18 months.

That's how long I have told SIM that I will commit to.

18 months. A year and a half. 2012 is when I will be home. That means that I will never be in America during 2011 (Lord willing...). Sorry... just processing. Deep breath.

I've also started to get PRF's, which I think stands for Position Request Form. They are basically like job descriptions. They say things like: "India", "Bangladesh", "Kenya".... and "Transportation: Auto Rickshaw or Bike Rickshaw"... and "girls who have survived abuse, neglect, homelessness, broken homes, and other wounds from poverty"... and "bring $200 if you want to go on a safari". Deep breath.

I also realized today that because I don't have to take any final exams (although I have 4 final papers standing between me and graduation), I will be basically done with school in 2 weeks. Whew. Deep breath.

Dates like May 15th, May 22, June 1-Aug 15th, Sept 8-11, Oct 23-Nov 6 all ring in my brain as some of the potentially most life changing dates of my life (or some other people's lives... wait, is a beady getting MARRIED?) and as they roll around in my head, I can't figure out whether or not they're real, or how quickly they will come. Deep breath.

I'm buying books about support raising, and about coping with stress on the mission field, and realizing that I'm actually doing this. Deep breath.

All I can say is, it's a good thing the Lord knows what He's doing, because I certainly don't.

Deep breath.
deep breath.
deep breath.

Hallelujah

Why hello beadies! I'm terribly sorry for my absence, I really just haven't been in the mood to post my doldrum of a life. lol. I really have been just busy with school lately, as some of you know..dealing with well..other relational problems. haha I have however been getting really excited about this wedding business Elissaaa! : ) My 21st birthday is also coming up here shortly (soo strange, does that make you all feel older?)

Oh man, lately I've been very antsy. Really just about my future, which isn't a new concept to me but...it's so different now. Now that I've really felt God move in me and make clear many things that He wants to see in my life..I really just want to get TO it! lol Like..I really have never felt so strongly about specific goals, but..not even look at them as goals. I really do see them as my future realities. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that these things will take place and be used to further God's kingdom. It totally pumps me up, but again...I just wish I was ready to jump right into it. I know there are somme things I could be doing now, while I'm finishing up my Sociology/(soon to be) Criminology major..but I'm ready to be actually DOING them.

Also, I've been very encouraged at school this year particularly in the form of our Campus Crusade. As Katie and I are well aware...our group started off this year with about 3 or 4, and praise God we now have a consistant 10! As you girls are fully aware, I am constantly getting vibes. Whether these vibes be from people..or places. Right now, I just have suchh an energetic vibe that really just tells me everyday how much God is ready to use Cleveland in a BIG way. Knowing and feeling this, I truly believe that we...students at Cleveland State University..are to be used. Soo..needless to say, I'm VERY excited and passionate about continuing this movement on our campus next year (even thought Katesters will no longer be at CSU) : (. Well girls, I love you all three veryyy much, and praise God for you constantly. God is moving in us four in very powerful ways for His glory and kingdom, there is no denying it. Praise God and Hallelujah.

Loving "Anonanimal" by Andrew Bird (look it up!)

Happy Tuesday, beady clan! Right now I am sitting outside on my new porch in my new home in Minnesota enjoying a beautiful 70-degree afternoon! I have to say that being unemployed in the springtime does have its perks. I know I moan and groan about it most of the time, but the way I am summarizing my life at the moment is this: I am in the midst of one long spring break vacation. Okay, maybe “vacation” is too positive of a word to use, but spring break it is. This interim period from graduating college to starting a job was quite unpleasant from the third week to the eighth week, but I am now going on ten weeks since my last day of classes, and things are looking up. Truthfully, there haven’t been a whole lot of changes in the past two weeks apart from my attitude and the weather. And perhaps one did affect the other (no, I did not turn into Storm from X-men in the past two weeks…ha ha). But, I am trying not to complain any longer. I have heard every “the economy is really bad” excuse in the book from people trying to comfort me about my lack of job offers, but I think the most comforting thing lately has been the sunshine. Maybe I have seasonal depression. Or maybe I just needed a change of pace, scenery, and clothing. Anyway, all of this is to say that I am CONTENT. I’ve had a few interviews with various organizations, and I have two more this week, but I have finally stopped obsessing about getting a job. It’s not that I have stopped putting effort into finding a job, but rather, I am finally able to enjoy this extended spring break and think about other things besides WORKING.

On another note, this break has only recently become a time of spiritual growth for me. In all honesty, this past year, I was pretty distant from God. My relationship with him was almost nonexistent, and the only part I held onto was my basic belief in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. But aside from believing, there was very little evidence of any relationship with Christ in my daily life. I have been struggling with a lot of questions, and it doesn’t help that I have felt no connection to a church, small group, a pastor, or anyone holding me accountable. This is no one’s fault but my own, and I have just had no idea where to go from there. I’m not saying that all of my questions have been answered (in fact, I probably just have more now), but in the past week or so, I have started making God more of a priority. I just thought I would share, so you have a slight idea of what’s been going on in that deep, secret part of me that it’s so hard to reveal. Prayer would be appreciated if you think of it.

Well, that’s it for now. I love all of you sisters so much and I miss you incredibly! I can’t wait to see each of you for Lisey’s wedding in May. Keep in touch.

In His Grace,

Heather

Happy Beady Beady-versary!

So, today is, as you know, our 1 year anniversary. When I think about all that has happened since we started this blog, it seems like way more than a year has gone by. Can I get an amen?

Well, there's a lot going on in my life, most of which I don't feel like trying to explain here. So instead, this post will be more a tribute to the original purpose of the blog: to involve each other in the mundane happenings of our lives.

So, I'm going to share my spring cleaning day adventures. (What does it say about my life that I get this excited about.... cleaning?!) I took the whole day today (except for the 4 hours that I went to class) to spring clean, since it's spring, and since my space was feeling over cluttered and messy.

Things I've found:
10 pence, a couple euros and 1000 lira
old gift cards (some never used!)
piles of business cards (I've got connections, baby!)
tracts. lots and lots of tracts.
clothes/ accessories that I forgot I had that are really cute!


Things I'm getting rid of:
lots and lots of clothes
the binary clock I got for Christmas
holey socks, unmatched socks, ugly socks
my growing collection of origami cranes made from junk mail. the products of my boredom no longer need to consume my desk.
mostly empty bottles of things: nail polish, lotion, perfume, etc.

Things I'm doing:
re-alphabetizing my books. the color code system is aesthetically pleasing, but is not very practical.
dusting: my least favorite chore. but oh, my room needed it.
making places for future garage sale items. I'm cooking up ideas for a ginormous garage sale missions fundraiser... get excited!
finding books to sell on amazon.
giving things a new place in my dresser.


Now, you know that I'm not a super neat person. I never will be. But, I do have to say that my spring cleaning day has been productive and even fun! Also, it feels really good to deep clean once in a while. Next up, spring cleaning for my soul. Right after a massive effort to catch up on a year's worth of homework in one week.

All my beady love,
Kate

No explanations here...

Do any of you have things in your life that don't really seem like that big of a deal, so you ignore them, let them fester, maybe even try to fix them, but never really commit to anything? So, it stays the same. And there's this lingering voice in the back of your head that says that maybe, just maybe, you should deal with that. BUT, there are other things, you know, that seem to take priority. So you wobble on the edge, hoping that Satan will never use that thing to your disadvantage. Well, I'm learning how unwise a position that is to be in.
There's something so very vulnerable about the last 8 weeks of college. I'm there, and I'm stressed, and uncertain. It was easy to trust the Lord when it seemed like there was a general plan, but now, a lot of things have been called into question. And partially because of that lingering problem I mentioned above. Sorry to be cryptic. I think what I'm going through isn't really something I want to share with the blogosphere. And it isn't even something I've shared with all of the beadies. But it is real. And hard. And confusing. And frustrating. And in no way liberating. And yet, I know that in Christ I am free. How do I reconcile that with what is happening? How do I believe that Christ has freed me when I feel so chained down and helpless? And by something so small!
Satan is smart. He could have really used this a year ago. Or five. But he knew It'd get me now. When I'm vulnerable. And, when I've been doing well with the whole trusting the Lord thing. I really was doing well. And then this. For lack of a better phrase: It sucks.
A friend told me this week, "You're right. Explanations will probably be the hardest part. But you don't owe anything to anyone but the Lord."
When will I learn?

This is just to say...

No, this has nothing to do with the plums in the icebox.

This is just to say that I miss you three and am honestly pretty T.O.ed (to borrow a phrase from Kip Dynamite--not to be confused with the once-great film The Other Exit) that you all get to hang out together while I trudge through the blizzards of Grand Rapids, cold, lonely and deprived of beady love.

This is just to say that I am so so happy for Heather Grace to move to Minnesota, but so so sad that we'll never have another summer together. Any of us all together.

This is just to say that I don't know where on earth I'm headed this summer, next year, this lifetime in terms of career. I don't know what's in store for me and most of the time I feel as though I'm not worth having things in store for. (Why do I let Satan tell me that? I schluff off Jeremiah 29:11 as an out of context inspirational quote, as if it is not Truth but merely a motivational poster invented to let people believe what is not real. How off I am.)

This is just to say that I am beginning to understand more of what it will mean to be married. More about how friendships will change, how family dynamics will alter, and mainly how I will be tied to the one person I love the most in the world forever. The last part excites me more than anything else ever has in my lifetime. "Five years is too long..."

This is just to say I'm in favor of a 28 hour day. How I would benefit from having extra time to call you all, to do all of my homework, to spend more time with the Lord, to visit the best place on earth (a.k.a. Frederick Meijer Gardens), to call my mom and dad just to chat, to call my brother and sister (who I am going to see in a matter of days!), to encourage the people around me; to do all of the things I've been putting off doing, not because of a lack of time, but because of a lack of time management and an ill distribution of priorities.

This is just to say I found a dollar today and felt as if the world revolved around my Magellan-worthy find. Why is finding a dollar so much more exciting than finding new people, new friends, even new believers?

This is just to say that people are more intricate and detailed than I can even imagine. That behind every face is a soul, behind every word is a story, behind every behavior is a history.

This is just to say that Shamu is a killer. "Shamu" is no substitute for his real name: "Killer Whale." Shamu got sick of it all and snapped. At least humans are too sophisticated for that...

This is just to say I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, a lot of half-songs, a lot of rambling concerns. This is just to tell you, in case you didn't notice. This is just to make you think. This is just to enter into Elisa's moleskin journal.

This is just to say I'm not usually this emo; let's call it instead poetic.

.e.l.i.s.a.

Takeoffs and Landings

Hi friends. I decided it was time for me to contribute to this blog after my month-long absence (at least). I haven't been writing much because I've been able to talk with each of you recently, and you all know the updates with my life. Which I am very glad about, by the way! :) But for those of you who are not in the loop (meaning you probably don't really care that much), I will give you my beadybeady update...

First of all, as of January 30th, I am a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! J-term went extremely well, with a class that fit in precisely with my current situation (job search strategies, interview tips, job possibilities with a BA in psychology, etc.), and I got to spend a nice amount of time just hanging out with my college friends. Then, on January 24th, I moved home! I was home for just a week, and then I went to St. Paul, MN for two weeks. In that time, I stayed pretty busy with informational interviews, more networking, a few real interviews, and spending time with Toby. Overall, it was a really productive trip, and I think I was able to make the most of my time there. The most exciting thing that happened was that I got called for an interview for a job that I would really love! The position is as a Research Analyst with the St. Paul Public School System - basically working with different sets of testing data for the kids, evaluating special programs, looking at trends in gender/race/income, and making suggestions for improvement. I know how boring this sounds to most of you, but for me, it would be a really good fit! :) I felt like the interview went well, but I have no idea what the other interviewees are like, so I'm not holding my breath that they offer me a job. But, it was a really great experience to be called for an interview and go through that whole process. (By the way, I should be hearing from them this week if I got it.)

I'm still applying for jobs and also waiting to hear back about a few other opportunities. I met with a temp agency in MN, and there is a possibility that I could be offered a direct hire job with a Market Research firm through that. Oh! Another thing: I had an interview for a job working in a group home with people with developmental disabilities, and they did offer me the job. The thing is that it's definitely not my first choice (I'd really prefer something in research), so I told them that I'm waiting to hear back about a few other possibilities. They were really nice about it, and said that if I ever needed a part-time job I should let them know. I think if nothing else works out, I would be able to contact the HR person for that organization and she would give me a full-time job. So, I guess that's just good to know!

Let me tell you, it's weird to be unemployed. I am no longer a student, but I'm not working either. I don't want to try and work full or part-time here (in Ohio) because I don't want to start making a new life here when I have every intention of moving. It would be nice to make some extra cash, but my goal is to move within the next month, so job searching in Minnesota is my top priority. On a daily basis, though, I have no real purpose in life. I can pretty much do anything I want with my time, which is awesome in a way, but it's also starting to get old. I'm reading a lot, spending lots of time with Hannah and Katie, and hanging out with my parents, but besides that I don't do a whole lot! I'm SO eager to move and be living in MN, and also, it's not very fun to have an extended Christmas break all by yourself. Let me know if you have any ideas of what I should be doing with my free time! :)

I wish you all a wonderful week!

Love,

Heather Grace

The Sun Will Come Out...Tomorroww!

Wow. So for the first time all winter I actually believe that lyric..in a literal sense that is. : ) My life has been a hott mess of realizations over the past week and a half. First of all, I have officially decided to go on "Big Break" during my spring break with Campus Crusade in Panama City, Florida! Woot Woot! I heard about this opportunity a while back, but was never gave it a second thought. I was just like..nahh..not really necessary at this point in my life. PAleasse! After hearing about it again recently, from our campus' staff person Ben, I gained this pure excitement at the idea! After seriously thinking about it I began to see what an amazing adventure it would be, to share the gospel and reach out to college kids from all over as they are partying it up on the beach during theirr spring breaks. Another HUGE factor to me going, is that our little humble group at CSU would soo much prosper if not only I went..but if at least 2 others came along. It would be a magnificent bonding and growing experience for us. These are things that we need to be doing on my campus to strengthen our groups foundation so that it can grow more and more and can flourish at school for years to come! Whew. So that's that. Oh yea..annndd I've never seen the ocean. lol. Yes, I am deprived apparently..all my life I thought it was a normal thing..but guess not. : )

So yes, I have been overwhelmed with joy lately because of that opportunity which is amazing. However, I've been recently bombarded with..opportunities?..ha..of another kind. I am very confused about it, though have very strong and passionate feelings about the situation itself. I think it's safe to say that I will be praying nonstop about it this week and asking for clarity and for paths to be cleared. So sisters, though I'm hesitant to reveal what the crunk I'm talking about at present..could you pleasse be praying that God would reveal answers in big ways and that he would continue to grow me into the woman of God he intended me to be? Thanks a heap. ; )

I really cannot wait to see you again Elisa. I already miss you so much! Heather, I am so glad that I've been able to spend so much time with you recently, it's been sooo refreshing. And Kate, I am so grateful for your strong presence in my life and for the love you show me. : ) Love all three of you dearly. xoxo

In His Truth,

Hannah Grace

Hope that doesn't make sense

I probably speak for all of you when I say that my heart is broken over what has happened and is happening in Haiti. I believe firmly in a God who loves and protects his people, who is merciful and also just, and who is so, so good. My brain can only comprehend the earthquake in Haiti as a horrible tragedy, but I know that if God is good, which he is, he can only work this situation for good.
Since the quake, I have struggled with how to even pray for Haiti. It's a whole country, with people who are being profoundly impacted by what has happened. And yet, I have no way to begin to understand what they are going through. I went to bed last night, far too late, simply because I felt like surfing the internet for a while. And when I feel asleep, I was not wondering if my roof might collapse on me during the night. I did not hear gun shots outside my window and wonder how far off they were. I did not even think that there may be a chance that I may not ever get to see any of my friends or family again. I take my security for granted, to be sure. Am I willing to give it up? At this point, I can honestly say that yes, I will give up my safe home and my comfortable bed to serve the Lord, though I admit that I am in no way prepared for that and have no way to know what it will really be like. I get a pit in my stomach just thinking about it.
If you're like me, and have no idea how to pray for people in a circumstance that is so far from your daily experience, I would encourage you to head on over to Brian and Sarah's blog. I know not all the readers here know Brian and Sarah Bennetch very well. But they have been in Haiti for just over a week, and are posting almost daily. It has given me some perspective, although still limited, and has made my prayers more purposeful. For me, the bottom line is that we have brothers and sisters in Haiti and even though we've never met them, they need our prayers, insufficient as they may be.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

Romans 8:18-27

A little prayer?

Hey girls,

I just wanted to write quickly to request your prayers. I'm usually pretty stubborn on this subject and don't often ask, but I'm breaking down my absurd barrier that says I don't need anyone's help or prayers and asking anyway.

I feel crushed on all sides right now. The combination of things I'm doing right now has just made every day stressful with no break in between. Work is a mess, schoolwork is time consuming, wedding planning is a headache, SCUF/Sherpa work is a whole new position; I'm finding that this semester will prove to be my most trying in every way.

Tonight, Melody reminded me that I needed to just take this all to the Lord. I'll admit, I haven't been. When I do "cast my cares on him," it is only to pick them back up again minutes later. I have not been good about prayer at all in this situation, and now that I've recognized it, I feel as though I actually could use a lot of it.

If you girls could just be praying for my stress level, which makes my emotional peaks dramatic and my decision making dull, I would greatly appreciate it. I feel dumb even listing all these things. They seem so petty and pathetic in the grand scheme of things. Unfortunately, my stress level is seldom obedient to the purport of a "grand scheme." It's one of those easier discussed than lived out sort of things... Anyway, I doubt I have to explain that to all of you as if none of you has been stressed before. I guess I'm just trying to justify my overwhelmedness, to justify a need for prayer.

I sort of feel as though God doesn't care about this, to be honest. Not because He thinks I'm dumb, but because he has more important things to take care of, like Haiti and all the people I write about at MNN. How incorrect and stifling my theology can be. I suppose I just feel like these problems of mine should not be problems, like it's my fault I'm stressed and my fault that each day is so miserable lately. I'll admit, I feel it probably is.

All this to say, I need your help, sisters. I'm sorry if I seem distant this semester. I want more than anything to see each one of you and relax and forget about all of this other garbage (but of course it is not garbage, it's just beginning to smell like it). I miss you girls and am so very grateful to have each of you. Thanks for being the three I can come to. Thanks for your prayers ahead of time. I love you all.

Peace, (right?)

Elisa