimes we try to take it back the second we get done praying. It's like when I try to ride my bike with no hands. I know I can do it, but the second I let go, I doubt that I can maintain balance, despite the amount of times I've done it before. I always try to steady myself immediately. Oh, how ironic, because my attempts to steady myself are so futile compared to the control that God has over my life!

Finally, I turned to 1 John. 1 John 5:3 to be exact. "This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world.(!!!!!!) This is the victory that had overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." (note: all of 1 John 5 blew my mind tonight... so to get the full context, go read it.)

Seriously, let's talk about overcoming the world shall we? First of all, God's commands are not a burden. John says that as a matter of fact. Like it's easy not to feel burdened. But the feeling of burden is not from God; it's from the world. For the world, following God's commands is the hardest thing ever. In fact, it's impossible. But for God, keeping the law is not impossible. So if we are born of God, which we are, we overcome the world and we are no longer slaves to our sin! (Ok... so I'm referencing Paul a bit... )

Oh my gosh, I can't quite explain why this verse was so encouraging to me, other than maybe to say that right now, at a time when I feel utterly defeated by the world, I needed that reminder that God overcame it through his son Jesus. And I was born again (forgive the cliche) and not only am I not defeated by the world, but I can overcome it! Satan is powerless next to the God that I serve. Through my inadequacies, God's glory can be revealed, because any good thing that I do is a result of God's mercy and grace. The end.

Everlasting.

What an awful feeling to lay in bed at night going over the day in your head and suddenly feel sick to your stomach when you realize that God was in no way a part of it. Yes, God is omnipresent and therefore always with me, but just because someONE is there...doesn't mean you will recognize them. Wow, what selfish beings we are. I know I'm not the only one who goes through this, but that definitely does not lighten the fact.
I truly have been seeking and yearning for time with the Lord. It's (not too be ironic, seeing as how I'm sick alllll of the time) literally the medicine I really need. How easy is it to get completely wrapped up in our own lives, and quickly find that though you may have accomplished a lot that day...the way you went about accomplishing those things might not have been glorifying to God? That though blows me away. I could work my butt of in school all day, and yet God very well may not be glorified through it. In ways He is, because I am doing my very best and what not, but if I'm sacrificing God as even a thought while I am doing it...then it's no good. I want to be in constant prayer with God, not just pray when I need something or randomly think of someone else...but always. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep I love the idea that I could be praising God. What a comfort to know that there is someone who is always there with you! Who never leaves you! His love endures FOREVER...it's everlasting. That fact alone, should help me never to complain again about anything.
Twin! Cant wait for you to come home! And Elisa I hope you are well and I am looking forward to chatting with you on the phone sometime! : ) Katesters...you know you love your Jezasheeba. ha!

Starting this Story

I went to hear Donald Miller speak this week. Good stuff. I came away with some things that have continued to be thought provoking.

To give you the gist, he talked about what makes a good story. He started by telling the story of how some people approached him about making a movie out of his book Blue Like Jazz (one of my favorites). The thing is though, Blue Like Jazz isn't really the type of book that would make a good movie, mostly because it doesn't really have a plot. It's kind of a series of introspective essays... which, I'm no film maker, but even I know that a movie basically needs a plot. So these movie producers essentially tell Don that his real life is too boring, so for the movie, they need to spice it up a little. Don, who admitted that after the success of his book he sat around watching Oprah and eating ice cream for a year, was motivated by these producers to find out what makes a good story so that he could, in turn, make his life a good story. Not so that he could make a movie out of it, but so that he could live a more enjoyable and more fulfilling life.

Here is Don's definition of a good story: There is a character who wants something, and is willing to overcome conflict in order to get it.

Now, this may seem obvious to you. But Don went on to say that if we want our lives to be a good story, then we have to fit this mold. That irked me a bit. "So Don, what you're telling me is, that if I want my life to be interesting, then the only thing I have to do is want something and then try to get it?" I immediately flashed to earlier in the day when I had spent approximately 45 minutes on apple.com looking at all of the features of a mac book and wondering if it was possible for me to conjure up $1000 so that I could get one. I thought, "I want a mac. They are shiny and awesome and if I had one, I could make videos like this." But of course, I never would make videos like that. I would probably find uses for all of those features, but the irony is that while I was on that web site, I was using my perfectly functional, mostly attractive PC, whose name is Akiba, and who I actually have no problem with. So the mac is what I want, and I am willing to overcome conflict to get it and then my life will be more interesting? Doubtful.

Don went on to tell me that in fact, for the story to be good, you have to want something interesting. Duh. No one is going to read a story about a college girl who overcomes the obstacle of working extra hours in retail to put enough money in savings to buy a shiny computer. So why is it that I am willing to admit that I want things that are uninteresting, but am afraid to admit the things that I really want? Example: It is easy for me to tell you that right now, I want a mac, and a peppermint patty, and for my feet to be one size smaller, and a new camera, and for all of my homework to go away. It is hard for me to tell you what I really want because if I admit what I really want, and then I never get it, maybe that means that I failed, or something.

Maybe life is boring because I'm not going after the things that I really want. And maybe that's because there have to be so many steps between here and there. Like, one thing I really want is to be a missionary. And what am I doing about that now? Sure, I'm doing some things... like reading a lot of web sites, and even talking to some people. But mostly, right now, I'm going to school, getting completely sucked up in it, and occasionally wasting 45 minutes on apple.com. Oh gosh, how many things do I do in a day that have no purpose whatsoever. I do so many things that are neither functional, nor do they bring me joy. Why? What kind of story does that make? A boring one. At one point Don said, "If I were to play some sounds of a jackhammer, birds, and a truck backing up, you would say that is noise, not music. But if I were to play Beethoven, you would call that music... There is a difference between random events and story. The mind engages stories, not random information. A story is music. Random information is noise." And lately, I feel like I'm living a jumble of random information, rather than living a story. So, I'm going on a quest to find the music, and the story. I don't know how fruitful a quest it will be. I know that no matter what happens next year, it will someday be a good story. But I'd like to have some stories in the mean time.

Heather's lonely vlog

Disclaimer: I say the word "exciting" way too many times in this.

In the spaces.

Well, I haven't been here in a while. Maybe because I've been so busy that I haven't even been able to process my own thoughts, let alone get them into a coherent enough fashion to post them for the world to read.

So, rather than try to convey to you the mess in my head right now, I will tell you a few things that have been giving me solace, entertainment, or just making me happy.


Foods of autumn: acorn squash, pecans, apples, pears.

Maybe I'm just way late on finding out about this but I love the idea behind it. The last couple of Sundays, I've looked forward to getting home and seeing what he posts. If you're intrigued, but confused, like I was, Wikipedia explains it pretty well. Tonight, Jon and I went to Barnes and Noble and checked out one of the actual books... so fascinating.

Jogging/ walking (I am so not a runner...) in early autumn warmth and seeing sunsets.

Cooking with curry. A few times a week. Oh, gosh I love it.

Finally reading The Same Kind of Different as Me.

Having eggs for breakfast.

Listening to classical music on the radio.



Don't let the list fool you. I'm entirely consumed with work/school right now. This is just how I cope.

Oh, and short sweet visits from good friends always helps!

Love,
Kate

Post Script: What's making you happy lately?

Oh the Rollercoaster of Life...

So, I really don't know where to start with this post. It's semi late at night, I'm tired, and instead of just journaling my thoughts for the day and then slipping into a mini coma like I usually do at night, I decided to share whats on my mind with my sisters. Preface; this blog may just make absolutely no sense to you three at all...so I'm sorry for that.

Well, I guess I'll just start out by saying that it has for sure been an exhausting past couple of weeks. I've been through not only physical sicknesses one after another, but I'd say emotional sicknesses as well. Now, don't freak out by that statement but I think its a good way to describe the emotional ups and downs and ultimately mass confusion that's been clouding my vision as of late. There really is a lot that I'm more willing to open up about now, especially after hearing people speak on the matter...reading some material, and talking to those who are strong and stable in their faith. So I hope that I can have the opportunity of talking with you girls about it eventually.

One of the struggles I've been dealing with lately is my emotional dependence on other humans. Now, that sounds weird as I type it because it's like..what..as opposed to other animals? But really it's been a problem. I find that when something is wrong in my life I automatically go running for help to those around me when in reality the only one who truly understands me, who can fulfill me emotionally, and who can completely heal me is God. But you know what? It's soo much easier to run to what is seen, to those who appear to be able to "relate" simply because they are humans as well. Therefore they must be able to know your pain right? Wrong. Yes, it's important to have other christians around you for support and for encouragment. However, that relationship (I have learned) can only go so far. There is only so much love that you can receive from that person. Their love, and time, and knowledge only goes so far. It's just the way things are. That is definitely why I have been feeling so lonely this year even though I am surrounded with people who "love" me. Yea, they do...and I'm so thankful to have them in my life, but the kind of love they can provide is NOT the kind of love I need. And that's something that has been extremely and excrutiatingly difficult for me to swallow. It's like time and time again I am let down by those around me, and again and again I am surprised? I shouldn't place such incredibly high expectations on the ones that love me...the humans that love me. They are unrealistic.

Anyways, as depressing as that all was...ha, it's been good for me to realize this hard truth because I feel like that way I can't get as hurt along my inevitably emotional path of life. In a lot of ways really dont feel like the same person I was only 2..3 weeks ago. That sounds ridiculous, but I've been learning so much about myself (mostly things I didnt want to know, ha) and even still would like to continue working through them and growing more in Christ everyday.

The Importance of Rest

One of the biggest struggles I have been dealing with this semester is time. Specifically, I have been very conflicted with how to best spend my time, and not necessarily because I have to balance all of these huge time commitments; rather, I have a huge LACK of time commitments. This is definitely a first for me. It took me awhile to pinpoint what exactly I was struggling with, and when I finally realized that my problem was simply having free time, I was quite stunned. Since middle school, I have been so involved in sports, activities, youth group, church, homework etc., that I have NEVER had gaps in my day in which there was literally nothing I had to do. I honestly think this is the first time in the last 10 years that my schedule has been so open. And here’s the kicker: it has taken me a good solid month to be OKAY with that. My initial response to having an open schedule was to fill it, or at least make sure that I was with other people socializing or being somewhat productive in that time. I felt guilty for having free time. But you know what? I don’t think that is healthy. I don’t think that God would want me to feel guilty for simply having hours each day to stop, sit, rest, or read. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that I think God is blessing me this semester with the gift of time. He knows that this is my final semester of college and that I have a LOT on my mind, and maybe he is giving me this time to take a step back from the busyness of life in order to reflect on the past 3 (or maybe even 21) years. I am guessing that after this January, my life will pick back up with many different time commitments, and it will not be so easy for me to stop, rest, and reflect. Although honestly, after this semester, I think I am going to make that more of a regular part of my life – even with the busyness.

Here’s the thing...I am still struggling with this. I still feel a natural inclination to be busy and fill up my time with things that I don’t really need to do. Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I have completely stopped caring about relationships or classes (although my concern for school has definitely decreased – thank you, senioritis). It’s just that I am starting to look forward to those times in my day when I have the option of taking a nap, reading a book for FUN, or just having some good old fashioned Heather-time. I am still driven to use my time productively, but I am also aware that I have enough time in my day for both homework and relaxing. It’s quite a fantastic feeling!

Anyway, I hope that was at least a little encouraging to you. I would really advise anyone who feels like busyness is taking over your life to make the most of those free periods in your day…take a nap! Read a book! Call a friend! Blog! ;)

I love you, my sisters, and I hope to talk to you soon!

Heather Grace