A year in waiting

Hello friends,

Well, we're one week into the new year. I don't think any new year has brought quite so much reflection for me as this year has. Maybe it's because I'm less busy than I've ever been, but I've found myself thinking about everything that's happened in the past year, and to be honest, it has been really hard.

If I had to pick one word to describe the year, it would be waiting.

I started 2010 at Urbana, where I made a commitment to do some sort of short term missions work that year. I lived in a homeless shelter... does that count? I think so, but when I filled in that commitment card, I meant something different. I had different plans. And I didn't know what those were, but my answer to so many questions that I faced throughout the year was, "I'm still waiting to hear from..." or, "I'm just waiting to find out...." I'm struggling with the feeling that the last 6 months of my life has been wasted. I know it hasn't been, but it feels that way. Because I was working toward something that never happened. And now the things that I should be doing (according to the world, according to my parents) I'm not prepared to do because I was so singularly focused on the one thing that I thought God wanted me to do.

Here I am, at the beginning of 2011, and I am tired of waiting. I'm ready for an answer. I feel desperate. I feel tired of not liking my own answers to questions that I hear constantly. But then, there's something so humbling about being where I am.

Loose ends are humbling. They remind me that I don't have it all together. No matter how on top of things I would have been in college, no matter how many career fairs I could have gone to, no matter how many internships I could have had, none of that would have guaranteed me a career, or an apartment, or security. God can provide all those things, or he can withhold them. I can trust that He has my best interests in mind, or I can try to trust in my own abilities. I wonder which way would work best...

I don't have answers. I don't have a solution. I'm resolving to keep learning how to wait better. Because Lord knows I'll at least have to wait till Monday for the next answer, and who knows what kind of waiting that one could lead to.

Love.

PS. I'd like to distinguish between waiting and anticipation. I loathe waiting to hear about a job, or a placement, or whatever. I love anticipation, which is what I feel about Elisa's suggestion! A Beady Beady getaway? Sounds like something worth waiting for :)