Daydream Believer

I was sitting here, thinking about how to spend my time, and I thought, you know, I should blog. So I got online to do so and realized there were three blogs waiting for me to read! Yikes! I have been super horrible about checking this. Sorry ladies...

That premise of near absent mindedness probably fits with my current state. I have been doing a lot of day dreaming lately, which is frankly pretty odd, because I have never ever been a day dreamer. In fact, I hardly understood what it was until recently since I've always thought of day dreaming to be a Luna Lovegood-type pastime reserved for horny boys and crazies. Now I know the true heart of day dreamers is rooted not in lust or insanity, but in dissatisfaction.

I have no right to be dissatisfied. Things are better than ever with my hubby (they've always been great, but have been particularly wonderful as of late), I was just able to spend some good quality time with my family and Matt's, my sixth grade girls are all excited about doing a Bible study this summer, summer food and activities are on the horizon, and we're going to Norway in less than 2.5 weeks. But as Hannah's blog reminded us, Satan does not quit when things seem fine. And lately, he's been attacking me by planting bitter thoughts in my head. And I have happily succumbed.

I feel like I've told you all of this already, but it may be because I just journaled it all, intending to post it, and never did. So pardon the rather less eloquent version of my thoughts. Over the past 6 months (to stick with Kite's theme), I have felt a lot of things, but contentedness has not at any point been one of them. I tried to fake it a few times, but that never lasted longer than a conversation's length before disappearing. The truth is, full-time work is more draining than I thought. Or this type of full-time work anyway. And over the past several months as I've been working full-time I've begun to recognize that I will never be satisfied in a position without people. Now various things have stemmed from this realization:

1. It's caused me to notice how stifled my creativity has been. I write all day, so by the time I get home, I want nothing to do with writing music or journaling--two of my favorite pastimes. I haven't written a song in about 4 or 5 months.
2. I've begun, as I said, to day dream. To day dream about being in a big backyard smelling flowers in the summer, because I have the summer off to have fun and explore with my husband and a dog, because I work at a school as a school counselor, and people who work at schools get summer off. In my day dreams, I'm happy, blissful, content, and perfectly in tune with God.
3. I've become a whiner again, much as I was as a child, when my mother so lovingly nicknamed me "Whine-ona."
4. I desperately want a different position. And I hate being so "desperate" when there are things that I like about my work. What's driving me nuts, though, is that I know that even if I were to get a new job today, there'd still be things to complain about.
5. I want to go back to school. And soon. Throughout college, I never dreamed I'd go back to get a Masters, but now I can't stop thinking about counseling. Even if counseling didn't work out, what an asset that learning would be to my song writing, right? (Don't worry, I do intend to use the multi-thousand dollar degree!) I'm taking the GRE in September. I'd really love to start school once Matt gets a full time job--hopefully September 2012. If we are still in the area and I still work for MNN, I could get free schooling, but we'll see about that...
6. The real world is complicated.

I know that dissatisfaction is not all bad. I think it was good that Heather, for example, was dissatisfied enough to search for a new position, and could transition into something I'm sure she'll love much more! (Yay Heathie!) But the truth is, there's really no other option for me at this point in time. We really just need to wait it out till Matt's graduation in December before we make any changes. And frankly, this is part of the sacrifice I make for having the opportunity to be married young--and that I would never, ever give up.

All this to say, now, I know I need to find that content spirit that Paul talks about in Philippians. I know that because I can't change my circumstances, I need to count my blessings, and be grateful for where God has placed me, because He has indeed placed me here. But of course, all of that is easier said then done, and really, I could use your prayers. I've been trying to make a habit of getting up and prayer walking in the morning, hoping to grow closer to the Lord, but also to sort of center myself on what's important. But so far my spirit has still just been cranky that it's early and that in a matter of time I'll have to go into work. Yikes. I really need a spiritual makeover. Maybe Norway will be of some help. Anyway, if you could just pray that I'll be content, and not bitter, and continuously reminded of the blessings in my life, which I know are many, but selfishly don't like to acknowledge. Self-pity is so easy, isn't it?

Ok, this has been all too long. I love you girls so much. I owe everyone phone calls. Thanks for listening to me rant. You always do. :)

e.l.i.s.a

P.S. I feel like our blog background is a little bleary for summer. Thoughts?

New and Old

Wow...well, it's been quite a bit of time since I've written on this thang. I feel really guilty on one hand, but on the other I don't care because I really had nothing of profound importance to say. I just want to start off by saying how much I love you three. You have been such a solid place for me to go to for comfort and help this past year, and I don't know what I would have done without you all. I know how much you all love and care about me, and it's a blessing I'll never understand why I deserve. I miss you all terribly and wish we could somehow live closer to one another. Just like old times.

Well this year has been...well...as a wise friend once told me "a bitch". ; ) And I completely concur. I feel so much better now in every way, that's for sure. It's clear to ME how much so at least. And I'm sure the three of you would agree. Even though I'm in this new place right now, which is a complete blessing and answer to multiple peoples prayers...I still feel very fragile. It's actually amazing to me how such a new state of mind and heart could feels so scary and unnerving. It's because of this that I would like to ask you for continued prayer sisters. I just feel very strange not living in that dark place anymore, that at times I am emotionally overwhelmed. It seems like the change happened so fast, and though this is awesome, it may have been a shock to my soul. I had grown very accustomed to where I was. That selfish place, that I couldn't seem to even see past by any stretch of the imagination. I want to really stay honest with you three about where I am, because frankly...I just have to. Satan attacks my heart every day. Sometimes with new things, but majority of the time with the old and all too familiar. Though I am at such a good place now, I think that's what truly makes me so vulnerable to lies that he's constantly awaking me and rocking me to sleep with. It's not very fun. So please just pray that God will free me from this bondage and that he will strengthen my heart and not let it be hardened (which I'm afraid has already partially happened). Thanks sisters.

I have been lucky enough to do a lot of really fun and productive-like things lately. This past weekend I was in Washington D.C. with Janet Maltbie and Amanda Meeker. It was such a great time, and opportunity. I was a bit hesitant going into it, not only because it was a huge sacrifice of time (of my online classes) but I was very intimidated and lacking in confidence. The first day I got to the workshop though I knew I would have a great time. It is in the Art and Media House downtown and was this very artsy..eclectic-looking house with an art gallery on the first floor and a mac lab upstairs. It was awesome. So that's where I spent most of my time was learning about the art of digital story telling, putting together MY story/script to be used for my video, and then spending A LOTT of time learning the software Final Cut Express and editing my final piece. It was veryyy intense but well worth it. I came out of the weekend with my first ever digital short! : ) I have to say that I'm not like..SUPERR proud of it, because I'm a perfectionist and I just see all the mess ups (seeing as how i did it in like..4 hours) haha. But I did show it to my tuesday night dinner group of gals last night, who it were my intended audience, and they all loved it. Watched it twice in a row! : ) So I would love for you three to see it sometime soon.

I have been also doing my online classes, I'm taking 18 credit hours online...sooo yea. It's a bit like being on house arrest and most of the time I'm just jumping out of my skin! Give me the sunshine! : ) It's been really intense, especially given that 3 of the 5 end July 1st. They are only 6 weeks, so they are very condensed and rather fast paced. Prime motivation...I am done with school FOREVERR after August 12th. ; ) That feels good to say. / Scary...not too sure what my life will look like after that. Though as Janet said this weekend, "Hannah, can I say something? Is it ok?...I just don't think you belong in Avon Lake. I think you need to be somewhere else. Avon Lake is not for you." Janet, I couldn'ttt agree with you more. haha She also wants me to be an undercover FBI agent and will be setting up connections for me on sunday. lol! Yesss pleassse. I can see it.

Alright girls, well...I HOPE you're proud of me for finally posting!! haha jk. It was about time. Love and miss you all dearly. Sister, I need to skype with you / see what we can do about gettin me to MI. : ) Twin, I would LOVE to come see YOU this summer! Maybe once most of my classes have settled down in July? We should skype again soon. Katesters, I should see you sometime soon. : )

xoxo HG