No explanations here...

Do any of you have things in your life that don't really seem like that big of a deal, so you ignore them, let them fester, maybe even try to fix them, but never really commit to anything? So, it stays the same. And there's this lingering voice in the back of your head that says that maybe, just maybe, you should deal with that. BUT, there are other things, you know, that seem to take priority. So you wobble on the edge, hoping that Satan will never use that thing to your disadvantage. Well, I'm learning how unwise a position that is to be in.
There's something so very vulnerable about the last 8 weeks of college. I'm there, and I'm stressed, and uncertain. It was easy to trust the Lord when it seemed like there was a general plan, but now, a lot of things have been called into question. And partially because of that lingering problem I mentioned above. Sorry to be cryptic. I think what I'm going through isn't really something I want to share with the blogosphere. And it isn't even something I've shared with all of the beadies. But it is real. And hard. And confusing. And frustrating. And in no way liberating. And yet, I know that in Christ I am free. How do I reconcile that with what is happening? How do I believe that Christ has freed me when I feel so chained down and helpless? And by something so small!
Satan is smart. He could have really used this a year ago. Or five. But he knew It'd get me now. When I'm vulnerable. And, when I've been doing well with the whole trusting the Lord thing. I really was doing well. And then this. For lack of a better phrase: It sucks.
A friend told me this week, "You're right. Explanations will probably be the hardest part. But you don't owe anything to anyone but the Lord."
When will I learn?

This is just to say...

No, this has nothing to do with the plums in the icebox.

This is just to say that I miss you three and am honestly pretty T.O.ed (to borrow a phrase from Kip Dynamite--not to be confused with the once-great film The Other Exit) that you all get to hang out together while I trudge through the blizzards of Grand Rapids, cold, lonely and deprived of beady love.

This is just to say that I am so so happy for Heather Grace to move to Minnesota, but so so sad that we'll never have another summer together. Any of us all together.

This is just to say that I don't know where on earth I'm headed this summer, next year, this lifetime in terms of career. I don't know what's in store for me and most of the time I feel as though I'm not worth having things in store for. (Why do I let Satan tell me that? I schluff off Jeremiah 29:11 as an out of context inspirational quote, as if it is not Truth but merely a motivational poster invented to let people believe what is not real. How off I am.)

This is just to say that I am beginning to understand more of what it will mean to be married. More about how friendships will change, how family dynamics will alter, and mainly how I will be tied to the one person I love the most in the world forever. The last part excites me more than anything else ever has in my lifetime. "Five years is too long..."

This is just to say I'm in favor of a 28 hour day. How I would benefit from having extra time to call you all, to do all of my homework, to spend more time with the Lord, to visit the best place on earth (a.k.a. Frederick Meijer Gardens), to call my mom and dad just to chat, to call my brother and sister (who I am going to see in a matter of days!), to encourage the people around me; to do all of the things I've been putting off doing, not because of a lack of time, but because of a lack of time management and an ill distribution of priorities.

This is just to say I found a dollar today and felt as if the world revolved around my Magellan-worthy find. Why is finding a dollar so much more exciting than finding new people, new friends, even new believers?

This is just to say that people are more intricate and detailed than I can even imagine. That behind every face is a soul, behind every word is a story, behind every behavior is a history.

This is just to say that Shamu is a killer. "Shamu" is no substitute for his real name: "Killer Whale." Shamu got sick of it all and snapped. At least humans are too sophisticated for that...

This is just to say I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, a lot of half-songs, a lot of rambling concerns. This is just to tell you, in case you didn't notice. This is just to make you think. This is just to enter into Elisa's moleskin journal.

This is just to say I'm not usually this emo; let's call it instead poetic.

.e.l.i.s.a.

Takeoffs and Landings

Hi friends. I decided it was time for me to contribute to this blog after my month-long absence (at least). I haven't been writing much because I've been able to talk with each of you recently, and you all know the updates with my life. Which I am very glad about, by the way! :) But for those of you who are not in the loop (meaning you probably don't really care that much), I will give you my beadybeady update...

First of all, as of January 30th, I am a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! J-term went extremely well, with a class that fit in precisely with my current situation (job search strategies, interview tips, job possibilities with a BA in psychology, etc.), and I got to spend a nice amount of time just hanging out with my college friends. Then, on January 24th, I moved home! I was home for just a week, and then I went to St. Paul, MN for two weeks. In that time, I stayed pretty busy with informational interviews, more networking, a few real interviews, and spending time with Toby. Overall, it was a really productive trip, and I think I was able to make the most of my time there. The most exciting thing that happened was that I got called for an interview for a job that I would really love! The position is as a Research Analyst with the St. Paul Public School System - basically working with different sets of testing data for the kids, evaluating special programs, looking at trends in gender/race/income, and making suggestions for improvement. I know how boring this sounds to most of you, but for me, it would be a really good fit! :) I felt like the interview went well, but I have no idea what the other interviewees are like, so I'm not holding my breath that they offer me a job. But, it was a really great experience to be called for an interview and go through that whole process. (By the way, I should be hearing from them this week if I got it.)

I'm still applying for jobs and also waiting to hear back about a few other opportunities. I met with a temp agency in MN, and there is a possibility that I could be offered a direct hire job with a Market Research firm through that. Oh! Another thing: I had an interview for a job working in a group home with people with developmental disabilities, and they did offer me the job. The thing is that it's definitely not my first choice (I'd really prefer something in research), so I told them that I'm waiting to hear back about a few other possibilities. They were really nice about it, and said that if I ever needed a part-time job I should let them know. I think if nothing else works out, I would be able to contact the HR person for that organization and she would give me a full-time job. So, I guess that's just good to know!

Let me tell you, it's weird to be unemployed. I am no longer a student, but I'm not working either. I don't want to try and work full or part-time here (in Ohio) because I don't want to start making a new life here when I have every intention of moving. It would be nice to make some extra cash, but my goal is to move within the next month, so job searching in Minnesota is my top priority. On a daily basis, though, I have no real purpose in life. I can pretty much do anything I want with my time, which is awesome in a way, but it's also starting to get old. I'm reading a lot, spending lots of time with Hannah and Katie, and hanging out with my parents, but besides that I don't do a whole lot! I'm SO eager to move and be living in MN, and also, it's not very fun to have an extended Christmas break all by yourself. Let me know if you have any ideas of what I should be doing with my free time! :)

I wish you all a wonderful week!

Love,

Heather Grace

The Sun Will Come Out...Tomorroww!

Wow. So for the first time all winter I actually believe that lyric..in a literal sense that is. : ) My life has been a hott mess of realizations over the past week and a half. First of all, I have officially decided to go on "Big Break" during my spring break with Campus Crusade in Panama City, Florida! Woot Woot! I heard about this opportunity a while back, but was never gave it a second thought. I was just like..nahh..not really necessary at this point in my life. PAleasse! After hearing about it again recently, from our campus' staff person Ben, I gained this pure excitement at the idea! After seriously thinking about it I began to see what an amazing adventure it would be, to share the gospel and reach out to college kids from all over as they are partying it up on the beach during theirr spring breaks. Another HUGE factor to me going, is that our little humble group at CSU would soo much prosper if not only I went..but if at least 2 others came along. It would be a magnificent bonding and growing experience for us. These are things that we need to be doing on my campus to strengthen our groups foundation so that it can grow more and more and can flourish at school for years to come! Whew. So that's that. Oh yea..annndd I've never seen the ocean. lol. Yes, I am deprived apparently..all my life I thought it was a normal thing..but guess not. : )

So yes, I have been overwhelmed with joy lately because of that opportunity which is amazing. However, I've been recently bombarded with..opportunities?..ha..of another kind. I am very confused about it, though have very strong and passionate feelings about the situation itself. I think it's safe to say that I will be praying nonstop about it this week and asking for clarity and for paths to be cleared. So sisters, though I'm hesitant to reveal what the crunk I'm talking about at present..could you pleasse be praying that God would reveal answers in big ways and that he would continue to grow me into the woman of God he intended me to be? Thanks a heap. ; )

I really cannot wait to see you again Elisa. I already miss you so much! Heather, I am so glad that I've been able to spend so much time with you recently, it's been sooo refreshing. And Kate, I am so grateful for your strong presence in my life and for the love you show me. : ) Love all three of you dearly. xoxo

In His Truth,

Hannah Grace

Hope that doesn't make sense

I probably speak for all of you when I say that my heart is broken over what has happened and is happening in Haiti. I believe firmly in a God who loves and protects his people, who is merciful and also just, and who is so, so good. My brain can only comprehend the earthquake in Haiti as a horrible tragedy, but I know that if God is good, which he is, he can only work this situation for good.
Since the quake, I have struggled with how to even pray for Haiti. It's a whole country, with people who are being profoundly impacted by what has happened. And yet, I have no way to begin to understand what they are going through. I went to bed last night, far too late, simply because I felt like surfing the internet for a while. And when I feel asleep, I was not wondering if my roof might collapse on me during the night. I did not hear gun shots outside my window and wonder how far off they were. I did not even think that there may be a chance that I may not ever get to see any of my friends or family again. I take my security for granted, to be sure. Am I willing to give it up? At this point, I can honestly say that yes, I will give up my safe home and my comfortable bed to serve the Lord, though I admit that I am in no way prepared for that and have no way to know what it will really be like. I get a pit in my stomach just thinking about it.
If you're like me, and have no idea how to pray for people in a circumstance that is so far from your daily experience, I would encourage you to head on over to Brian and Sarah's blog. I know not all the readers here know Brian and Sarah Bennetch very well. But they have been in Haiti for just over a week, and are posting almost daily. It has given me some perspective, although still limited, and has made my prayers more purposeful. For me, the bottom line is that we have brothers and sisters in Haiti and even though we've never met them, they need our prayers, insufficient as they may be.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

Romans 8:18-27

A little prayer?

Hey girls,

I just wanted to write quickly to request your prayers. I'm usually pretty stubborn on this subject and don't often ask, but I'm breaking down my absurd barrier that says I don't need anyone's help or prayers and asking anyway.

I feel crushed on all sides right now. The combination of things I'm doing right now has just made every day stressful with no break in between. Work is a mess, schoolwork is time consuming, wedding planning is a headache, SCUF/Sherpa work is a whole new position; I'm finding that this semester will prove to be my most trying in every way.

Tonight, Melody reminded me that I needed to just take this all to the Lord. I'll admit, I haven't been. When I do "cast my cares on him," it is only to pick them back up again minutes later. I have not been good about prayer at all in this situation, and now that I've recognized it, I feel as though I actually could use a lot of it.

If you girls could just be praying for my stress level, which makes my emotional peaks dramatic and my decision making dull, I would greatly appreciate it. I feel dumb even listing all these things. They seem so petty and pathetic in the grand scheme of things. Unfortunately, my stress level is seldom obedient to the purport of a "grand scheme." It's one of those easier discussed than lived out sort of things... Anyway, I doubt I have to explain that to all of you as if none of you has been stressed before. I guess I'm just trying to justify my overwhelmedness, to justify a need for prayer.

I sort of feel as though God doesn't care about this, to be honest. Not because He thinks I'm dumb, but because he has more important things to take care of, like Haiti and all the people I write about at MNN. How incorrect and stifling my theology can be. I suppose I just feel like these problems of mine should not be problems, like it's my fault I'm stressed and my fault that each day is so miserable lately. I'll admit, I feel it probably is.

All this to say, I need your help, sisters. I'm sorry if I seem distant this semester. I want more than anything to see each one of you and relax and forget about all of this other garbage (but of course it is not garbage, it's just beginning to smell like it). I miss you girls and am so very grateful to have each of you. Thanks for being the three I can come to. Thanks for your prayers ahead of time. I love you all.

Peace, (right?)

Elisa

Just questions.

Oh. Dear.
These last two weeks were something else.
Will I graduate? No? Yes? What?
Will I go to India? Africa? Jordan? Thailand? Minneapolis? Chicago? Hiram?
Will I even make it safely to Cleveland, driving in a white out, in my tiny tin can of a car?
Will I get to have "free time?" What even is free time?
Will I ever finish knitting my stinking hat?!
Will I get hours at work... ever again?
Will I make it through my American lit class without screaming at my professor?
Will I ever meet a MAN?
Will I ever learn to not procrastinate?
Will I ever become less easily annoyed?
Will I..........

You know how sometimes, business interferes with our lives to the point that we don't feel like humans anymore, just like things that have to-do lists, but no relationships? I have felt so overwhelmed by my to-do lists this past week, that even my relationships became a part of a list. I crammed my friends into my day like I crammed in a meeting with my advisor, or like I slipped in some reading for my Hinduism class. And God, too. He was just part of a to-do list this week. Today, tonight, was the first chance I had to even breathe.

Not really sure where I'm going with this. I guess, our little blog was looking empty, maybe because you all feel like you don't have time to breathe, let alone blog. Or maybe because everything is just stressful enough to consume you, but just mundane enough to not want to write about. That's how I've felt. Like my crises aren't really crises, and who wants to read about that?

And on that note, I'm out. Sleep time.

Hope you're well, sisters.

Some thoughts from a technology-hating prospective missionary.

If you know me, you know how much I normally hate talking on the phone. Not as much as I hate texting, but generally, I'm a talk-on-the-phone-to-make-plans-to-actually-see-each-other-in-person kind of person. But, let's be real. Gas is up to 2.75 a gallon, and I'm not getting very many shifts at the Old Navy, so it's not exactly practical for me to drive to see all of my friends in person. Heather, if we were using vegetable oil to fuel our cars, I probably would have driven to Indiana today, just to see your face, because I miss you girl (and because we buy our vegetable oil at Costco, and have a sick amount in our cupboard).
So today, I settled. I talked on the phone to not one, not two, but three dear friends. One was in Parma, one in Cleveland, and one in Hiram (yes, my mom and I have been a bit estranged... so I'm including her in this list). I talked on the phone for probably a total of 2 1/2 hours today, which for me is quite a feat. Additionally, I had lunch with one beady, a quick run in with another, and coffee with... someone else. Overall, I had a socially successful day. Even if I had to suck it up and mostly talk to people without making eye contact.
I think I feel accomplished because for the most part, I've done a really terrible job lately of keeping my relationships in tact. And I have no good reason for it. I've been really lazy for the past month. Sitting around my house. Watching movies and Gilmore Girl re-runs, and hopelessly failing at my goal of finishing some books before I go back to school.
And so today, even though I did watch a movie, I got to catch up with people who I haven't talked to in a long time. People who had big life events happen that I didn't even know about, because I was too busy knitting. Of course, ironically, if I had done a little more facebook stalking, I could have known all of these things... but let's face it, I hate facebook too.
At the same time though, I so take talking on the phone, and even facebook, for granted. I can do it any time I want. That earthquake that just happened in Haiti: that could happen in whatever place I'm in next year. I keep thinking that I could be someplace impoverished and something terrible could happen, and sure I could die (strangely, I'm not that scared of that happening), but almost as bad would be living and having no way to let anyone know. For days. It's weird because now that my goals for the mission field are becoming clearer, I'm realizing how very unglamorous it will be, and as excited as I am to be stretched to my limits, I'm also getting a little scared. It's healthy fear, I suppose; I'm not having night terrors or anything. But all these little things have started to creep into my head, things that remind me of what so many people in the world have put up with for their whole lives, and how lucky I am that right now, for 2.75 a gallon, I could drive to my parents' apartment an hour away, and give them a hug, and make a grilled cheese sandwich on their stove, and drink cold, clean water from their tap, and use a heated blanket, and sleep in their extra bed, and borrow some pajamas, and the list goes on...... of things that I have so readily available to me, that so many people would never even dream of.
I guess I shouldn't blog at 2 in the morning... because that is really not what I intended to write about when I came on here. But I guess materialism has been on my mind a lot lately, so it had to wriggle its way into my late night (or early morning) ramblings as well.
I'm losing steam, so I think I'll go to bed now. Ladies, good night. I'm so grateful for you. Really. Truly.

the 'w' word

Wedding. wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding. Wedding. Wedding wedding. WEDDINGGGGGG! Wedding, wedding wedding? Wedding. Wedding? Wedding.

Sick of that word yet? Just thought I'd key you all into how I'm feeling about it. How it invades every second of my thought, time and action. How it is all I talk about because it's all anyone talks to me about. How anything I see on TV turns into an idea for a centerpiece. How even as I follow Boy Meets World, I'm to the point where Cory and Topanga just got married. How I forgot that I go to school, no less that I am a SCUF this semester and even have some friends. How we have bridal magazines and bridal books laying in every nook and cranny of our house so we can eventually become inspired at bridal shows. My dress. Bridesmaid dresses. Flower girl dresses. DJ. Florist. Photographer. Guest list. Cut guest list. Budget. Cut guest list more. Save-the-dates. Invitations. Oh yeah, and try to get some sleep. You always look so tired.

I have to be honest, I thought everyone was making a much bigger deal out of wedding plans than they needed to before I had a ring on my finger. I thought to myself, "How hard can it be? Make some calls, get a venue, invite some folks. What's to be stressed about?" Perhaps I "should be able to" go back to that point, but let's be honest, it's dripping in naiveté. I am a bit embarrassed and a bit ashamed at the way I have scoffed at brides I have known in the past who get overwhelmed by their plans to the point of threatening relationships and in fact their own sanity. Needless to say, my eyes have been open. It's only been two weeks of wedding planning and already ice is getting thinner in relationships and my sanity, well, that was questionable to begin with--it can't be much better now. I just find it all a bit troubling and a tinge perplexing. "Why," I think to myself, "has such a happy occasion been turned foul? Why has such a beautiful symbol of commitment been choked by the weeds of materialism, expectations and gift registries?" I haven't come to a conclusion on this point, but I have begun to realize that everything they tell you about, "this is your day" is bull. It's not my day any more than a family reunion or a church outreach is my day. This I am ok with. I realize that if the wedding was for Matt and I we'd probably just elope. But the point of a wedding is to gather people together and to see old friends and to celebrate together. So I'm ok with it not being about me, I just wish people would stop lying to me and telling me that it is. It's made me kind of selfish.

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I suppose it was just to vent my frustration in hopes that if I wrote the 'W' word out enough times I wouldn't think about it for at least 5 minutes after I finish writing this. What's funny is that the reason I think about it so much is that I don't care about it. I have never been concerned about my...W, so now that I have to make all of these decisions, I don't know what to choose. I'll be honest, I'm much more concerned with the marriage resulting from this W than I am in the actual W. And I think that's just fine, thanks. Planning for one day verses planning for a lifetime. I think most people focus on the day because it's easier. Overwhelming, sure. But nothing to planning out the rest of your life. And so these wedding-inspired marriages fail. Maybe if they had been marriage-inspired weddings things would be different. And so I am doing my best to have just that: a marriage-inspired wedding. I'm finding that this is in fact a much more difficult task than planning a celebration. It's preparing. It's bracing yourself. For life.

e l i s a

The latest from a soon to be college GRAD!

I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Heather Grace, 21 almost 22-year-old girl (woman?), psychology student in Indiana, lover of dance and edamame. I feel the need to introduce myself because some of you blog readers may have forgotten about me due to my lack of beady-activity in the last few months. Wow, so much and also so little has happened since I last blogged. So much time has passed, Christmas has come and gone, and yet I feel very similar to how I felt back in November. I am now 13 days away from being a college graduate, I still don’t have a job lined up, and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Sound familiar? Well, it is.

I’ve been trying to make the most of my last few weeks at Taylor, but I’m finding it very hard to do. I am overwhelmed with an anxious, unsettled feeling - the desire to get out and move on. Most of you readers probably know the reason behind this feeling, and for those of you who don’t, feel free to ask. But it’s not only the boy that is the cause of this anxiousness, no, it is also the lack of comfort I feel here. I no longer feel a part of this community. Not in my classes, around campus, the dining commons, my job, or even my apartment. I just don’t belong here anymore. I think what I’m seeking is a lot of different things, but they are all wrapped up in the idea of moving to Minnesota. I’m seeking independence, job experience, friendship, a new church, a place to volunteer, love, warmth, understanding, and the freedom to be myself again. I’m so excited by the thought of starting over again, it’s the feeling I had before going away to college and also after every time I moved to a new place growing up. Maybe this is just how I am wired – I need significant change about every four years. Who knows?

This brings me to the present. What are my plans now, you may ask? Excellent question. Once I am officially done with school, I will move home for about a week, and then I am going to Minneapolis for two weeks. In that time, I have one job interview, a meeting with a temp-to-hire agency, and three other meetings with various people to “network.” I’m also planning on looking at apartments (I might have a possible lead on this topic) and trying to figure out a living situation. And of course I will spend any leftover time (okay, MOST of my time) with Toby. :) Then, I’ll come back home for a week or two, and I’m hoping by then I will have a job! In reality, I’m pretty hopeful that this job interview will become an actual job, and I can do this along with a possible part-time job for extra cash. We shall see…

Okay, that’s all I have for now. I hope to see at least two of you very soon, and Lisey, we’ll have to figure something out before I move across the Midwest! I love you much, my sisters.

Heather Grace