Stream of consciousness

Well ladies, I'm at a loss. What do I do with my life? Where is God taking me? What if he takes me somewhere I don't really feel like going? You hear about stories in the Bible where even men of God don't want to go where God wants them. But honestly, it seems like it's always because of danger, the fear of death, some other pending doom that there seems to be no way out of if they dare follow God. What if you just don't envision yourself going where God's leading? What if it's not so much fear involved as boredom? I think I need to read through Jonah...

This job search thing has been overwhelming. One day I'll feel really certain that I should find a job in HR, the next that I should work with troubled teens. Seldom do I think about working in the news business for years, and yet oddly I think that's where I may be for a while. I guess as stressed as I've been searching for work, it's been kind of exciting--the thought of something new, the thought of bursting the Christian bubble I've lived in for the past 3 years. It's all sort of thrilling. And yet I may not always be called to thrills. Maybe this is the chance to just start doing some serious volunteer work. Maybe this is the time to trust. To obey.

It seems that all of us are in the same predicament right now: stuck in a rut. Looking for jobs, looking for normalcy, looking for adventure, looking for life. We women were not made to sit quietly and lead adventure-less lives. Yet somehow I think that's what God calls us to for some seasons, if only to prepare us for the exciting future he undoubtedly has planned for us. That exciting future just may not come in the package we expect.

I wish I knew where I'd be in five years, even one. But I know that if I were to find out, something would be missing: the mystery that lies within the uncertain; the challenge that is found in trusting; the joy that grows out of obedience. It would be hard not to get complacent, not to obsess over the future. (I have a hard enough time not doing that when I don't know what it holds.) I guess what I'm trying to say is, as much as I don't want to admit it, God knows better than I do what he's doing, and better than I do what ought to be done. So now just one question: how do I let go? For good.

e.l.i.s.a