Can I just say...

... I am not a democrat. But I have democratic tendencies. From time to time. And sometimes, that is not a safe thing to tell people. Especially Christian people. And that bugs me.

That is all.

VLOG time!

For some reason I talked really quietly in this video, but hopefully you can still hear me! Let me know if you can't hear me at all.

The rodents in my brain

Well ladies, it's been a while since I've blessed the blogosphere with my wisdom. Maybe that's because I've had little to give. Even now I don't really know what I'm writing about. Story of my current life. Living in a daze, unsure of what I'm doing, stressed to breaking point. But what good can I do complaining here about it? How will that help any of you, or even me, since I will surely walk away not relieved for having vented, but ashamed for having done. I don't want to be a whiner, and frankly it's who I am becoming. So easy it is to pout alone with my computer, lamenting over the fact that I have a lot to do and that life is not going as easily as I would like. How incredibly pathetic, I often write as I journal about worry. The same verse plunges back into me like a knife to my uterus:"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Fitting it should be in Matthew. My own Matthew seems to tell me this sort of thing on a daily basis.

And so instead of complaining about my woes, I want to question anxiety altogether. Why do we invite this stupid hamster running tirelessly on its wheel into our brain? It may pass the time to watch it, but he does little good at all and simply serves as an annoyance, a degradation of our true potential as the metal spokes of his wheel grate away the functioning bits of our minds. If nothing else, the rodent's constant movement stresses us out more (what if he gets hurt? what if he falls off? for pete's sake, why the crunk is he running?), and yet we ask him in, enticing him with a fat cake and a few carrots. Worry is an ignorant guest who poops all over our dreams.

And so I defer to what I have learned. To be honest, I don't know. I seldom know what I've learned about a situation until it's good and dead, over and through. Then, when I can reflect on the chaos, I can pinpoint what God was telling me, if only because I am no longer too distracted to notice his hand nudging me along. Currently, God has been replaced with an obnoxious rodent that may be the pet that every five-year-old wants to have, but is so not worth the extra work. Clearly this animal is destroying my brain considering I can't think of a better mental image than a hamster. My intelligence is going downhill. Stupid animal. It at least somewhat accurately portrays the unworthiness of what is replacing my God--my God who has created the infinite universe and the intricate cell.

Worry. How incredibly pathetic.

.e.l.i.s.a.

CSU Flash Mob

So, Hannah and I got to be in a flash mob today. Jealous? You should be. The video of what we did isn't up yet, and when it is, I will share. But, in the mean time, I found some of my all time favorite flash mob (or something like it) youtube videos, just to distract you from more important things.






Caution: these videos are addicting.

18 months.

That's how long I have told SIM that I will commit to.

18 months. A year and a half. 2012 is when I will be home. That means that I will never be in America during 2011 (Lord willing...). Sorry... just processing. Deep breath.

I've also started to get PRF's, which I think stands for Position Request Form. They are basically like job descriptions. They say things like: "India", "Bangladesh", "Kenya".... and "Transportation: Auto Rickshaw or Bike Rickshaw"... and "girls who have survived abuse, neglect, homelessness, broken homes, and other wounds from poverty"... and "bring $200 if you want to go on a safari". Deep breath.

I also realized today that because I don't have to take any final exams (although I have 4 final papers standing between me and graduation), I will be basically done with school in 2 weeks. Whew. Deep breath.

Dates like May 15th, May 22, June 1-Aug 15th, Sept 8-11, Oct 23-Nov 6 all ring in my brain as some of the potentially most life changing dates of my life (or some other people's lives... wait, is a beady getting MARRIED?) and as they roll around in my head, I can't figure out whether or not they're real, or how quickly they will come. Deep breath.

I'm buying books about support raising, and about coping with stress on the mission field, and realizing that I'm actually doing this. Deep breath.

All I can say is, it's a good thing the Lord knows what He's doing, because I certainly don't.

Deep breath.
deep breath.
deep breath.

Hallelujah

Why hello beadies! I'm terribly sorry for my absence, I really just haven't been in the mood to post my doldrum of a life. lol. I really have been just busy with school lately, as some of you know..dealing with well..other relational problems. haha I have however been getting really excited about this wedding business Elissaaa! : ) My 21st birthday is also coming up here shortly (soo strange, does that make you all feel older?)

Oh man, lately I've been very antsy. Really just about my future, which isn't a new concept to me but...it's so different now. Now that I've really felt God move in me and make clear many things that He wants to see in my life..I really just want to get TO it! lol Like..I really have never felt so strongly about specific goals, but..not even look at them as goals. I really do see them as my future realities. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that these things will take place and be used to further God's kingdom. It totally pumps me up, but again...I just wish I was ready to jump right into it. I know there are somme things I could be doing now, while I'm finishing up my Sociology/(soon to be) Criminology major..but I'm ready to be actually DOING them.

Also, I've been very encouraged at school this year particularly in the form of our Campus Crusade. As Katie and I are well aware...our group started off this year with about 3 or 4, and praise God we now have a consistant 10! As you girls are fully aware, I am constantly getting vibes. Whether these vibes be from people..or places. Right now, I just have suchh an energetic vibe that really just tells me everyday how much God is ready to use Cleveland in a BIG way. Knowing and feeling this, I truly believe that we...students at Cleveland State University..are to be used. Soo..needless to say, I'm VERY excited and passionate about continuing this movement on our campus next year (even thought Katesters will no longer be at CSU) : (. Well girls, I love you all three veryyy much, and praise God for you constantly. God is moving in us four in very powerful ways for His glory and kingdom, there is no denying it. Praise God and Hallelujah.

Loving "Anonanimal" by Andrew Bird (look it up!)

Happy Tuesday, beady clan! Right now I am sitting outside on my new porch in my new home in Minnesota enjoying a beautiful 70-degree afternoon! I have to say that being unemployed in the springtime does have its perks. I know I moan and groan about it most of the time, but the way I am summarizing my life at the moment is this: I am in the midst of one long spring break vacation. Okay, maybe “vacation” is too positive of a word to use, but spring break it is. This interim period from graduating college to starting a job was quite unpleasant from the third week to the eighth week, but I am now going on ten weeks since my last day of classes, and things are looking up. Truthfully, there haven’t been a whole lot of changes in the past two weeks apart from my attitude and the weather. And perhaps one did affect the other (no, I did not turn into Storm from X-men in the past two weeks…ha ha). But, I am trying not to complain any longer. I have heard every “the economy is really bad” excuse in the book from people trying to comfort me about my lack of job offers, but I think the most comforting thing lately has been the sunshine. Maybe I have seasonal depression. Or maybe I just needed a change of pace, scenery, and clothing. Anyway, all of this is to say that I am CONTENT. I’ve had a few interviews with various organizations, and I have two more this week, but I have finally stopped obsessing about getting a job. It’s not that I have stopped putting effort into finding a job, but rather, I am finally able to enjoy this extended spring break and think about other things besides WORKING.

On another note, this break has only recently become a time of spiritual growth for me. In all honesty, this past year, I was pretty distant from God. My relationship with him was almost nonexistent, and the only part I held onto was my basic belief in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. But aside from believing, there was very little evidence of any relationship with Christ in my daily life. I have been struggling with a lot of questions, and it doesn’t help that I have felt no connection to a church, small group, a pastor, or anyone holding me accountable. This is no one’s fault but my own, and I have just had no idea where to go from there. I’m not saying that all of my questions have been answered (in fact, I probably just have more now), but in the past week or so, I have started making God more of a priority. I just thought I would share, so you have a slight idea of what’s been going on in that deep, secret part of me that it’s so hard to reveal. Prayer would be appreciated if you think of it.

Well, that’s it for now. I love all of you sisters so much and I miss you incredibly! I can’t wait to see each of you for Lisey’s wedding in May. Keep in touch.

In His Grace,

Heather

Happy Beady Beady-versary!

So, today is, as you know, our 1 year anniversary. When I think about all that has happened since we started this blog, it seems like way more than a year has gone by. Can I get an amen?

Well, there's a lot going on in my life, most of which I don't feel like trying to explain here. So instead, this post will be more a tribute to the original purpose of the blog: to involve each other in the mundane happenings of our lives.

So, I'm going to share my spring cleaning day adventures. (What does it say about my life that I get this excited about.... cleaning?!) I took the whole day today (except for the 4 hours that I went to class) to spring clean, since it's spring, and since my space was feeling over cluttered and messy.

Things I've found:
10 pence, a couple euros and 1000 lira
old gift cards (some never used!)
piles of business cards (I've got connections, baby!)
tracts. lots and lots of tracts.
clothes/ accessories that I forgot I had that are really cute!


Things I'm getting rid of:
lots and lots of clothes
the binary clock I got for Christmas
holey socks, unmatched socks, ugly socks
my growing collection of origami cranes made from junk mail. the products of my boredom no longer need to consume my desk.
mostly empty bottles of things: nail polish, lotion, perfume, etc.

Things I'm doing:
re-alphabetizing my books. the color code system is aesthetically pleasing, but is not very practical.
dusting: my least favorite chore. but oh, my room needed it.
making places for future garage sale items. I'm cooking up ideas for a ginormous garage sale missions fundraiser... get excited!
finding books to sell on amazon.
giving things a new place in my dresser.


Now, you know that I'm not a super neat person. I never will be. But, I do have to say that my spring cleaning day has been productive and even fun! Also, it feels really good to deep clean once in a while. Next up, spring cleaning for my soul. Right after a massive effort to catch up on a year's worth of homework in one week.

All my beady love,
Kate

No explanations here...

Do any of you have things in your life that don't really seem like that big of a deal, so you ignore them, let them fester, maybe even try to fix them, but never really commit to anything? So, it stays the same. And there's this lingering voice in the back of your head that says that maybe, just maybe, you should deal with that. BUT, there are other things, you know, that seem to take priority. So you wobble on the edge, hoping that Satan will never use that thing to your disadvantage. Well, I'm learning how unwise a position that is to be in.
There's something so very vulnerable about the last 8 weeks of college. I'm there, and I'm stressed, and uncertain. It was easy to trust the Lord when it seemed like there was a general plan, but now, a lot of things have been called into question. And partially because of that lingering problem I mentioned above. Sorry to be cryptic. I think what I'm going through isn't really something I want to share with the blogosphere. And it isn't even something I've shared with all of the beadies. But it is real. And hard. And confusing. And frustrating. And in no way liberating. And yet, I know that in Christ I am free. How do I reconcile that with what is happening? How do I believe that Christ has freed me when I feel so chained down and helpless? And by something so small!
Satan is smart. He could have really used this a year ago. Or five. But he knew It'd get me now. When I'm vulnerable. And, when I've been doing well with the whole trusting the Lord thing. I really was doing well. And then this. For lack of a better phrase: It sucks.
A friend told me this week, "You're right. Explanations will probably be the hardest part. But you don't owe anything to anyone but the Lord."
When will I learn?

This is just to say...

No, this has nothing to do with the plums in the icebox.

This is just to say that I miss you three and am honestly pretty T.O.ed (to borrow a phrase from Kip Dynamite--not to be confused with the once-great film The Other Exit) that you all get to hang out together while I trudge through the blizzards of Grand Rapids, cold, lonely and deprived of beady love.

This is just to say that I am so so happy for Heather Grace to move to Minnesota, but so so sad that we'll never have another summer together. Any of us all together.

This is just to say that I don't know where on earth I'm headed this summer, next year, this lifetime in terms of career. I don't know what's in store for me and most of the time I feel as though I'm not worth having things in store for. (Why do I let Satan tell me that? I schluff off Jeremiah 29:11 as an out of context inspirational quote, as if it is not Truth but merely a motivational poster invented to let people believe what is not real. How off I am.)

This is just to say that I am beginning to understand more of what it will mean to be married. More about how friendships will change, how family dynamics will alter, and mainly how I will be tied to the one person I love the most in the world forever. The last part excites me more than anything else ever has in my lifetime. "Five years is too long..."

This is just to say I'm in favor of a 28 hour day. How I would benefit from having extra time to call you all, to do all of my homework, to spend more time with the Lord, to visit the best place on earth (a.k.a. Frederick Meijer Gardens), to call my mom and dad just to chat, to call my brother and sister (who I am going to see in a matter of days!), to encourage the people around me; to do all of the things I've been putting off doing, not because of a lack of time, but because of a lack of time management and an ill distribution of priorities.

This is just to say I found a dollar today and felt as if the world revolved around my Magellan-worthy find. Why is finding a dollar so much more exciting than finding new people, new friends, even new believers?

This is just to say that people are more intricate and detailed than I can even imagine. That behind every face is a soul, behind every word is a story, behind every behavior is a history.

This is just to say that Shamu is a killer. "Shamu" is no substitute for his real name: "Killer Whale." Shamu got sick of it all and snapped. At least humans are too sophisticated for that...

This is just to say I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, a lot of half-songs, a lot of rambling concerns. This is just to tell you, in case you didn't notice. This is just to make you think. This is just to enter into Elisa's moleskin journal.

This is just to say I'm not usually this emo; let's call it instead poetic.

.e.l.i.s.a.