Honestly, I don't know how honest I've been with you all lately. Because honestly, I have not been doing great with the Lord. Honestly, last night was the first night in a long time where I truly felt as if I could only do all things through HIM who gives me strength rather than through me.
It's a funny thing how not being open damages a person. I have not purposely been hiding anything from the three of you or from my husband, but I have just stopped talking about my spiritual life. With anybody. Even the Lord. For a while, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Frankly, just about all summer long I omitted that part of my life from every conversation (the fact that I even have the ability to do that probably says something about the state of my heart right now), and now fall is well underway and I have not changed my habits in the slightest. Of course, the reasoning behind this is because I know that I have not been focusing the kind of effort or time I should be with the Lord. I'd love to blame it on change, on adjusting to married life, on it being my last semester, and believe me, I do use these as excuses. But what it really comes down is laziness with a hint of apathy. And you know, despite my extreme busyness, things are going pretty well for me, so what do I need the Lord for, right? I know how incredibly blasphemous that sounds, and I would never actually say that out loud, but that's really what I've been saying with my life. (And everyone knows 80% of communication is nonverbal. . . ) Why is it that it is so difficult for me to believe that I need the Lord even when there is not a "crisis" happening in my life? This is not a new problem in my life, but certainly an emphasized one over the last several months. I was at one point more disciplined. Why is that so hard to build and so simple to tear down?
Honestly girls, I've been avoiding writing anything on here, because I know that once I started to write I would inevitably need to be honest. Honestly though, Sara Groves is right when she says, "Oh honesty--oh honestly--the truth be told for the saving of our souls."
Your slightly blasphemous and forever imperfect friend,
Elisa
1 comment:
Dear Elisa, please don't think you are alone in feeling this way. Your blog pretty much sums up my state of heart for the last year. In the last week, I have felt a change coming, but that change is nowhere near complete and I empathize with you entirely.
I love you, sister.
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