Melancholy musings make for alliteration

Dear lovelies,

I am more than slightly overwhelmed. (Yes, I will be complaining for the first bit of this blog, so settle in.) We are currently looking for a car, an apartment, and some other life things I won't mention on this blog but you all know about. I have been feeling immensely over-worked at work. I've been easily irritable--a quality I do not like in anyone else, and therefore should probably not be exhibiting myself. In short, I'm burnt out. At the same time, I've been reading "unChristian," and enjoying (I use that word loosely) a sermon series on the 7 churches of Revelation at our church.

Both of these Christ-related things piled atop the bitterness I feel more often than not at life as of late have been a slow but painful smack in the face that I am not in fact as Christ-like as I thought. Boy, do I have a lot of growing to do. Ever feel like you're going backwards in your faith? I feel in a lot of ways like a Christian zombie, acting lifelike but in an eerie way that everyone knows is not real living. (Wow. This is depressing. Ha, sorry.) I'm realizing how months after asking for contentedness I have not only stopped asking, but have stopped wanting it. I feel content with feeling sorry for myself. How pathetic is that? I'll tell you how pathetic that is. Pathetic enough to make me a jerk to people I love for no reason, to not enjoy the things that should bring me joy, and to forget altogether what it means to have a relationship with the Lord.

I don't know why I'm putting this out to the masses on the internet. Probably not a great idea on my part, but you all know me--I have to talk things through to figure out what I'm feeling. And frankly, these feelings are easier to write about than say out loud. Because I know that as a wealthy American I have no right to be so dejected, and yet I feel as though I can't help it. Why is that?

I want to see you all very badly. I can't wait for Thanksgiving, where (pray for me on this) I will try to just forget about the other woes of life and just ENJOY for once! What a concept. ;) It was wonderful to have Kate here for a few days, although it was altogether too short. Great to just have at least one night of long conversation though. Thanks for that, friend. :) Hannah and Heathie, I trust you had a fun stay together. I sure hope so.

Also, we need to plan our second annual (or I suppose it could be 3rd or 4th depending on what previous dates you count) Beady Beaday. We are so overdue. (Ok, we're not, but it feels like it.)

Anyway, thanks for letting me use this blog to think. I'm in a weird, not so great funk lately, and could use prayers if you think of it. I miss enjoying life, as I only seem to really do when I'm close to the Lord.

Now I want to leave you ladies with some song lyrics I'm writing. They're not hopeful yet, but I want to make them a little hopeful... Any suggestions? :)

Once I was a child

I could laugh

I could smile

I'd lay my head to sleep

I could dream happily

Maybe it never should've grown harder

But I've grown old

Once I did believe

I had faith

I had peace

______ (I don't remember this line, haha)

I could speak to God freely

Baby, I never should've grown harder

But I've grown cold

And I'm told

that my own

is your average American story

You grow old

You grow cold

You forget the things that used to be your glory

My current hopeful lyric idea is finishing the bridge with something like "Yet I have this memory/of somebody saying/Just maybe I'm worthy.../Could I be?" Something along that vein. Love you all.

Elisa