i must be dreaming

Matt and I have been watching a lot of Alias lately, so I keep dreaming about fleeing from bad guys, running with a gun, living on adrenaline, that sort of thing. So I had this dream last night. Usually I'm in the CIA in these dreams, but not last night. This time, it was a battle against Christians, but I don't think I knew that at first. Matt, someone I can't remember and I were hiding out in this safe house, but we were found. A guy with a gun (actually a Cornerstone student who had turned to the evil but supposedly more powerful side) came up to the house and starting shooting. We hid in a locked room and climbed out the window where others were waiting to take us safely away. We had to sit in the trunks of cars so no one would see us. But somehow this wasn't sneaky enough either. We were captured and taken to an experiment room. They super glued are mouths shut and I knew I was going to die. This is where it gets freaky.

I have never really felt I was about to die before. Not in a dream or in real life. But this seemed absurdly real. The thing is, what I was feeling was not peace because I knew where I was going, or confidence in my faith, it was terror. I started frantically praying for everyone I knew, suddenly aware that this was my last chance to pray for them. Hannah, actually you were the one I specifically kept praying hard for. And in between prayers I was frightened out of my mind. All I could think was, "what if I'm wrong? What if none of my beliefs are true? Jesus, forgive me. I'm terrified."

That's when I woke up. Right as I begun to slip away because my captors had drugged me to death, my eyes opened and I thought, "thank you God that was just a dream." But that dream has gotten me thinking. About several things. First, am I really confident in my faith? Do I really believe that if I die for Christ it will be worth the dying? Do I really believe that when I die, from any cause, I'll be with the Lord in heaven, and no where else? These are difficult questions to be confronted with. I've been assuring myself that yes, I have experienced Christ, trusted him, and so yes, I will be with him always. But there is still a trickle of doubt running through my mind, a taste of fear.

Besides my own ultimate demise, this dream has me thinking about the countless martyrs who have died over the years. You know, when I write a story on a pastor killed in India by Hindu extremists when he refuses to convert or a Christian woman in Iran who dared commit apostasy against Islam to follow Christ, I think "wow. They are brave people. They must have died with the utmost confidence." But since 'experiencing' this dream, I've been thinking, maybe they weren't confident. Maybe they were terrified. Maybe their last thoughts were desperate pleas to the Lord, maybe even doubts. What if they're only human, too?

Maybe none of this is that important. Maybe I just need to pray more, learn more, read more, grow more. Or maybe it's ok to be afraid, to not look forward to any sort of death, be it for Christ or for the curses of nature. But ultimately, I need to evaluate this: in whom do I put my trust? In me, in 'my own' ability to stay alive; or Christ, in his ability to keep me alive, more than ever in death? Just a reminder that we are mortal. That we cannot save ourselves. That God's grace is outstandingly, incredibly more than enough. And deserve it or not, I have it. Praise God.

e.l.i.s.a

must.

So, we might be half-way through summer, but I couldn't resist doing one of these summer must lists.

must have

sandals
lemon cello
bright colors
floppy straw hat
mitchell's ice cream
sweet corn on the cob
tomato mozzarella salad

must do

float
stargaze
write letters
love like Jesus
read a stack of books
shop farmer's markets
photograph new places

must feel

dewy
joyful
peaceful
nostalgic
overcome
vulnerable
incandescent


What's keeping you going this summer?

Summer 2010 and the things that go with it

Hello ladies! What do you think of the blog redesign? Ok, I know it could be better, but ribbon is the closest I could find to beads...still in the craft family, right? Anyway, feel free to mess around with it; I've just been having fun exploring the new options from the backgrounds to the gadget links to the "advanced" settings! (Aaand infomercial on blogger's new "design" button done.) Also, should we be changing the NAME of this blog??? We might need to add a stutter! (Hannah and Kate know what I'm talking about, we might have to fill you in, Heathie...)

So business aside, Matt and I had an awesome weekend with Hannah and Emily! I wish you all could have been there, but alas...we'll definitely need to plan a winter Indian Lake trip! Indian Lake is love! Anyway, it was really refreshing to be with people that we knew and to feel like we had friends again. It's been pretty lonely for me here in G.R., and I suspect for Matt as well. He's a little better about being by himself than I am, though. I just miss being able to call one of you up in the summer and go get coffee. Married life is still a blast, but changes are still hard.

On another note, I have a total case of summer daze. I've discovered that working at MNN in the summer is not for me. It's not that work has been bad, it's just that I have major cabin fever. Since about 8 months of the year are winter in Michigan, it's not bad working during the school year. But during the summer, I'm having a tough time with responsibility. Exhibit B of this analysis is the fact that Matt and I wrote about 18 thank you notes three weeks ago and have since completed....zero. It really hasn't helped that we've had no real electricity and thus no AC for the last 65 or so hours. You might think we'd have more time to get stuff done that way, but I think it's made us lazier. Who wants to move in 90 degree heat?

So basically I've discovered that a lot of things don't change when you're married. You don't all of a sudden feel this draw to and love for responsibility. Summer still puts your brain in a haze. You still miss your friends like crazy when you don't get to see them. And ultimately, your spiritual life doesn't magically sky rocket. Honestly, I've been slacking in the Jesus department quite a bit lately. I think I thought that I'd be doing wonderfully spiritually once Matt and I got married since I wouldn't have any gnawing temptations anymore. This, of course, was an incorrect assumption. Christ still needs my undivided attention and still needs me to put work into our relationship. Amid this season of laziness though, it's been difficult. Pray that I'd stay motivated if you think of it. I miss feeling closeness to the only one who can truly provide it.

There's my life in a nutshell for now. Can't wait to see you all for Heathie's shower and definitely can't wait for her wedding in September!! Oh, and just as an FYI so no one gets the wrong impression, I am incredibly happy right now, just feeling contemplative. :) I love you all immensely!

e.l.i.s.a