i must be dreaming

Matt and I have been watching a lot of Alias lately, so I keep dreaming about fleeing from bad guys, running with a gun, living on adrenaline, that sort of thing. So I had this dream last night. Usually I'm in the CIA in these dreams, but not last night. This time, it was a battle against Christians, but I don't think I knew that at first. Matt, someone I can't remember and I were hiding out in this safe house, but we were found. A guy with a gun (actually a Cornerstone student who had turned to the evil but supposedly more powerful side) came up to the house and starting shooting. We hid in a locked room and climbed out the window where others were waiting to take us safely away. We had to sit in the trunks of cars so no one would see us. But somehow this wasn't sneaky enough either. We were captured and taken to an experiment room. They super glued are mouths shut and I knew I was going to die. This is where it gets freaky.

I have never really felt I was about to die before. Not in a dream or in real life. But this seemed absurdly real. The thing is, what I was feeling was not peace because I knew where I was going, or confidence in my faith, it was terror. I started frantically praying for everyone I knew, suddenly aware that this was my last chance to pray for them. Hannah, actually you were the one I specifically kept praying hard for. And in between prayers I was frightened out of my mind. All I could think was, "what if I'm wrong? What if none of my beliefs are true? Jesus, forgive me. I'm terrified."

That's when I woke up. Right as I begun to slip away because my captors had drugged me to death, my eyes opened and I thought, "thank you God that was just a dream." But that dream has gotten me thinking. About several things. First, am I really confident in my faith? Do I really believe that if I die for Christ it will be worth the dying? Do I really believe that when I die, from any cause, I'll be with the Lord in heaven, and no where else? These are difficult questions to be confronted with. I've been assuring myself that yes, I have experienced Christ, trusted him, and so yes, I will be with him always. But there is still a trickle of doubt running through my mind, a taste of fear.

Besides my own ultimate demise, this dream has me thinking about the countless martyrs who have died over the years. You know, when I write a story on a pastor killed in India by Hindu extremists when he refuses to convert or a Christian woman in Iran who dared commit apostasy against Islam to follow Christ, I think "wow. They are brave people. They must have died with the utmost confidence." But since 'experiencing' this dream, I've been thinking, maybe they weren't confident. Maybe they were terrified. Maybe their last thoughts were desperate pleas to the Lord, maybe even doubts. What if they're only human, too?

Maybe none of this is that important. Maybe I just need to pray more, learn more, read more, grow more. Or maybe it's ok to be afraid, to not look forward to any sort of death, be it for Christ or for the curses of nature. But ultimately, I need to evaluate this: in whom do I put my trust? In me, in 'my own' ability to stay alive; or Christ, in his ability to keep me alive, more than ever in death? Just a reminder that we are mortal. That we cannot save ourselves. That God's grace is outstandingly, incredibly more than enough. And deserve it or not, I have it. Praise God.

e.l.i.s.a