Daydream Believer

I was sitting here, thinking about how to spend my time, and I thought, you know, I should blog. So I got online to do so and realized there were three blogs waiting for me to read! Yikes! I have been super horrible about checking this. Sorry ladies...

That premise of near absent mindedness probably fits with my current state. I have been doing a lot of day dreaming lately, which is frankly pretty odd, because I have never ever been a day dreamer. In fact, I hardly understood what it was until recently since I've always thought of day dreaming to be a Luna Lovegood-type pastime reserved for horny boys and crazies. Now I know the true heart of day dreamers is rooted not in lust or insanity, but in dissatisfaction.

I have no right to be dissatisfied. Things are better than ever with my hubby (they've always been great, but have been particularly wonderful as of late), I was just able to spend some good quality time with my family and Matt's, my sixth grade girls are all excited about doing a Bible study this summer, summer food and activities are on the horizon, and we're going to Norway in less than 2.5 weeks. But as Hannah's blog reminded us, Satan does not quit when things seem fine. And lately, he's been attacking me by planting bitter thoughts in my head. And I have happily succumbed.

I feel like I've told you all of this already, but it may be because I just journaled it all, intending to post it, and never did. So pardon the rather less eloquent version of my thoughts. Over the past 6 months (to stick with Kite's theme), I have felt a lot of things, but contentedness has not at any point been one of them. I tried to fake it a few times, but that never lasted longer than a conversation's length before disappearing. The truth is, full-time work is more draining than I thought. Or this type of full-time work anyway. And over the past several months as I've been working full-time I've begun to recognize that I will never be satisfied in a position without people. Now various things have stemmed from this realization:

1. It's caused me to notice how stifled my creativity has been. I write all day, so by the time I get home, I want nothing to do with writing music or journaling--two of my favorite pastimes. I haven't written a song in about 4 or 5 months.
2. I've begun, as I said, to day dream. To day dream about being in a big backyard smelling flowers in the summer, because I have the summer off to have fun and explore with my husband and a dog, because I work at a school as a school counselor, and people who work at schools get summer off. In my day dreams, I'm happy, blissful, content, and perfectly in tune with God.
3. I've become a whiner again, much as I was as a child, when my mother so lovingly nicknamed me "Whine-ona."
4. I desperately want a different position. And I hate being so "desperate" when there are things that I like about my work. What's driving me nuts, though, is that I know that even if I were to get a new job today, there'd still be things to complain about.
5. I want to go back to school. And soon. Throughout college, I never dreamed I'd go back to get a Masters, but now I can't stop thinking about counseling. Even if counseling didn't work out, what an asset that learning would be to my song writing, right? (Don't worry, I do intend to use the multi-thousand dollar degree!) I'm taking the GRE in September. I'd really love to start school once Matt gets a full time job--hopefully September 2012. If we are still in the area and I still work for MNN, I could get free schooling, but we'll see about that...
6. The real world is complicated.

I know that dissatisfaction is not all bad. I think it was good that Heather, for example, was dissatisfied enough to search for a new position, and could transition into something I'm sure she'll love much more! (Yay Heathie!) But the truth is, there's really no other option for me at this point in time. We really just need to wait it out till Matt's graduation in December before we make any changes. And frankly, this is part of the sacrifice I make for having the opportunity to be married young--and that I would never, ever give up.

All this to say, now, I know I need to find that content spirit that Paul talks about in Philippians. I know that because I can't change my circumstances, I need to count my blessings, and be grateful for where God has placed me, because He has indeed placed me here. But of course, all of that is easier said then done, and really, I could use your prayers. I've been trying to make a habit of getting up and prayer walking in the morning, hoping to grow closer to the Lord, but also to sort of center myself on what's important. But so far my spirit has still just been cranky that it's early and that in a matter of time I'll have to go into work. Yikes. I really need a spiritual makeover. Maybe Norway will be of some help. Anyway, if you could just pray that I'll be content, and not bitter, and continuously reminded of the blessings in my life, which I know are many, but selfishly don't like to acknowledge. Self-pity is so easy, isn't it?

Ok, this has been all too long. I love you girls so much. I owe everyone phone calls. Thanks for listening to me rant. You always do. :)

e.l.i.s.a

P.S. I feel like our blog background is a little bleary for summer. Thoughts?