6 months ago

November 14^th. That was just over 6 months ago. 6 months.

That’s the day I knew I wasn’t leaving. Not yet. After that day, I faced the world in a new way. People were divided into two categories: those who knew, and those who didn’t. Those who knew would approach cautiously, looking downcast, and say things like, “how are you holding up?” Those who didn’t would be talking to me about whatever, and then it would dawn on them, and they’d say, “Oh yeah, when are you leaving?” Then I would twist up my face and say something weak like, “Well, it’s a long story… but I’m not.”

6 months ago, I also stopped taking pictures. I stopped painting. I stopped playing my guitar. Right after Christmas, I stopped knitting. For a few weeks, I took solace in the word, but after that, I started to glaze over while reading it. I started reading out of obligation, as if storing facts for the next test. Someone would inevitably ask me what I had been learning, and I’d pull something out of the stores in my head (that same section where I store SAT vocabulary and Presidential trivia) and give them some lame response. Or some days, if I was really tired, I’d just say, “it’s been hard, but the Lord’s been faithful.” Which is true, but that should never be the last ditch answer. The Lord is faithful, but his faithfulness should not be reduced to small talk.

Not long after, I started making myself look really good on paper. I pretended to be completely sure of myself, and convinced myself that I was qualified for anything the working world could throw at me. I applied for jobs that I was underqualified for, and jobs I was overqualified for. And none of those employers seemed to want me. I started wearing suits and eyeliner, both of which I had hoped to leave behind for the third world. Then I got a job. It was handed to me, but I was okay with that. I started smiling a lot, and wearing a metal name tag, and handing out business cards.

A few weeks later, I packed up what was left of my life and put it in a u-haul. I then spent evenings walking the aisles of discount stores so that I could accumulate lamps, pots and pans, and picture frames. I started a life completely my own, and completely different from what I imagined just a year ago.

Somewhere in there, I picked up my camera again. Not every day. Nowhere close to every day. But some things were worth documenting. I tuned my guitar. I opened my eyes while I was reading my bible.

This blog does not even begin to describe the things that I’ve processed with God over these past 6 months. Maybe in another 6 months, I’ll be able to explain those things with a little more perspective and clarity. But for now, I can agree with God who says in His word that “the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.” In some ways, I feel like I’m starting over, like morning is breaking. And you know what, it was awful getting here, but now, it’s not so bad.

The changes. Where to start?

A lot of things have changed since I last blogged. I joined Twitter. I learned that I really like guacamole AND I learned how to make it. I started volunteering as a middle school youth group leader. I've had 7 interviews with the same company and still don't know if I have a job there. I now have at least 3 genuine friends here in MN. I gained about 10 pounds. I crashed my car and then, thankfully, got it fixed. I started watching seasons of Grey's Anatomy as a way to cope with the stress of my job. I have a husband who is just a month away from getting his MDiv. I survived a horribly snowy winter driving an average of 60-80 miles per day. And, that's all I can think of right now!

Oh, there is one more change that I wish to tell you about: I decided it's time to turn my life around. I know, you might be thinking that enough changes are going on, it's not like I need another one. However, with everything that has happened this winter, I really gave up on my relationship with God. I can't blame my job, even though I tried to for awhile. Honestly, I became pretty depressed this winter, and unlike every other period of depression I've experienced, this time I did NOT turn to God for help. I have seen so much brokenness and heard such heartbreaking stories from my clients this year that I started to carry their burdens on my back. No matter how hard I tried, I could not harden myself to their pain. I had to empathize, which means I had to really feel what they felt. And let me tell you, listening to 20 people's heartbreaking stories each week takes its toll! Hence, my need to dive into the drama of Grey's Anatomy.

For the last few weeks I have been trying to hand everything over to God a little at a time. I finally decided that things needed to change. My first step was to start listening to the local Christian radio station. I know that sounds like a weird first step, but considering I am constantly in my car, it actually makes a big difference. Secondly, I started praying in my car. Whenever I need a break from the radio (which is often, let's face it - Christian radio stations play the same songs at least 3x a day), I try to fill my time with talking to God. I'm still working on that, but I can already feel it improving my mood. This week, I am trying to read my Bible each night, just a chapter at a time. I used to be able to read my Bible much more than that, but after having some major struggles with some things I found in the Bible, I now have to break it down into smaller pieces. Reading every day is still a work in progress, but I'm glad I finally committed to doing it again.

That's really the biggest thing going on in my life right now. I feel like I am nearing the end of this dark period, and I am ready for warmth, sun, and summer! Thanks for listening. I hope you all are doing well!

Love,

Heather

A simpler time

Dear sisters,

I was just looking through my emails for an applesauce recipe with rum and couldn't find it. So I typed in "rum" in the search bar. I didn't find the recipe, but I DID find an email from Heather from the summer of 2009. (Heather would be writing to me about rum...;) )

That got me on a nostalgia kick. I decided to look back at our blog from June 2009. I only looked at a few posts, and only from one month, but man was it a reminder of how good God is to us. Not only is it kind of funny to see the things we were going through then, and exciting to see how we've worked through them, and beautiful to see where God's brought us...but it's really just comforting to see how all of us have been friends, stayed friends and will continue to be friends. I know this is sappy, but I don't care. I watched a "vlog" of Heathie and me and I just couldn't help but smile--not just because we're young(er) and silly, but because there are a whole host of videos of been able to watch from my past (thanks to facebook) and usually they make me sad. Usually I'll see a video of a Lake Ridge friend or an old peer that I haven't spoken to in years--even college friends I'm no longer friends with--and I grow sad. Sad that friendships didn't last, that life moves on, that I may never know any more about that person than what I knew in High School or what I can read on their facebook posts. But with you girls, I feel as though I never have to worry about that. With you girls, I watch an old video, smile, and get excited to say, "Hey Heathie, remember when...?"

All this to say, I cherish you all, and love you all so much. We have been through a TON over the last year--heck, over the last three years--individually and sometimes together. For whatever reason, God has seen fit to keep us all together. And that, I'd say, is pretty great.

I cannot wait to see you all soon and make more memories. So that I can be sappy again like this two years from now and tell you all how wonderful you are and how wonderful God's been. And none of you will look at it and get sad.

When I stop, He keeps on going

Well, it's been an interesting past few weeks to say the least. And somehow, I've been surprised at how God keeps showing up.

I would love to say, "Here's what I've learned: ..." but just because I've noticed something hardly means I've learned it. (If that were the case, I would never be surprised by God's faithfulness.) What I've noticed though is how God is always faithful, even when I'm not. What I've noticed is how God's interested and involved in every aspect of my life, as well as the lives of those I love, even when I forget to/am too lazy to pray. What I've noticed is that God is not the slightest bit dependent on me, and that I am more dependent on Him than even I understand.

Last week, I was offered a job. It was a job for a legal services company in which I would be sorting mail, answering phone calls, possibly doing some marketing. It would've used a few of my skills--like writing, and cordiality--and I think would've stretched me to befriend those around me. Nevertheless, I turned it down.

I promised Kate a blog about this decision, so I'll try to be thorough. I'm admittedly in a bit of a thoughtful mood right now, however, and may end up reflecting more than explaining. Call with questions. ;)

Here are the nuts and bolts: my current employer is now able to give me a raise, and, as far as I know, increased hours. I will likely go "real" full-time (benefits, retirement, salary etc.) at the beginning of the summer, but there's no guarantee there. Matt and I are just trusting the Lord will provide.

There's more to it than that, though. I mean, the other job paid more, but we'd have to buy a new car, thus about sucking up any extra income I'd have. I know this job better and like it more now that I'm graduated, etc. But the really interesting thing is how I felt, for the first time in a long time, that God led this decision. See, the sister of an old high school friend was unexpectedly killed last week. The day after that I had a tough/revealing conversation with a friend. Before I could make a decision about a job, I had to decide whether I'd go to Cleveland for the funeral or stick with my commitment to go on our only middle school youth retreat of the year with my sixth grade beauties. I decided on Thursday to go on the retreat, still unsure of whether I was making the right decision. On Friday, I got the job offer, had a few hours to think about it, then left for 'Snow Camp.' I had to let the company know my plans by Monday. So, already stressed by the week's news, on Friday I prayed that God would speak to me at this retreat, forgetting that I am no longer the priority on retreats, that now it is more important that God speak to those 120 junior high kids. Not to worry though, God put me in my place.

The weekend was non-stop. I literally had no break at all to think about this job decision, no less pray for the funeral that I longed to attend to comfort old friends. On Sunday, our bus broke down on the way back, and we were stuck entertaining middle schoolers for 3 hours longer than anticipated. (Matt and I created a trivia game for all the kids on our bus. And can I just say we're good together? :) ) When we got back, Matt and I talked briefly about the job and then I started feeling miserable, got a fever, and went to bed.

All this to say, on Friday, I thought I had a life changing decision in my hands. Perhaps I did. But I forgot that I truly am not the one making the decision. I forgot that the Lord is perfectly capable of "figuring things out" for me, especially considering he planned it all. I forgot (until about Saturday) how important it was that I serve five 11-year-old girls, and impart wisdom on them that I learned from living the things I hope they'll avoid. I really did have a great weekend. And the good news is, even without time for my worrying, somehow God still managed to pull through. Imagine that.

In some ways, I know just what to expect for the next year or so, and in others, I have absolutely no idea. No one can predict when a life will end, when a job will pick up or die, when a friend will call for help or to accuse or to question. And I think, for once, I'm in a place where I'm okay with that uncertainty. Even a little excited. Because 'we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.' Now, to fall further in love. And what a difficult, and worthy journey that will be.

A year in waiting

Hello friends,

Well, we're one week into the new year. I don't think any new year has brought quite so much reflection for me as this year has. Maybe it's because I'm less busy than I've ever been, but I've found myself thinking about everything that's happened in the past year, and to be honest, it has been really hard.

If I had to pick one word to describe the year, it would be waiting.

I started 2010 at Urbana, where I made a commitment to do some sort of short term missions work that year. I lived in a homeless shelter... does that count? I think so, but when I filled in that commitment card, I meant something different. I had different plans. And I didn't know what those were, but my answer to so many questions that I faced throughout the year was, "I'm still waiting to hear from..." or, "I'm just waiting to find out...." I'm struggling with the feeling that the last 6 months of my life has been wasted. I know it hasn't been, but it feels that way. Because I was working toward something that never happened. And now the things that I should be doing (according to the world, according to my parents) I'm not prepared to do because I was so singularly focused on the one thing that I thought God wanted me to do.

Here I am, at the beginning of 2011, and I am tired of waiting. I'm ready for an answer. I feel desperate. I feel tired of not liking my own answers to questions that I hear constantly. But then, there's something so humbling about being where I am.

Loose ends are humbling. They remind me that I don't have it all together. No matter how on top of things I would have been in college, no matter how many career fairs I could have gone to, no matter how many internships I could have had, none of that would have guaranteed me a career, or an apartment, or security. God can provide all those things, or he can withhold them. I can trust that He has my best interests in mind, or I can try to trust in my own abilities. I wonder which way would work best...

I don't have answers. I don't have a solution. I'm resolving to keep learning how to wait better. Because Lord knows I'll at least have to wait till Monday for the next answer, and who knows what kind of waiting that one could lead to.

Love.

PS. I'd like to distinguish between waiting and anticipation. I loathe waiting to hear about a job, or a placement, or whatever. I love anticipation, which is what I feel about Elisa's suggestion! A Beady Beady getaway? Sounds like something worth waiting for :)

A beady revolution...I mean reunion...or do I?

Hey ladies,

So Heather's dream for a dance party got me thinking. There was a time when one of us said something like this: "We should get together every Christmas and go away together so we can go to Indian Lake (which is love!) where there are flowers and music and dance parties and ponies! We will be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..."

Flash forward to reality. TWO Christmases have gone by and this has not happened. Our annual trip has happened exactly one time, making it annual nonetheless, but also biannual, triannual, and a number of other "ual's," like never actUALly happening again, and intellectUALly puzzling since we're all such good friends.

I'm not sure what our excuse was in 2009, but after the 2010 Christmas of insanity for me and traveling for Hannah and limited time for Heather and being-the-only-stable-one for Kate, I think we can pretty much push meeting every Christmas as a foursome out of the picture.

Don't let this grim outlook get you down, though. The backdrop of this sisterhood is much more vibrant than the puce-y Cleveland skies. Especially since I just so happen to be a inferno for blazing ideas right now.

Here's my thought. Since Christmas gets crazy with two married beadies trying to appease families and all the other hullabaloo, and since it's kind of rude to Jesus, not to mention tacky, for us to schedule our own separate party on HIS birthday, I'm thinking we need to invent another holiday. Yep. Beady Beady day, or Beady Beaday for short.

I'm thinking that this new national (and by national I mean secret to essentially everyone but us) holiday could be used annually for us to actUALly get together. AnnUALly.

Beady Beaday doesn't have to stay the same date every year, it could float around like Easter (even though frankly I still don't understand why the most important day in the Christian year has yet to find a home). But whatever qualities we choose to attribute to this day, I think it would be wise of us to somehow squeeze into our lives a special time each year to spend a weekend together. Maybe I've just heard too many fantastical stories of best friends meeting up every year for the rest of their lives, but regardless, I say we go for it. Otherwise, who knows where the wiles of life will pull us? I know we can't know that no matter what, but I'd like to at least be able to be certain of our enduring friendship.

So for now, I don't really have a suggested date, place, or anything else detail-y about this. (Let's be honest, Kite is the details lady.) But my thoughts and my longings for dance parties and sisters had a baby, and this is what came out. Wow. I need to not write any more.

Thoughts?

.e.l.i.s.a.

Hannah's Health Habits.

Sisterrrrss. I am in fact, sick. Again. I really do think I have one of the worst immune systems. Especially after a couple months of having bronchitis this semester, and then pneumonia to top it off...I suppose it shouldn't surprise me to now have a bad cold. I AM a little worried though, because I have a new pain right of my back. Before, it was my right front and as the doctor told me...that is where the pneumonia was concentrated. I might be going to the hospital tonight to get an x-ray or something. I'm getting a little worried, because I am leaving for the west coast on Saturdayy. : ( I'm getting very frustrated. It's a very annoying thing...not being healthy for months. Also, it's not just my physical deterioration that is worrying me. It's my emotional one as well.

I have been through so much this semester, and honestly don't know how I made it through. I'm sure it had to do with all of your constant prayers and for that I am grateful. Please continue to pray for me. That I would heal quickly, that my travels would be safe, and that my heart would grow stronger in order to fight the evil that seems to be attacking my soul every moment. I love you sisters so much, and don't know what I'd do without you all. Can't wait to be able to talk and give you a big hug.

Your Sister,

Hannah Grace

Stream of consciousness

Well ladies, I'm at a loss. What do I do with my life? Where is God taking me? What if he takes me somewhere I don't really feel like going? You hear about stories in the Bible where even men of God don't want to go where God wants them. But honestly, it seems like it's always because of danger, the fear of death, some other pending doom that there seems to be no way out of if they dare follow God. What if you just don't envision yourself going where God's leading? What if it's not so much fear involved as boredom? I think I need to read through Jonah...

This job search thing has been overwhelming. One day I'll feel really certain that I should find a job in HR, the next that I should work with troubled teens. Seldom do I think about working in the news business for years, and yet oddly I think that's where I may be for a while. I guess as stressed as I've been searching for work, it's been kind of exciting--the thought of something new, the thought of bursting the Christian bubble I've lived in for the past 3 years. It's all sort of thrilling. And yet I may not always be called to thrills. Maybe this is the chance to just start doing some serious volunteer work. Maybe this is the time to trust. To obey.

It seems that all of us are in the same predicament right now: stuck in a rut. Looking for jobs, looking for normalcy, looking for adventure, looking for life. We women were not made to sit quietly and lead adventure-less lives. Yet somehow I think that's what God calls us to for some seasons, if only to prepare us for the exciting future he undoubtedly has planned for us. That exciting future just may not come in the package we expect.

I wish I knew where I'd be in five years, even one. But I know that if I were to find out, something would be missing: the mystery that lies within the uncertain; the challenge that is found in trusting; the joy that grows out of obedience. It would be hard not to get complacent, not to obsess over the future. (I have a hard enough time not doing that when I don't know what it holds.) I guess what I'm trying to say is, as much as I don't want to admit it, God knows better than I do what he's doing, and better than I do what ought to be done. So now just one question: how do I let go? For good.

e.l.i.s.a

Read this blog to find out about my plans.

Since I went public with my big life changing news this week, I suppose I can blog about it now. I am apparently prophetic. Toby read a facebook status and misconstrued the meaning of it, thinking that I was pulling out of SIM (Toby, you weren't the only one who misunderstood that status) and days later I find out that in fact, I did need to pull out of SIM. But the story about SIM isn't why I'm blogging. It's the big event in my life, but really not the big thing in my life.

Do you ever feel like you are focusing on one thing so much in your relationship with God that you miss everything else? Spiritual Tunnel Vision? I think that's what I'm recovering from. To some extent, I think everyone has it. I think it must be part of the fall. We're so focused on ourselves that we can't extend our focus to too many other things at once. Well, the past few months have been about me trusting God's plan for my life. That's about it. Not to diminish the importance of that, but that's all I was talking to God about. God help me to trust your plan. God help me to see your plan. Give me clarity. Preferably NOW.

You know, yesterday, I did a search for the word "plan" in the bible using my trusty online ESV study bible. Then I started clicking on New Testament results. First on Matthew. 4 results. The catch? The search engine had not actually returned any results for the word "plan" but had instead returned 4 instances of the word "plant" or some form of it. In the ESV (the same is not true of the NIV) the word "plan" actually does not occur in the synoptic gospels. And, as far as I can tell from my quick internet searches, Jesus actually never uses the word "plan." What does that say? Jesus does not talk about plans. He talks about plants. There are a lot of plans in the bible, and most of the time, they're no good. Instead, what are we to do? Be rooted in Christ!

The day before I found out for sure that SIM was a no-go, a friend gave me a devotional that took me to 1 Thessalonians 4:3- For this is the will of God; your sanctification. The will of God has very little to do with where I actually am and very much to do with who I am becoming. So, what is my focus now? Well, I'm trying to roll with the punches. I've sent out a lot of resumes. I've started dreaming about apartments. I've started praying about what God wants to teach me right now. I can tell you one thing. I'm not making any plans.

What on earth am I doing here alone again...

I know I'm not supposed to post here. And after this, I'll never post again. But I've been watching a bit too much Alias, so I decided to hack in to ask for a favor.

Because honestly, it makes me feel a bit silly to check this blog twice a week when there are never any posts for nearly a month! I hear a small voice in my head saying, "Are you serious? What are you, some kind of stalker? You're more interested in this blog than they are! That's pretty messed up, pal." I don't know about you, but I hate it when my inner voice refers to me as "pal."

So how about it? I know you all haven't been in bed for the entirety of the past month. And even if you were in bed for a month, that type of illness would probably be blogworthy. What is new in the life of Beady's near and far?

Toby

Disclaimer: The views, opinions, conclusions and other information expressed in this blog post are not given or endorsed by the Beady Beady membership.