I would love to say, "Here's what I've learned: ..." but just because I've noticed something hardly means I've learned it. (If that were the case, I would never be surprised by God's faithfulness.) What I've noticed though is how God is always faithful, even when I'm not. What I've noticed is how God's interested and involved in every aspect of my life, as well as the lives of those I love, even when I forget to/am too lazy to pray. What I've noticed is that God is not the slightest bit dependent on me, and that I am more dependent on Him than even I understand.
Last week, I was offered a job. It was a job for a legal services company in which I would be sorting mail, answering phone calls, possibly doing some marketing. It would've used a few of my skills--like writing, and cordiality--and I think would've stretched me to befriend those around me. Nevertheless, I turned it down.
I promised Kate a blog about this decision, so I'll try to be thorough. I'm admittedly in a bit of a thoughtful mood right now, however, and may end up reflecting more than explaining. Call with questions. ;)
Here are the nuts and bolts: my current employer is now able to give me a raise, and, as far as I know, increased hours. I will likely go "real" full-time (benefits, retirement, salary etc.) at the beginning of the summer, but there's no guarantee there. Matt and I are just trusting the Lord will provide.
There's more to it than that, though. I mean, the other job paid more, but we'd have to buy a new car, thus about sucking up any extra income I'd have. I know this job better and like it more now that I'm graduated, etc. But the really interesting thing is how I felt, for the first time in a long time, that God led this decision. See, the sister of an old high school friend was unexpectedly killed last week. The day after that I had a tough/revealing conversation with a friend. Before I could make a decision about a job, I had to decide whether I'd go to Cleveland for the funeral or stick with my commitment to go on our only middle school youth retreat of the year with my sixth grade beauties. I decided on Thursday to go on the retreat, still unsure of whether I was making the right decision. On Friday, I got the job offer, had a few hours to think about it, then left for 'Snow Camp.' I had to let the company know my plans by Monday. So, already stressed by the week's news, on Friday I prayed that God would speak to me at this retreat, forgetting that I am no longer the priority on retreats, that now it is more important that God speak to those 120 junior high kids. Not to worry though, God put me in my place.
The weekend was non-stop. I literally had no break at all to think about this job decision, no less pray for the funeral that I longed to attend to comfort old friends. On Sunday, our bus broke down on the way back, and we were stuck entertaining middle schoolers for 3 hours longer than anticipated. (Matt and I created a trivia game for all the kids on our bus. And can I just say we're good together? :) ) When we got back, Matt and I talked briefly about the job and then I started feeling miserable, got a fever, and went to bed.
All this to say, on Friday, I thought I had a life changing decision in my hands. Perhaps I did. But I forgot that I truly am not the one making the decision. I forgot that the Lord is perfectly capable of "figuring things out" for me, especially considering he planned it all. I forgot (until about Saturday) how important it was that I serve five 11-year-old girls, and impart wisdom on them that I learned from living the things I hope they'll avoid. I really did have a great weekend. And the good news is, even without time for my worrying, somehow God still managed to pull through. Imagine that.
In some ways, I know just what to expect for the next year or so, and in others, I have absolutely no idea. No one can predict when a life will end, when a job will pick up or die, when a friend will call for help or to accuse or to question. And I think, for once, I'm in a place where I'm okay with that uncertainty. Even a little excited. Because 'we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.' Now, to fall further in love. And what a difficult, and worthy journey that will be.
