Just questions.

Oh. Dear.
These last two weeks were something else.
Will I graduate? No? Yes? What?
Will I go to India? Africa? Jordan? Thailand? Minneapolis? Chicago? Hiram?
Will I even make it safely to Cleveland, driving in a white out, in my tiny tin can of a car?
Will I get to have "free time?" What even is free time?
Will I ever finish knitting my stinking hat?!
Will I get hours at work... ever again?
Will I make it through my American lit class without screaming at my professor?
Will I ever meet a MAN?
Will I ever learn to not procrastinate?
Will I ever become less easily annoyed?
Will I..........

You know how sometimes, business interferes with our lives to the point that we don't feel like humans anymore, just like things that have to-do lists, but no relationships? I have felt so overwhelmed by my to-do lists this past week, that even my relationships became a part of a list. I crammed my friends into my day like I crammed in a meeting with my advisor, or like I slipped in some reading for my Hinduism class. And God, too. He was just part of a to-do list this week. Today, tonight, was the first chance I had to even breathe.

Not really sure where I'm going with this. I guess, our little blog was looking empty, maybe because you all feel like you don't have time to breathe, let alone blog. Or maybe because everything is just stressful enough to consume you, but just mundane enough to not want to write about. That's how I've felt. Like my crises aren't really crises, and who wants to read about that?

And on that note, I'm out. Sleep time.

Hope you're well, sisters.

Some thoughts from a technology-hating prospective missionary.

If you know me, you know how much I normally hate talking on the phone. Not as much as I hate texting, but generally, I'm a talk-on-the-phone-to-make-plans-to-actually-see-each-other-in-person kind of person. But, let's be real. Gas is up to 2.75 a gallon, and I'm not getting very many shifts at the Old Navy, so it's not exactly practical for me to drive to see all of my friends in person. Heather, if we were using vegetable oil to fuel our cars, I probably would have driven to Indiana today, just to see your face, because I miss you girl (and because we buy our vegetable oil at Costco, and have a sick amount in our cupboard).
So today, I settled. I talked on the phone to not one, not two, but three dear friends. One was in Parma, one in Cleveland, and one in Hiram (yes, my mom and I have been a bit estranged... so I'm including her in this list). I talked on the phone for probably a total of 2 1/2 hours today, which for me is quite a feat. Additionally, I had lunch with one beady, a quick run in with another, and coffee with... someone else. Overall, I had a socially successful day. Even if I had to suck it up and mostly talk to people without making eye contact.
I think I feel accomplished because for the most part, I've done a really terrible job lately of keeping my relationships in tact. And I have no good reason for it. I've been really lazy for the past month. Sitting around my house. Watching movies and Gilmore Girl re-runs, and hopelessly failing at my goal of finishing some books before I go back to school.
And so today, even though I did watch a movie, I got to catch up with people who I haven't talked to in a long time. People who had big life events happen that I didn't even know about, because I was too busy knitting. Of course, ironically, if I had done a little more facebook stalking, I could have known all of these things... but let's face it, I hate facebook too.
At the same time though, I so take talking on the phone, and even facebook, for granted. I can do it any time I want. That earthquake that just happened in Haiti: that could happen in whatever place I'm in next year. I keep thinking that I could be someplace impoverished and something terrible could happen, and sure I could die (strangely, I'm not that scared of that happening), but almost as bad would be living and having no way to let anyone know. For days. It's weird because now that my goals for the mission field are becoming clearer, I'm realizing how very unglamorous it will be, and as excited as I am to be stretched to my limits, I'm also getting a little scared. It's healthy fear, I suppose; I'm not having night terrors or anything. But all these little things have started to creep into my head, things that remind me of what so many people in the world have put up with for their whole lives, and how lucky I am that right now, for 2.75 a gallon, I could drive to my parents' apartment an hour away, and give them a hug, and make a grilled cheese sandwich on their stove, and drink cold, clean water from their tap, and use a heated blanket, and sleep in their extra bed, and borrow some pajamas, and the list goes on...... of things that I have so readily available to me, that so many people would never even dream of.
I guess I shouldn't blog at 2 in the morning... because that is really not what I intended to write about when I came on here. But I guess materialism has been on my mind a lot lately, so it had to wriggle its way into my late night (or early morning) ramblings as well.
I'm losing steam, so I think I'll go to bed now. Ladies, good night. I'm so grateful for you. Really. Truly.

the 'w' word

Wedding. wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding. Wedding. Wedding wedding. WEDDINGGGGGG! Wedding, wedding wedding? Wedding. Wedding? Wedding.

Sick of that word yet? Just thought I'd key you all into how I'm feeling about it. How it invades every second of my thought, time and action. How it is all I talk about because it's all anyone talks to me about. How anything I see on TV turns into an idea for a centerpiece. How even as I follow Boy Meets World, I'm to the point where Cory and Topanga just got married. How I forgot that I go to school, no less that I am a SCUF this semester and even have some friends. How we have bridal magazines and bridal books laying in every nook and cranny of our house so we can eventually become inspired at bridal shows. My dress. Bridesmaid dresses. Flower girl dresses. DJ. Florist. Photographer. Guest list. Cut guest list. Budget. Cut guest list more. Save-the-dates. Invitations. Oh yeah, and try to get some sleep. You always look so tired.

I have to be honest, I thought everyone was making a much bigger deal out of wedding plans than they needed to before I had a ring on my finger. I thought to myself, "How hard can it be? Make some calls, get a venue, invite some folks. What's to be stressed about?" Perhaps I "should be able to" go back to that point, but let's be honest, it's dripping in naiveté. I am a bit embarrassed and a bit ashamed at the way I have scoffed at brides I have known in the past who get overwhelmed by their plans to the point of threatening relationships and in fact their own sanity. Needless to say, my eyes have been open. It's only been two weeks of wedding planning and already ice is getting thinner in relationships and my sanity, well, that was questionable to begin with--it can't be much better now. I just find it all a bit troubling and a tinge perplexing. "Why," I think to myself, "has such a happy occasion been turned foul? Why has such a beautiful symbol of commitment been choked by the weeds of materialism, expectations and gift registries?" I haven't come to a conclusion on this point, but I have begun to realize that everything they tell you about, "this is your day" is bull. It's not my day any more than a family reunion or a church outreach is my day. This I am ok with. I realize that if the wedding was for Matt and I we'd probably just elope. But the point of a wedding is to gather people together and to see old friends and to celebrate together. So I'm ok with it not being about me, I just wish people would stop lying to me and telling me that it is. It's made me kind of selfish.

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I suppose it was just to vent my frustration in hopes that if I wrote the 'W' word out enough times I wouldn't think about it for at least 5 minutes after I finish writing this. What's funny is that the reason I think about it so much is that I don't care about it. I have never been concerned about my...W, so now that I have to make all of these decisions, I don't know what to choose. I'll be honest, I'm much more concerned with the marriage resulting from this W than I am in the actual W. And I think that's just fine, thanks. Planning for one day verses planning for a lifetime. I think most people focus on the day because it's easier. Overwhelming, sure. But nothing to planning out the rest of your life. And so these wedding-inspired marriages fail. Maybe if they had been marriage-inspired weddings things would be different. And so I am doing my best to have just that: a marriage-inspired wedding. I'm finding that this is in fact a much more difficult task than planning a celebration. It's preparing. It's bracing yourself. For life.

e l i s a

The latest from a soon to be college GRAD!

I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Heather Grace, 21 almost 22-year-old girl (woman?), psychology student in Indiana, lover of dance and edamame. I feel the need to introduce myself because some of you blog readers may have forgotten about me due to my lack of beady-activity in the last few months. Wow, so much and also so little has happened since I last blogged. So much time has passed, Christmas has come and gone, and yet I feel very similar to how I felt back in November. I am now 13 days away from being a college graduate, I still don’t have a job lined up, and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Sound familiar? Well, it is.

I’ve been trying to make the most of my last few weeks at Taylor, but I’m finding it very hard to do. I am overwhelmed with an anxious, unsettled feeling - the desire to get out and move on. Most of you readers probably know the reason behind this feeling, and for those of you who don’t, feel free to ask. But it’s not only the boy that is the cause of this anxiousness, no, it is also the lack of comfort I feel here. I no longer feel a part of this community. Not in my classes, around campus, the dining commons, my job, or even my apartment. I just don’t belong here anymore. I think what I’m seeking is a lot of different things, but they are all wrapped up in the idea of moving to Minnesota. I’m seeking independence, job experience, friendship, a new church, a place to volunteer, love, warmth, understanding, and the freedom to be myself again. I’m so excited by the thought of starting over again, it’s the feeling I had before going away to college and also after every time I moved to a new place growing up. Maybe this is just how I am wired – I need significant change about every four years. Who knows?

This brings me to the present. What are my plans now, you may ask? Excellent question. Once I am officially done with school, I will move home for about a week, and then I am going to Minneapolis for two weeks. In that time, I have one job interview, a meeting with a temp-to-hire agency, and three other meetings with various people to “network.” I’m also planning on looking at apartments (I might have a possible lead on this topic) and trying to figure out a living situation. And of course I will spend any leftover time (okay, MOST of my time) with Toby. :) Then, I’ll come back home for a week or two, and I’m hoping by then I will have a job! In reality, I’m pretty hopeful that this job interview will become an actual job, and I can do this along with a possible part-time job for extra cash. We shall see…

Okay, that’s all I have for now. I hope to see at least two of you very soon, and Lisey, we’ll have to figure something out before I move across the Midwest! I love you much, my sisters.

Heather Grace