Wow. I Hate Roller Coasters Even More Now.

Alright beady sisters,

My apologies that I have nottt been at all apart of holding this awesome blog together. I just don't even know where the time went, and (as the three of you know) have had a hard time blogging since I've had nothing profound to say. This summer seems like it was just one more trippy dream to add to my memory. My emotions have been a complete roller coaster these past three months exactly, and now that summer is over I feel that a final summer closure blog is in order. I miss you all three very much, and yes it was difficult not having all THREE of you here at once to comfort me...but I still feel close to you all nonetheless and have felt your love and comfort (even for afar).

I am sooo ready for fall semester. I am excited for my new classes that will push me further into my study of interest, to see and interact with school friends, to be in the city everyday again (hopefully working there as well), to have a routine, and honestly...to be distracted. It's been such an...interesting summer for lack of a better word. I caught myself thinking on several occasions these past few months.."wow..maybe I'm just not meantt to be here in the States during the summer. This is just weird. Maybe I should just not even livvve here!" As dramatic as that was, it's got me rethinking a lot. This summer was not my besstt summer with God. It will definitely not go down in the books as myyy best summer in my life I think (on a good life-choice level). The past two summers have held soo many good revelations about my life, and involved direction...and I feel like this summer just threw me into a frickin labyrinth of confusion. I am ready to move ahead of it though. With this new chilled air comes new opportunity for change, for ME to change. I am just now realizing that this blog is very jumbled. Oh well.

So girls, I miss you all very dearly (thought kate isss very close haha), and can't wait for us all to be reunited once again at Twin and Tobes wedding. Yaaayyyy double thumbs up. You are all in my heart and prayers. Love you!

Vacation

Thoughts from my vacation:

It's rainy and cold today, which is why I am blogging on vacation.
This is the first time that I have felt cold all summer.
It seems like the leaves turn colors earlier in the Upper Peninsula, which is making me long for autumn.
Where we are, there aren't many paved roads. They are made of sand. Red sand.
In case you were wondering, biking on sand is a great work out.
Small towns are proud of funny things, like murders that happened 50 years ago, and movies that were once filmed in the local bar.
In small towns, the mayor can (and does) drink shots with the best of 'em.
I have met more Presbyterians in the past 3 days than I ever remember meeting. They are nice folks.
Cottage cheese in pancakes is surprisingly delicious.
I like getting massages.
When you turn 21, sometimes random people you don't know try to convince you to drink alcohol.
Bed & Breakfasts are funny places where almost no one is under the age of 50.
People over 50 don't like climbing ladders into the tops of lighthouses, which means that I get the lighthouse balcony to myself most of the time. Of course that means I have to make friends with lots of spiders.
I stink at blacksmith puzzles.
When I sat down to start reading Jane Eyre, I discovered that the copy that I recently bought at Half Price Books for $1.25 is missing the first 10 pages. I think I went through all of the Kübler-Ross stages of grief over the course of the 10 minutes following this discovery.
Dill Pickle Pringles are SO good. Trust me.
Weather on a lake can change really quickly. Oh wait, I've always known that.
After a busy crazy summer, this vacation is exactly what I needed.

Moving on...

Well, I left Laura's Home today. I'm sorry I didn't post more about it here. It's overwhelming to try to soak in everything that's happening, let alone put it in some sort of form that's accessible to readers. Spend some time with me, and I guarantee that the stories will come out. But trying to put them all here would be crazy.
Looking back on the experience (talk to me in a week and I'll probably have a different perspective), I'd say that the coolest thing was how little my plans mattered. I tried not to go there with any preconceived notions about what it would be like, but I had them anyway. And I couldn't even articulate to you what they were or how they were shattered. I really think you can only understand it if you do it.
Leaving was pretty emotional. Several ladies slipped my their phone numbers on my way out, and I sort of wonder, if I were to call them, what would we talk about? A couple of the kids cried, but most of them were too young to really understand what my leaving meant. One woman, Tara, welled up for the past week every time I said anything about leaving. Tara has a 3 year old boy (one of the cutest kids ever!) and when she came, she would hardly look me in the eyes. Over 10 weeks, she has turned into such a softy. Seeing her cry this morning as I gave her a hug and told her I'd be praying for her and Jalynn made me want to weep, because I can't believe how far she's come, and because I'm seriously going to miss her.
I was certain that by the end of 10 weeks, I'd be burned out. After the first few weeks, I couldn't get over how tired I was all the time. I was exhausted from giving so much of myself so much of the time. But I adjusted. Giving became less of an effort. I worked hard, and God sustained me. And I feel like I could go longer. The 10 weeks went so fast. I could go 10 more.
It's bizarre to think that now I'm returning to my world that is held together by a false, yet deceptive sense of stability. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful that I never have to worry about having a roof over my head, or clothes to wear, or insert luxury here. But there's something so humbling about living among people who have no such assurance.
In fact, the whole summer was humbling. In every possible way. It's not about what I think should be said, or what rules I think are good, or what I want to do, or what I think is fair, or what I know. It's about God and how He has planned everything to be. And in coming or going, I can rest in that.
It's been a sweet summer. I can't wait to tell you about it.

Beady Pics

Well I just got off the phone with Hannah and I'm feeling a bit beady-homesick right now. I know it's been ages since I blogged, and sadly, I do not have the energy to write one at this moment, but I do feel like posting some pictures for everyone's viewing pleasure.

I love you all.

Heather Grace

i must be dreaming

Matt and I have been watching a lot of Alias lately, so I keep dreaming about fleeing from bad guys, running with a gun, living on adrenaline, that sort of thing. So I had this dream last night. Usually I'm in the CIA in these dreams, but not last night. This time, it was a battle against Christians, but I don't think I knew that at first. Matt, someone I can't remember and I were hiding out in this safe house, but we were found. A guy with a gun (actually a Cornerstone student who had turned to the evil but supposedly more powerful side) came up to the house and starting shooting. We hid in a locked room and climbed out the window where others were waiting to take us safely away. We had to sit in the trunks of cars so no one would see us. But somehow this wasn't sneaky enough either. We were captured and taken to an experiment room. They super glued are mouths shut and I knew I was going to die. This is where it gets freaky.

I have never really felt I was about to die before. Not in a dream or in real life. But this seemed absurdly real. The thing is, what I was feeling was not peace because I knew where I was going, or confidence in my faith, it was terror. I started frantically praying for everyone I knew, suddenly aware that this was my last chance to pray for them. Hannah, actually you were the one I specifically kept praying hard for. And in between prayers I was frightened out of my mind. All I could think was, "what if I'm wrong? What if none of my beliefs are true? Jesus, forgive me. I'm terrified."

That's when I woke up. Right as I begun to slip away because my captors had drugged me to death, my eyes opened and I thought, "thank you God that was just a dream." But that dream has gotten me thinking. About several things. First, am I really confident in my faith? Do I really believe that if I die for Christ it will be worth the dying? Do I really believe that when I die, from any cause, I'll be with the Lord in heaven, and no where else? These are difficult questions to be confronted with. I've been assuring myself that yes, I have experienced Christ, trusted him, and so yes, I will be with him always. But there is still a trickle of doubt running through my mind, a taste of fear.

Besides my own ultimate demise, this dream has me thinking about the countless martyrs who have died over the years. You know, when I write a story on a pastor killed in India by Hindu extremists when he refuses to convert or a Christian woman in Iran who dared commit apostasy against Islam to follow Christ, I think "wow. They are brave people. They must have died with the utmost confidence." But since 'experiencing' this dream, I've been thinking, maybe they weren't confident. Maybe they were terrified. Maybe their last thoughts were desperate pleas to the Lord, maybe even doubts. What if they're only human, too?

Maybe none of this is that important. Maybe I just need to pray more, learn more, read more, grow more. Or maybe it's ok to be afraid, to not look forward to any sort of death, be it for Christ or for the curses of nature. But ultimately, I need to evaluate this: in whom do I put my trust? In me, in 'my own' ability to stay alive; or Christ, in his ability to keep me alive, more than ever in death? Just a reminder that we are mortal. That we cannot save ourselves. That God's grace is outstandingly, incredibly more than enough. And deserve it or not, I have it. Praise God.

e.l.i.s.a

must.

So, we might be half-way through summer, but I couldn't resist doing one of these summer must lists.

must have

sandals
lemon cello
bright colors
floppy straw hat
mitchell's ice cream
sweet corn on the cob
tomato mozzarella salad

must do

float
stargaze
write letters
love like Jesus
read a stack of books
shop farmer's markets
photograph new places

must feel

dewy
joyful
peaceful
nostalgic
overcome
vulnerable
incandescent


What's keeping you going this summer?

Summer 2010 and the things that go with it

Hello ladies! What do you think of the blog redesign? Ok, I know it could be better, but ribbon is the closest I could find to beads...still in the craft family, right? Anyway, feel free to mess around with it; I've just been having fun exploring the new options from the backgrounds to the gadget links to the "advanced" settings! (Aaand infomercial on blogger's new "design" button done.) Also, should we be changing the NAME of this blog??? We might need to add a stutter! (Hannah and Kate know what I'm talking about, we might have to fill you in, Heathie...)

So business aside, Matt and I had an awesome weekend with Hannah and Emily! I wish you all could have been there, but alas...we'll definitely need to plan a winter Indian Lake trip! Indian Lake is love! Anyway, it was really refreshing to be with people that we knew and to feel like we had friends again. It's been pretty lonely for me here in G.R., and I suspect for Matt as well. He's a little better about being by himself than I am, though. I just miss being able to call one of you up in the summer and go get coffee. Married life is still a blast, but changes are still hard.

On another note, I have a total case of summer daze. I've discovered that working at MNN in the summer is not for me. It's not that work has been bad, it's just that I have major cabin fever. Since about 8 months of the year are winter in Michigan, it's not bad working during the school year. But during the summer, I'm having a tough time with responsibility. Exhibit B of this analysis is the fact that Matt and I wrote about 18 thank you notes three weeks ago and have since completed....zero. It really hasn't helped that we've had no real electricity and thus no AC for the last 65 or so hours. You might think we'd have more time to get stuff done that way, but I think it's made us lazier. Who wants to move in 90 degree heat?

So basically I've discovered that a lot of things don't change when you're married. You don't all of a sudden feel this draw to and love for responsibility. Summer still puts your brain in a haze. You still miss your friends like crazy when you don't get to see them. And ultimately, your spiritual life doesn't magically sky rocket. Honestly, I've been slacking in the Jesus department quite a bit lately. I think I thought that I'd be doing wonderfully spiritually once Matt and I got married since I wouldn't have any gnawing temptations anymore. This, of course, was an incorrect assumption. Christ still needs my undivided attention and still needs me to put work into our relationship. Amid this season of laziness though, it's been difficult. Pray that I'd stay motivated if you think of it. I miss feeling closeness to the only one who can truly provide it.

There's my life in a nutshell for now. Can't wait to see you all for Heathie's shower and definitely can't wait for her wedding in September!! Oh, and just as an FYI so no one gets the wrong impression, I am incredibly happy right now, just feeling contemplative. :) I love you all immensely!

e.l.i.s.a

Some stories and reflections

While looking through some old journal entries this week, I was realizing how some of the things that I had started praying for months ago have recently been answered in ways I didn’t necessarily expect. I was looking at some journaling I did at Urbana, mostly about my feelings, fears, and expectations about my future in international missions. I don’t think I knew what I was really writing then, because I don’t remember feeling particularly convicted by any of it. But regardless, God has been so faithful in bringing those things to fruition right here at Laura’s home. When I was at Urbana, Laura’s Home was not even really on my radar, and yet, here I am living missionally, and doing ministry incarnationally.
I wrote, “I want to dwell with people of the world who do not know the Lord.” Here I am, quite literally dwelling with people from all different backgrounds. Some know the Lord. Some don’t. One of the coolest things about living here, is that even in the past three weeks, I have seen transformation happen before my eyes. I have seen people coming in the doors for the first time, looking exhausted, and scared out of their minds. I have seen those same people settle in, meet make-shift friends, learn the ropes, and something in their eyes changes. They don’t look scared anymore. I had one woman tell me that here, when she comes back at the end of the day, she feels safe. She feels safe with her little boy. She says she can’t remember the last time she felt really safe.
I’ve seen ups and downs. One woman will be dancing and singing in chapel one day, and the next, she will break down, and tell me that she just needs out of here. She can’t take it. She wants to spend all her money, rent a car, and drive as far as possible. She’s still here, though, taking it day by day. I read her that verse in Lamentations about the Lord’s compassions being new every morning, and she literally wept.
I wrote, “I want to humble myself before others, and realize my own insignificance as I help them see their worth in the eyes of the creator.” It’s funny, humility was one of the things I wrote about the most at Urbana, but I don’t remember giving it much thought at all after I got back. Then, a few weeks before I left for Laura’s Home, I started praying and asking God what I ought to pray for before I came here. The clear and resounding answer: humility. Not boldness, or wisdom, or knowledge, or sweet evangelism skills. Humility.
And this week, the Lord is teaching more about love. I seriously love so many people here. There is this new woman here who must be less than 5 feet tall, with long greying hair, who walks around looking very confused and she shakes a lot. Last night, I saw her and just asked her how she was settling in. She gave a nondescript answer, and I didn’t think much of the encounter. But today, she sought me out, and asked to talk to me. She was very vulnerable with me, and needed help with something, and I was the only person who she felt comfortable asking. I got her what she needed, and she broke down in tears and I bent down and gave her this long hug and she kissed me on the cheek. I was overcome with compassion and love for her, because I realized that never in my life have I had to be completely alone. Satan has tried to convince me that I’m alone, but I never have been. This woman is utterly alone. Or she was. And I just want to show her love in every way possible so that she will know that she isn’t alone anymore.
I have a hundred more stories in my journal and in my head, all of which point to the Lord's amazing provision and compassion, but this blog is getting long. I’ll just say that the Lord is working here. There is nothing stagnant about this place. I’m getting stirred up. And I love it.
With the precious love of Christ,
Kate

Makeover?

Ok girls. Not to sound restless, but...I'm restless. I'm getting gloomy every time I see our blog with that gray and blue. It's very winter. You girls up for changing things around? Blogger's got some new options/maybe Kate could show one of us how to get all those templates she found (since I know you will hardly have time to makeover our blog, Kate). What do you all think? We could be as cool as this:

...yep, that's what pops up when you type in "cool" on google images. Well, that, a picture of a dog wearing pants and a headshot of L.L. Cool J. Whatever happened to him?

So extreme makeover blog edition? What do y'all think?

Chchchch-changes!

Okay, I honestly haven't checked this blog in weeks, so I had no idea that people were actually updating! I was pleasantly surprised to find blogs from all of you since I had last checked. Yay. Now to update you on my life...that is not an easy task. There are so many changes occurring right now that I don't even know where to begin. It seems like my life has not settled into a routine since I graduated college! Just when I thought a pattern may be developing, big changes happened again (neither of which I am complaining about). First, as most readers already know, I got engaged!! I am completely thrilled to be marrying the guy I've had feelings for since the 8th grade (which seems to be a trend around here...watch out Kate and Hannah). :) Gosh it feels good to be getting ready to marry him. But, of course along with that comes the stress of wedding planning. Every one of my friends who got married in the last couple years prepared me for this, and yet I haven't felt quite as overwhelmed as many of them seemed to be - with the exception being every time I look at The Knot website! According to The Knot, I have only completed 37 of my 152 "to do" list. Awesome, thanks for making me feel even more behind. Anyhoo, I am happy to say that despite The Knot's opinion, I feel fairly on top of the wedding planning. Toby and I are working on our registry this week, which is pretty fun, but has made me realize how little I have thought about the design for our future apartment. It would be nice if one of us had a strong opinion about lamps or blenders...

Another big piece of news is: I am switching jobs! Lisey, you don't know that yet, but I was planning on telling you when we finally stop playing phone tag. I know I've only been at my current job for two months, but last week I got called from a place where I interviewed in March that was not hiring at the time of my interview. They called and offered me a job right then and there! It's with a different mental health organization, and the job is a combination of social work and psychology. I will have a caseload consisting of clients with a wide range of needs, and I will work with them individually on issues like: job training, communication, social skills, mental health issues, parenting, finances, etc. This job is a Monday through Friday 9-5 job (as opposed to my ridiculously unpredictable schedule now), it pays more, has better benefits, and the work is a lot more in line with what I want to do. My current job has been fine, I don't hate it, but since I completed training and started the actual job - I realized that it's pretty boring. Aside from Sundays when I am at the residential center, I am only at the worksites "supervising" janitors who already know what they're doing and rarely have any issues. I basically get paid to sit online, play solitaire, and occasionally walk around the building and check in with people. I know, I know - some people would love getting paid to do nothing, but it just isn't my dream job, and this new offer was too good to pass up. I start my new job on June 21!

Well, that's the news update for now. Call me, beadies, if you want to chat more in depth. I miss you like crazy.

Love you all,

Heather Grace