Blessing, not burying: a new commitment

I'm not certain that anyone will see this ever, no less any time soon. We've all sort of abandoned this form of communication and we're all to blame, so I won't be the slightest bit surprised or even hurt if none of you lovelies reads this. But I need to get it out and make a promise to myself if to no one else.

At youth group on Wednesday night, our youth pastor Brady talked about the story of the talents. He told the kids it was really about potential. Each man who received the ten talents was being given potential and was able to choose what he did with it. Two men were considered "good and faithful servants" for multiplying their potential, using the abilities and things their master had given them. But the last man was accused of laziness and even wickedness. Why? He buried his potential and left it forever, no turning back. Now it is often the case that I feel Brady speaks more to me than to anyone else in the room, and Wednesday was just such a night. I felt guiltier than a dog who pooped on the carpet. Because I have intentionally buried a whole big chunk of potential for the last year or so: my music. Now that it is clear that I will be finishing my masters and getting a grown up job, I have completely buried my musical dreams. Some of that I think is ok. I'm more than happy to let go of the thought of touring and writing full time. Frankly, I have no desire to do that. But I knew in my heart on Wednesday that burying my gifts and talents altogether is shameful. I do not have to be a professional to use the musical potential I possess. I do not have to make albums to bless people. I do not have to win Grammy's to go on writing. Over the last year or so though, I have subconsciously decided that if music will not be my career, it will not be my anything. And frankly my friends, that lie came straight from the ugly and putrid devil. It's just this whole time, I didn't think it was a lie. I thought I was just one more girl who had a dream that went away and that was that. But that's the thing. That is not that. And it had better not be if I want to avoid the same lazy wickedness of a fool with a shovel. 

So as I played my still-favorite of my written songs tonight, "I Won't Hide", and cried over the irony at singing such a song after the last year, I prayed for the guts and wisdom not to take my ten talents and stick them in the ground. And I believe God answered. It is nothing glamorous or original, but if I do not write it down I fear I will never follow through with anything else either. Here is what I have decided to do: I am going to make a youtube channel of me singing the stuff I've written that I think God gave me for a reason. This channel will in no way be intended to gain any sort of following or to gain any sort of attention. It will be solely for the purpose of blessing my friends and family who might still want to hear what God is speaking to me through song. If they feel someone else could benefit from a particular song, they are welcome to pass it on. The main purpose is just to bless people in any small way by at least keeping my "talents" in the daylight rather than beneath the ground. I think it's just about the least I can do. 

I am no longer an aspiring singer/songwriter, but that doesn't give me the right to hide my voice, hide my songs, from the world. Songs from an un-famous friend can still be as powerful as those from a famous stranger. So friends, if you have any song requests of years and years past, anything that touched your heart at any point, let me know. Otherwise I am going to one by one post what I think is worth posting and pray that this is one step toward burying my shovel. 

You are each a blessing to me. Can I bless you?

Elisa

P.S. Please hold me to this. I am not the best at following through, especially when it means putting my heart on the line. Friends have elbows for a reason. Feel free to nudge. 

VLOG #5

A new vlog for you to enjoy. Recovering from gum surgery...

Me, the Hypocrite with the Closed Purse

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’" - Matthew 25:37-40

I am overwhelmed with guilt. Today I had the chance to serve "the least of these brothers and sisters of mine," and I failed. When I was out on an errand for work downtown, I was approached by an elderly African American woman with ragged clothes and a limp who asked if I had a dollar to spare. One dollar. I said "sorry," turned away, and walked into my place of work (that's right, at a rescue mission).

Ever since I turned away, I have felt a strong sense of shame and embarrassment. I can't believe I didn't stop, open my purse, and check to see if I actually had cash (which I did, by the way). How could I just keep walking like that without even thinking twice? Homelessness and poverty are my passions. I can get on my soapbox and talk for hours about how important social services are, and how the church needs to be doing more to help the poor, but when I'm actually faced with the issue directly, I become a hypocrite. I'm so embarrassed.

So now I'm wondering: why did I do that? Why is it my instinct to turn away or ignore someone who approaches me on the street and asks for a dollar? It's clearly not how I want to respond. It's definitely not how Christ would respond. I absolutely have a dollar to spare for someone in need. Heck, I have a dollar to spare for a millionaire. So why did I turn and run?

Let me be honest. I grew up in the suburban Midwest. I participated in church from AWANA to youth group, attended Christian college in a cornfield, and almost all of my friends have similar backgrounds to this. My personal experience in the inner city is very limited, even though I'd like to pretend that's not true. I grew up being taught that homeless people and those who beg on the streets are most likely on drugs. Or if not, then maybe they deserve it somehow. So is that why I can't open my purse?

I've spent the last three years reading about homelessness, working firsthand with mentally ill people in poverty, and learning about the barriers that poor people face that are completely out of their control. I know that not all homeless people are on drugs. I know it. This is what is driving me crazy.

And even if this woman was a drug addict, does that mean that Jesus would have just walked away from her? Absolutely NOT. Duh. I bet he would have put his arm around her, given her a bus pass, and treated her to McDonald's. Why can't I be like that? I struggle so much with knowing how to interact directly with homeless people when I'm not somehow "on duty." Dear God, please show me how to love people like you do!

Basically ever since the interaction this afternoon, I have been asking God to give me another chance to boldly show His love to a homeless person. And that is why I decided to write this blog. I want everyone to know my shame so I will be held accountable to act differently next time. I hope you find some encouragement in this post. If you don't ever interact with homeless people, then maybe you need to put yourself in a situation where you will. See what happens. And if you're someone who already opens your purse every time, God bless you. I sincerely pray that one day that will be me.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully I will be able to write a more positive story soon.

Always,

Heather

Dirty Laundry

Happy Monday!

I've been thinking about blogging for a few days now, and I finally worked up the motivation, so here I am. I'm working from home today because we had a big snowfall and the roads are super icy, but I have already put in over 6 productive hours of work, and I think I deserve a break. Of course, I could be doing these piles of laundry that have been sitting on our floor since yesterday, but what's the fun in that?

Let's see, what's new in my life? Well, you 3 already know this, but I went to the eye doctor last week and learned that I officially need glasses. Apparently, I am farsighted, and also one of my eyes naturally looks slightly outward rather than straight ahead, so I have to strain my eyes to focus on things up close. That's right, I have a crazy eye. This is not really news to me considering I've always had my little eye - I just know he's the culprit. I won't need to wear them all the time, pretty much just at work and when I'm reading. But, still! I'm sad.

Toby and I went to our first small group activity at our new church last week. We are checking out a group for newlywed couples called The Honeymooners. So far, so good. This week, I have my work "Christmas party" (oh, the joys of working at an organization that actually gets busier at Christmas time), so we can't go to the group, but we'll try again next week. We're still searching for more kindred couple friends...why can't it just be easy to meet a couple we both like?! Seriously, I am sick of moving and changing friends every few years (elementary, middle, high school, college, post-college, married, etc). Are you sure none of you want to move to Minnesota? :P

On a more serious note, there is something I'd like some prayer for. In the last few months, I have come to the realization/conviction that I have a lot of anxiety. I keep it inside for the most part, but it definitely comes out at Toby's expense and it is stressing out both of us. I think I might seriously have mild OCD, because the anxiety is mostly about cleanliness and organization. I've always been a neat-freak, but I feel like I'm starting to have more of an emotional reaction when things are out of place or dirty -- and that is different than how it's been in the past. I feel like it's a spiritual issue too, because I'm living with a lot of fear and not trusting God to take care of things. I would really appreciate prayer, because my biggest goal right now is to start turning my anxiety and fear over to God.

Okay, back to work. I love you ladies a ton! Have a great week!

Heather Grace

Just for laughs

I am not the story teller in this small group of friends. Usually we turn to Hannah to get our bladders bursting as we howl at her ridiculous life stories. But I had such a Michael Scott encounter at work the other day, I had to share.

So my boss' boss is a man I affectionately refer to as CEC (text me if you wanna know what the initials stand for--don't want to get in trouble or anything). CEC and I have spoken a total of five times now, I believe, over the last 3 years. Quite the involved man. So you can imagine my surprise when he came to my desk the other day and said, "Hey... [long pause as he obviously searches for my name until he stops trying because he can't remember...Head to the conference room." I go to the conference room to find every woman from the radio station. I think, "Is this someone's birthday? Is it sexual harassment training?" I'll find out soon enough. CEC enters the conference room along with my coworker, R. (I'm quite the encoder, eh?) Everyone sits down except for R, another co-worker S, and me. CEC begins to speak, "Now it's come to my attention that we have a problem here at the station. And apparently, there was an incident in which a man used the women's bathroom." Hold the phone. Now first off, so many men use the "women's" bathroom, I honestly thought they were unisex. This is already an enlightening meeting for me. CEC goes on, "Now people come to me with this issue every once in a while and I just need to tell you. There are some men in this office ages 60-65 [there are two men in this age range, immediately singling out to us who CEC could be speaking of] who have prostate trouble. When one has to go, he JUST. HAS. TO. GO." At this point, I look at the ground. I can't keep a straight face. Who in their right mind thinks it's appropriate to tell the whole female staff about a man's prostate problems. It gets worse. "Now, let's just call it what it is. ____[Insert staff member's name here] has a prostate problem, and it's hard for him to go." Seriously? He just told us who has a prostate problem? "And you know what? We just need to have a little respect. If it's an emergency, he has to go! So look people, if Satan is going to tear down this organization, it is going to be from the IN.SIDE.OUT!" CEC pauses and honestly, I think he might cry. He is flustered and I'm about to laugh. Satan? Mixed in with a conversation about a bathroom problem? Which we could all care less about since men use our bathroom all the time? But wait. There IS someone who cares. Now said person chimes in, "But CEC, this is a serious problem! We have ALL had to wait in line for the bathroom and it's just ridiculous! Men can't go in there and use the facility. We need a new bathroom." CEC is now extremely flustered. "A new bathroom is $3000-$4000! I mean...that's with a shower and everything... But look! I just don't know what to do!! What do you want me to DO?! [Near tears and now shouting] I talked to E [who's in charge of employee relations] to ask her how to handle this because I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! People come ask me about the bathroom TWO TO THREE TIMES A YEAR and I just can't handle it! This is over my head. It's OVER my HEAD!" I stare at the floor and bite my lip. I can't look at R or else I'll bust a gut while CEC is about to cry. My eyes wander instead to CEC, who I notice is wearing dress shoes with no socks, a shirt and tie and a sweatshirt over said get-up. As if he read my mind, CEC goes on, "So we just need to respect the people with these problems. If there's an emergency, use whatever bathroom is close by. But [prostate man] has a problem, ok?! And we need to respect that, because we ALL have problems. Take me for instance--I almost got fired a few years ago because they didn't think I 'dressed the part'. They didn't like that I wore no socks and that I never wore a tie. [Seriously, he said this. I later found out that it wasn't the socks they were mad about--he also used to not wear shoes to work. Seriously. And this is the headiest head of my work.] So we all have problems alright! So we need to just learn from Paul and ENCOURAGE one another, ok???" Silence for a few seconds. Then a woman chimes in, "So...are you saying the bathrooms are unisex?" CEC has had it. "I don't--I can't handle this! Take your questions to E! I just can't deal with this bathroom issue anymore! I just CAN'T!!!" End of meeting. 25 minutes to say what he could've done in 2 and what only one of us actually cared about. That is what I call efficiency.

Stories

First of all: I must be honest. I have pretty much forgotten that this blog exists. Until this very moment. I'm sitting at the desk at work, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only soul awake in this building of around 130 people, and I was thinking, "Gosh, this seems like as good a time as any to write musings and release them so that anyone in the world could read them. If only there were some way for me to just do that. Some sort of log that I could release to the web. A weblog if, you will." Oh wait, Kate. Welcome to the 21st century.
So, I wrote a lot this month. A LOT. I did not finish my novel, and at this point, it seems unrealistic to think that I will before November is up. But, I wrote about 35,000 words, which is over 60 pages, single spaced, and that's more than I've written in one word document, I think ever. And I spent the month getting to know these fictional characters as they took shape in my head, and I wrote about everything from their hair, to the things they cooked, to the things they cried about. It was kind of bizarre, honestly. At first, it was tempting to create characters that were all versions of the person I wish I were. But Don Miller's voice (from his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years) kept creeping into my head and reminding me that for stories to be interesting there has to be conflict and people have to struggle. And so my people struggled. And they weren't completely beautiful, or entirely cool. And I like them better that way. But now that the month is up, and I've realized that I'm not going to finish, I'm slowing down. I think I will finish eventually, but not right now. It feels like maybe I should take a break from that fictional world and process some of the really hard things that are going on in my own life.
I feel like my life might not make a very good book, because the hard things that are happening seem comparitively small. And the really good things that are happening are small too. But nonetheless, I feel as if my own life, right now, is undeniably good. Not good as in easy, but good as in this is how it's meant to be. This might sound cheesy, but if my life right now were a book, God would be a main character. Because I've had these really intense conversations with him on I-71 South where I basically yell at him for something that he did, or beg him for something, or just tell him how amazed I am at what he's doing. And it's like He's walking around the halls of Laura's Home and actually changing lives. And all of us on the staff keep marveling at how good God is at his job, because we are so in awe of the impact that He is having on people.
The other day, this lady showed up here in a taxi, and the taxi had been sitting out front for about 20 minutes when my coworker decided to go out and see what was going on. It turns out that she had ridden in the cab from the East side, racked up a $50 bill, and then tried to charge it on a maxed out Credit Card. She insisted that she didn't know her card would be denied. He decided to call the police. The police wouldn't come (Cleveland police, quite frankly, have bigger fish to fry) so the guy put her in the cab to drive her to the station, which I'm pretty sure is illegal. When he pulled out, my coworker and I stopped to pray, because Lord only knows if he was really going to take her to the station, or if he was going to ask her for some other form of payment....
She returned a few hours later, seemingly unscathed, and she only stayed one night. Long enough to get a meal, a shower, a fresh set of clothes, and a chapel service. I have no idea where she is, but I feel a little like God brought her back safely just to show us that he was listening to our prayers and had answered them.
My job is hard. We don't always get to see if our prayers are answered. People who seem fine attempt suicide, and people who seem like a lost cause transform before our very eyes. But as I sit here, awake in this big building, I know that this is where I am supposed to be. I can get cussed out, and people can try to push my buttons (and sometimes succeed) and yet, I can so clearly see how God brought me here and how he is using me to encourage others, and how he is shaping me.
After all, the hard stuff is what makes us us. This month has been my first hard month at work, and it's only the 3rd month. But I told myself before I started this job that I needed to be sure of my calling, so that when things got hard, I wouldn't doubt the validity of the decision that I made. And now that things are getting hard, not only do I not doubt that decision, I see that the decision wasn't mine at all. And the same God who has told me over and over again that my decisions are not his decisions, and who has moved in big ways to change the path of my life, is the God who brought me here to this place for a reason. And that makes it exciting to get out of bed in the morning (or in today's case, at 1pm). I can't wait to see what he has in store for me next. But I know it's gonna be good.

Melancholy musings make for alliteration

Dear lovelies,

I am more than slightly overwhelmed. (Yes, I will be complaining for the first bit of this blog, so settle in.) We are currently looking for a car, an apartment, and some other life things I won't mention on this blog but you all know about. I have been feeling immensely over-worked at work. I've been easily irritable--a quality I do not like in anyone else, and therefore should probably not be exhibiting myself. In short, I'm burnt out. At the same time, I've been reading "unChristian," and enjoying (I use that word loosely) a sermon series on the 7 churches of Revelation at our church.

Both of these Christ-related things piled atop the bitterness I feel more often than not at life as of late have been a slow but painful smack in the face that I am not in fact as Christ-like as I thought. Boy, do I have a lot of growing to do. Ever feel like you're going backwards in your faith? I feel in a lot of ways like a Christian zombie, acting lifelike but in an eerie way that everyone knows is not real living. (Wow. This is depressing. Ha, sorry.) I'm realizing how months after asking for contentedness I have not only stopped asking, but have stopped wanting it. I feel content with feeling sorry for myself. How pathetic is that? I'll tell you how pathetic that is. Pathetic enough to make me a jerk to people I love for no reason, to not enjoy the things that should bring me joy, and to forget altogether what it means to have a relationship with the Lord.

I don't know why I'm putting this out to the masses on the internet. Probably not a great idea on my part, but you all know me--I have to talk things through to figure out what I'm feeling. And frankly, these feelings are easier to write about than say out loud. Because I know that as a wealthy American I have no right to be so dejected, and yet I feel as though I can't help it. Why is that?

I want to see you all very badly. I can't wait for Thanksgiving, where (pray for me on this) I will try to just forget about the other woes of life and just ENJOY for once! What a concept. ;) It was wonderful to have Kate here for a few days, although it was altogether too short. Great to just have at least one night of long conversation though. Thanks for that, friend. :) Hannah and Heathie, I trust you had a fun stay together. I sure hope so.

Also, we need to plan our second annual (or I suppose it could be 3rd or 4th depending on what previous dates you count) Beady Beaday. We are so overdue. (Ok, we're not, but it feels like it.)

Anyway, thanks for letting me use this blog to think. I'm in a weird, not so great funk lately, and could use prayers if you think of it. I miss enjoying life, as I only seem to really do when I'm close to the Lord.

Now I want to leave you ladies with some song lyrics I'm writing. They're not hopeful yet, but I want to make them a little hopeful... Any suggestions? :)

Once I was a child

I could laugh

I could smile

I'd lay my head to sleep

I could dream happily

Maybe it never should've grown harder

But I've grown old

Once I did believe

I had faith

I had peace

______ (I don't remember this line, haha)

I could speak to God freely

Baby, I never should've grown harder

But I've grown cold

And I'm told

that my own

is your average American story

You grow old

You grow cold

You forget the things that used to be your glory

My current hopeful lyric idea is finishing the bridge with something like "Yet I have this memory/of somebody saying/Just maybe I'm worthy.../Could I be?" Something along that vein. Love you all.

Elisa

Well HELLLOOOO therrrre!

Ohhhh wow beadies. I feel…ridiculous that I have not posted on our beloved blog in SUCH a long time now. I miss all of you very much, and just had a great time hanging out and havin a sleepover with Katesters. : ) I dyed her hair, hence the video, and we just hung out laughing. After waking up we had a good conversation about the future. haha That sounded like I'm about to say that she proposed or something. lol. I was telling Katie about the fact that I'm a little bit scared of the future. And all at the same time I have this vision for my life, I just have no idea how to get close to it.

My mom came in my room today and told me to take the test online this week before friday to be a police officer. One of her good friends is the chief of Police of Avon Lake, so he is always pushing me to go into that field. I mean, I guess I could kind offf picture doing that as far as "conventional jobs" go, but at the same time…it just doesn't seem like…me. I totally understand why they're pushing me towards it because of the pay and the obvious benefits, and I respect that, but that's one of my biggest fears. I'm afraid of settling. I always have been so afraid of settling in life, in any facet, and just ending up unhappy and lost.

In all honesty, I don't like the idea of changing myself or having to disguise parts of myself in order to fit into a job. I can't even picture it. That's why I so much want to work with small individual film productions. Obviously I am not planning on getting a film degree, I don't want that. However, I think becoming involved at least with other people's projects is a very realistic goal. Just by researching and making connections and putting myself out there, you know? For right now though, I am very content. I can't really remember the last time I was content in life. I am loving working down town at Starbucks and love every one I work with. I have never experienced that before. It's so much fun walking into work and not feeling like you are. It seriously just feels like I'm meeting up with my friends to serve people coffee. haha. For this year, I am content being here and have actually been really enjoying Cleveland.

Also, on the news front, Kristin Wilkinson and I are still in our apartment search! I am SO excited to be doing this, and know that she will be an awesome room mate. We're gonna have a blast. We are looking in Lakewood. It's a very central location to everything that both of us do and, especially for me, is the hub of all public transportation! yayyy! So, hopefully it all works out for the best. : ) And Heather, kwilks and I are soooo excited to be coming to visit you at the end of this month. It's going to be AWWESOMME. So get ready for us. Beadies, I love you all and thanks so much for always puttin up with me and my, at times, crazy life.

Love,

Hannah Grace

Just like the good ole days!

I think this video pretty much speaks for itself. Wish the other beadies were here in the AL. You guys can move back anytime ;)

With love,

Hannah Grace and Kate

Article sharing, my husband would be so proud

I read this article today and found it to be a good reminder! Just thought I would share it with you all.

Good without God?

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/crosswalk-devo/good-without-god-crosswalk-the-devotional-sept-10-2010-11636913.html

Happy

Hola Beadies & Bloggers!

Tonight I was inspired to blog by 1) the fact that I am home alone, and 2) my twin's new blog. So, here I am. I'm really pretty bad at blogging, mostly because my life is not that interesting, and also because I have found an internet-self-expression home in Twitter. It's short, to the point, and random. Just how I like it. If you really want to read daily updates from me, go here.

Anyway, I am very happy to announce that right now I am very happy! I've been happily employed by the Union Gospel Mission for three months now. I love my job, the people, the organization, and the atmosphere. I was just telling Kate this today, but the longer I work there, the more I love it. It's just so encouraging to work at a place where you can directly see the fruits of your labor and the people affected by it. How different that is from my previous position! I work in an actual office, with a normal schedule, cool co-workers, and I still have independence but with support when I need it. We pray before meetings and send out prayer requests in emails. I can attend graduation ceremonies and hear inspiring stories monthly. I could join a choir made of clients and staff and sing at local churches. I ride the elevator each day with women and children who are changing their lives in our programs. It's awesome. I advertise for them all the time in my non-work-related conversations, they should start paying me extra. ;)

My personal life is going really well too! Toby and I are coming up on our 1 year wedding anniversary! Yay. I can't believe this year is already over, but I guess I probably say that every year. Imagine how fast this next year will go - there won't be any big changes (well, let's hope) like last year. In the last two years, I graduated college, got engaged, got married, worked three different jobs, moved twice, got a new car, got in a car accident, went to Hawaii, and got pregnant. JUST KIDDING!! Whew, hopefully that won't be happening for at least three more years. Although I do feel the baby fever spreading everywhere else. We are content with our family of two for now. :) I like my job, Toby likes his job, we have lots of free time and get plenty of sleep. It's really the way to live if you ask me.

I would love if one of you would come visit me up in Minnesota (the "magical Minnesota" if you remember my summer Vlog of '09). I love my life here, but it is definitely lacking my kindred spirit beady sisters. You three are so special to me and cannot be replaced. We have a newly refurnished guest bedroom with brand new sheets, bedspread, and mattress...so yeah. Basically it's a hot vacation spot.

I love and miss each of you so much!

Your sister,

Heather

Daydream Believer

I was sitting here, thinking about how to spend my time, and I thought, you know, I should blog. So I got online to do so and realized there were three blogs waiting for me to read! Yikes! I have been super horrible about checking this. Sorry ladies...

That premise of near absent mindedness probably fits with my current state. I have been doing a lot of day dreaming lately, which is frankly pretty odd, because I have never ever been a day dreamer. In fact, I hardly understood what it was until recently since I've always thought of day dreaming to be a Luna Lovegood-type pastime reserved for horny boys and crazies. Now I know the true heart of day dreamers is rooted not in lust or insanity, but in dissatisfaction.

I have no right to be dissatisfied. Things are better than ever with my hubby (they've always been great, but have been particularly wonderful as of late), I was just able to spend some good quality time with my family and Matt's, my sixth grade girls are all excited about doing a Bible study this summer, summer food and activities are on the horizon, and we're going to Norway in less than 2.5 weeks. But as Hannah's blog reminded us, Satan does not quit when things seem fine. And lately, he's been attacking me by planting bitter thoughts in my head. And I have happily succumbed.

I feel like I've told you all of this already, but it may be because I just journaled it all, intending to post it, and never did. So pardon the rather less eloquent version of my thoughts. Over the past 6 months (to stick with Kite's theme), I have felt a lot of things, but contentedness has not at any point been one of them. I tried to fake it a few times, but that never lasted longer than a conversation's length before disappearing. The truth is, full-time work is more draining than I thought. Or this type of full-time work anyway. And over the past several months as I've been working full-time I've begun to recognize that I will never be satisfied in a position without people. Now various things have stemmed from this realization:

1. It's caused me to notice how stifled my creativity has been. I write all day, so by the time I get home, I want nothing to do with writing music or journaling--two of my favorite pastimes. I haven't written a song in about 4 or 5 months.
2. I've begun, as I said, to day dream. To day dream about being in a big backyard smelling flowers in the summer, because I have the summer off to have fun and explore with my husband and a dog, because I work at a school as a school counselor, and people who work at schools get summer off. In my day dreams, I'm happy, blissful, content, and perfectly in tune with God.
3. I've become a whiner again, much as I was as a child, when my mother so lovingly nicknamed me "Whine-ona."
4. I desperately want a different position. And I hate being so "desperate" when there are things that I like about my work. What's driving me nuts, though, is that I know that even if I were to get a new job today, there'd still be things to complain about.
5. I want to go back to school. And soon. Throughout college, I never dreamed I'd go back to get a Masters, but now I can't stop thinking about counseling. Even if counseling didn't work out, what an asset that learning would be to my song writing, right? (Don't worry, I do intend to use the multi-thousand dollar degree!) I'm taking the GRE in September. I'd really love to start school once Matt gets a full time job--hopefully September 2012. If we are still in the area and I still work for MNN, I could get free schooling, but we'll see about that...
6. The real world is complicated.

I know that dissatisfaction is not all bad. I think it was good that Heather, for example, was dissatisfied enough to search for a new position, and could transition into something I'm sure she'll love much more! (Yay Heathie!) But the truth is, there's really no other option for me at this point in time. We really just need to wait it out till Matt's graduation in December before we make any changes. And frankly, this is part of the sacrifice I make for having the opportunity to be married young--and that I would never, ever give up.

All this to say, now, I know I need to find that content spirit that Paul talks about in Philippians. I know that because I can't change my circumstances, I need to count my blessings, and be grateful for where God has placed me, because He has indeed placed me here. But of course, all of that is easier said then done, and really, I could use your prayers. I've been trying to make a habit of getting up and prayer walking in the morning, hoping to grow closer to the Lord, but also to sort of center myself on what's important. But so far my spirit has still just been cranky that it's early and that in a matter of time I'll have to go into work. Yikes. I really need a spiritual makeover. Maybe Norway will be of some help. Anyway, if you could just pray that I'll be content, and not bitter, and continuously reminded of the blessings in my life, which I know are many, but selfishly don't like to acknowledge. Self-pity is so easy, isn't it?

Ok, this has been all too long. I love you girls so much. I owe everyone phone calls. Thanks for listening to me rant. You always do. :)

e.l.i.s.a

P.S. I feel like our blog background is a little bleary for summer. Thoughts?

New and Old

Wow...well, it's been quite a bit of time since I've written on this thang. I feel really guilty on one hand, but on the other I don't care because I really had nothing of profound importance to say. I just want to start off by saying how much I love you three. You have been such a solid place for me to go to for comfort and help this past year, and I don't know what I would have done without you all. I know how much you all love and care about me, and it's a blessing I'll never understand why I deserve. I miss you all terribly and wish we could somehow live closer to one another. Just like old times.

Well this year has been...well...as a wise friend once told me "a bitch". ; ) And I completely concur. I feel so much better now in every way, that's for sure. It's clear to ME how much so at least. And I'm sure the three of you would agree. Even though I'm in this new place right now, which is a complete blessing and answer to multiple peoples prayers...I still feel very fragile. It's actually amazing to me how such a new state of mind and heart could feels so scary and unnerving. It's because of this that I would like to ask you for continued prayer sisters. I just feel very strange not living in that dark place anymore, that at times I am emotionally overwhelmed. It seems like the change happened so fast, and though this is awesome, it may have been a shock to my soul. I had grown very accustomed to where I was. That selfish place, that I couldn't seem to even see past by any stretch of the imagination. I want to really stay honest with you three about where I am, because frankly...I just have to. Satan attacks my heart every day. Sometimes with new things, but majority of the time with the old and all too familiar. Though I am at such a good place now, I think that's what truly makes me so vulnerable to lies that he's constantly awaking me and rocking me to sleep with. It's not very fun. So please just pray that God will free me from this bondage and that he will strengthen my heart and not let it be hardened (which I'm afraid has already partially happened). Thanks sisters.

I have been lucky enough to do a lot of really fun and productive-like things lately. This past weekend I was in Washington D.C. with Janet Maltbie and Amanda Meeker. It was such a great time, and opportunity. I was a bit hesitant going into it, not only because it was a huge sacrifice of time (of my online classes) but I was very intimidated and lacking in confidence. The first day I got to the workshop though I knew I would have a great time. It is in the Art and Media House downtown and was this very artsy..eclectic-looking house with an art gallery on the first floor and a mac lab upstairs. It was awesome. So that's where I spent most of my time was learning about the art of digital story telling, putting together MY story/script to be used for my video, and then spending A LOTT of time learning the software Final Cut Express and editing my final piece. It was veryyy intense but well worth it. I came out of the weekend with my first ever digital short! : ) I have to say that I'm not like..SUPERR proud of it, because I'm a perfectionist and I just see all the mess ups (seeing as how i did it in like..4 hours) haha. But I did show it to my tuesday night dinner group of gals last night, who it were my intended audience, and they all loved it. Watched it twice in a row! : ) So I would love for you three to see it sometime soon.

I have been also doing my online classes, I'm taking 18 credit hours online...sooo yea. It's a bit like being on house arrest and most of the time I'm just jumping out of my skin! Give me the sunshine! : ) It's been really intense, especially given that 3 of the 5 end July 1st. They are only 6 weeks, so they are very condensed and rather fast paced. Prime motivation...I am done with school FOREVERR after August 12th. ; ) That feels good to say. / Scary...not too sure what my life will look like after that. Though as Janet said this weekend, "Hannah, can I say something? Is it ok?...I just don't think you belong in Avon Lake. I think you need to be somewhere else. Avon Lake is not for you." Janet, I couldn'ttt agree with you more. haha She also wants me to be an undercover FBI agent and will be setting up connections for me on sunday. lol! Yesss pleassse. I can see it.

Alright girls, well...I HOPE you're proud of me for finally posting!! haha jk. It was about time. Love and miss you all dearly. Sister, I need to skype with you / see what we can do about gettin me to MI. : ) Twin, I would LOVE to come see YOU this summer! Maybe once most of my classes have settled down in July? We should skype again soon. Katesters, I should see you sometime soon. : )

xoxo HG

Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last

I just want to announce to the blogesphere that I am officially done being a Mental Health Practitioner!! Today was my last day, and I am extremely glad to say that I start my new job next week! This weekend, Toby and I are going up north to Duluth, which is a popular travel destination for Minnesotans. It's a town right on Lake Superior full of antique shops, typical touristy spots, and pretty lake and nature walking paths. We're going up with another couple and staying at an indoor water park resort, so it should be really fun!

The last two weeks at work have been really tough. It's felt like two consistent weeks of breaking up with people. Some of my clients took the news well, but others did not. I guess that's to be expected when I've been meeting with them every week for the past year. As a result, I've been pretty emotional, too. One client wrote me a letter thanking me for all the work we did together. In her letter she wrote, "God's spirit shines through you gracefully." And that was really neat to hear! It was not often that I got any feedback on the work I was doing, so I greatly appreciated reading that! I will truly cherish that letter.

I'm sure I will have plenty to share about my new job once I start, so be looking out for that. I still can't believe I'm done. Whew, it has been a long year.

Peace out.

Heather

6 months ago

November 14^th. That was just over 6 months ago. 6 months.

That’s the day I knew I wasn’t leaving. Not yet. After that day, I faced the world in a new way. People were divided into two categories: those who knew, and those who didn’t. Those who knew would approach cautiously, looking downcast, and say things like, “how are you holding up?” Those who didn’t would be talking to me about whatever, and then it would dawn on them, and they’d say, “Oh yeah, when are you leaving?” Then I would twist up my face and say something weak like, “Well, it’s a long story… but I’m not.”

6 months ago, I also stopped taking pictures. I stopped painting. I stopped playing my guitar. Right after Christmas, I stopped knitting. For a few weeks, I took solace in the word, but after that, I started to glaze over while reading it. I started reading out of obligation, as if storing facts for the next test. Someone would inevitably ask me what I had been learning, and I’d pull something out of the stores in my head (that same section where I store SAT vocabulary and Presidential trivia) and give them some lame response. Or some days, if I was really tired, I’d just say, “it’s been hard, but the Lord’s been faithful.” Which is true, but that should never be the last ditch answer. The Lord is faithful, but his faithfulness should not be reduced to small talk.

Not long after, I started making myself look really good on paper. I pretended to be completely sure of myself, and convinced myself that I was qualified for anything the working world could throw at me. I applied for jobs that I was underqualified for, and jobs I was overqualified for. And none of those employers seemed to want me. I started wearing suits and eyeliner, both of which I had hoped to leave behind for the third world. Then I got a job. It was handed to me, but I was okay with that. I started smiling a lot, and wearing a metal name tag, and handing out business cards.

A few weeks later, I packed up what was left of my life and put it in a u-haul. I then spent evenings walking the aisles of discount stores so that I could accumulate lamps, pots and pans, and picture frames. I started a life completely my own, and completely different from what I imagined just a year ago.

Somewhere in there, I picked up my camera again. Not every day. Nowhere close to every day. But some things were worth documenting. I tuned my guitar. I opened my eyes while I was reading my bible.

This blog does not even begin to describe the things that I’ve processed with God over these past 6 months. Maybe in another 6 months, I’ll be able to explain those things with a little more perspective and clarity. But for now, I can agree with God who says in His word that “the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.” In some ways, I feel like I’m starting over, like morning is breaking. And you know what, it was awful getting here, but now, it’s not so bad.

The changes. Where to start?

A lot of things have changed since I last blogged. I joined Twitter. I learned that I really like guacamole AND I learned how to make it. I started volunteering as a middle school youth group leader. I've had 7 interviews with the same company and still don't know if I have a job there. I now have at least 3 genuine friends here in MN. I gained about 10 pounds. I crashed my car and then, thankfully, got it fixed. I started watching seasons of Grey's Anatomy as a way to cope with the stress of my job. I have a husband who is just a month away from getting his MDiv. I survived a horribly snowy winter driving an average of 60-80 miles per day. And, that's all I can think of right now!

Oh, there is one more change that I wish to tell you about: I decided it's time to turn my life around. I know, you might be thinking that enough changes are going on, it's not like I need another one. However, with everything that has happened this winter, I really gave up on my relationship with God. I can't blame my job, even though I tried to for awhile. Honestly, I became pretty depressed this winter, and unlike every other period of depression I've experienced, this time I did NOT turn to God for help. I have seen so much brokenness and heard such heartbreaking stories from my clients this year that I started to carry their burdens on my back. No matter how hard I tried, I could not harden myself to their pain. I had to empathize, which means I had to really feel what they felt. And let me tell you, listening to 20 people's heartbreaking stories each week takes its toll! Hence, my need to dive into the drama of Grey's Anatomy.

For the last few weeks I have been trying to hand everything over to God a little at a time. I finally decided that things needed to change. My first step was to start listening to the local Christian radio station. I know that sounds like a weird first step, but considering I am constantly in my car, it actually makes a big difference. Secondly, I started praying in my car. Whenever I need a break from the radio (which is often, let's face it - Christian radio stations play the same songs at least 3x a day), I try to fill my time with talking to God. I'm still working on that, but I can already feel it improving my mood. This week, I am trying to read my Bible each night, just a chapter at a time. I used to be able to read my Bible much more than that, but after having some major struggles with some things I found in the Bible, I now have to break it down into smaller pieces. Reading every day is still a work in progress, but I'm glad I finally committed to doing it again.

That's really the biggest thing going on in my life right now. I feel like I am nearing the end of this dark period, and I am ready for warmth, sun, and summer! Thanks for listening. I hope you all are doing well!

Love,

Heather

A simpler time

Dear sisters,

I was just looking through my emails for an applesauce recipe with rum and couldn't find it. So I typed in "rum" in the search bar. I didn't find the recipe, but I DID find an email from Heather from the summer of 2009. (Heather would be writing to me about rum...;) )

That got me on a nostalgia kick. I decided to look back at our blog from June 2009. I only looked at a few posts, and only from one month, but man was it a reminder of how good God is to us. Not only is it kind of funny to see the things we were going through then, and exciting to see how we've worked through them, and beautiful to see where God's brought us...but it's really just comforting to see how all of us have been friends, stayed friends and will continue to be friends. I know this is sappy, but I don't care. I watched a "vlog" of Heathie and me and I just couldn't help but smile--not just because we're young(er) and silly, but because there are a whole host of videos of been able to watch from my past (thanks to facebook) and usually they make me sad. Usually I'll see a video of a Lake Ridge friend or an old peer that I haven't spoken to in years--even college friends I'm no longer friends with--and I grow sad. Sad that friendships didn't last, that life moves on, that I may never know any more about that person than what I knew in High School or what I can read on their facebook posts. But with you girls, I feel as though I never have to worry about that. With you girls, I watch an old video, smile, and get excited to say, "Hey Heathie, remember when...?"

All this to say, I cherish you all, and love you all so much. We have been through a TON over the last year--heck, over the last three years--individually and sometimes together. For whatever reason, God has seen fit to keep us all together. And that, I'd say, is pretty great.

I cannot wait to see you all soon and make more memories. So that I can be sappy again like this two years from now and tell you all how wonderful you are and how wonderful God's been. And none of you will look at it and get sad.

When I stop, He keeps on going

Well, it's been an interesting past few weeks to say the least. And somehow, I've been surprised at how God keeps showing up.

I would love to say, "Here's what I've learned: ..." but just because I've noticed something hardly means I've learned it. (If that were the case, I would never be surprised by God's faithfulness.) What I've noticed though is how God is always faithful, even when I'm not. What I've noticed is how God's interested and involved in every aspect of my life, as well as the lives of those I love, even when I forget to/am too lazy to pray. What I've noticed is that God is not the slightest bit dependent on me, and that I am more dependent on Him than even I understand.

Last week, I was offered a job. It was a job for a legal services company in which I would be sorting mail, answering phone calls, possibly doing some marketing. It would've used a few of my skills--like writing, and cordiality--and I think would've stretched me to befriend those around me. Nevertheless, I turned it down.

I promised Kate a blog about this decision, so I'll try to be thorough. I'm admittedly in a bit of a thoughtful mood right now, however, and may end up reflecting more than explaining. Call with questions. ;)

Here are the nuts and bolts: my current employer is now able to give me a raise, and, as far as I know, increased hours. I will likely go "real" full-time (benefits, retirement, salary etc.) at the beginning of the summer, but there's no guarantee there. Matt and I are just trusting the Lord will provide.

There's more to it than that, though. I mean, the other job paid more, but we'd have to buy a new car, thus about sucking up any extra income I'd have. I know this job better and like it more now that I'm graduated, etc. But the really interesting thing is how I felt, for the first time in a long time, that God led this decision. See, the sister of an old high school friend was unexpectedly killed last week. The day after that I had a tough/revealing conversation with a friend. Before I could make a decision about a job, I had to decide whether I'd go to Cleveland for the funeral or stick with my commitment to go on our only middle school youth retreat of the year with my sixth grade beauties. I decided on Thursday to go on the retreat, still unsure of whether I was making the right decision. On Friday, I got the job offer, had a few hours to think about it, then left for 'Snow Camp.' I had to let the company know my plans by Monday. So, already stressed by the week's news, on Friday I prayed that God would speak to me at this retreat, forgetting that I am no longer the priority on retreats, that now it is more important that God speak to those 120 junior high kids. Not to worry though, God put me in my place.

The weekend was non-stop. I literally had no break at all to think about this job decision, no less pray for the funeral that I longed to attend to comfort old friends. On Sunday, our bus broke down on the way back, and we were stuck entertaining middle schoolers for 3 hours longer than anticipated. (Matt and I created a trivia game for all the kids on our bus. And can I just say we're good together? :) ) When we got back, Matt and I talked briefly about the job and then I started feeling miserable, got a fever, and went to bed.

All this to say, on Friday, I thought I had a life changing decision in my hands. Perhaps I did. But I forgot that I truly am not the one making the decision. I forgot that the Lord is perfectly capable of "figuring things out" for me, especially considering he planned it all. I forgot (until about Saturday) how important it was that I serve five 11-year-old girls, and impart wisdom on them that I learned from living the things I hope they'll avoid. I really did have a great weekend. And the good news is, even without time for my worrying, somehow God still managed to pull through. Imagine that.

In some ways, I know just what to expect for the next year or so, and in others, I have absolutely no idea. No one can predict when a life will end, when a job will pick up or die, when a friend will call for help or to accuse or to question. And I think, for once, I'm in a place where I'm okay with that uncertainty. Even a little excited. Because 'we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.' Now, to fall further in love. And what a difficult, and worthy journey that will be.

A year in waiting

Hello friends,

Well, we're one week into the new year. I don't think any new year has brought quite so much reflection for me as this year has. Maybe it's because I'm less busy than I've ever been, but I've found myself thinking about everything that's happened in the past year, and to be honest, it has been really hard.

If I had to pick one word to describe the year, it would be waiting.

I started 2010 at Urbana, where I made a commitment to do some sort of short term missions work that year. I lived in a homeless shelter... does that count? I think so, but when I filled in that commitment card, I meant something different. I had different plans. And I didn't know what those were, but my answer to so many questions that I faced throughout the year was, "I'm still waiting to hear from..." or, "I'm just waiting to find out...." I'm struggling with the feeling that the last 6 months of my life has been wasted. I know it hasn't been, but it feels that way. Because I was working toward something that never happened. And now the things that I should be doing (according to the world, according to my parents) I'm not prepared to do because I was so singularly focused on the one thing that I thought God wanted me to do.

Here I am, at the beginning of 2011, and I am tired of waiting. I'm ready for an answer. I feel desperate. I feel tired of not liking my own answers to questions that I hear constantly. But then, there's something so humbling about being where I am.

Loose ends are humbling. They remind me that I don't have it all together. No matter how on top of things I would have been in college, no matter how many career fairs I could have gone to, no matter how many internships I could have had, none of that would have guaranteed me a career, or an apartment, or security. God can provide all those things, or he can withhold them. I can trust that He has my best interests in mind, or I can try to trust in my own abilities. I wonder which way would work best...

I don't have answers. I don't have a solution. I'm resolving to keep learning how to wait better. Because Lord knows I'll at least have to wait till Monday for the next answer, and who knows what kind of waiting that one could lead to.

Love.

PS. I'd like to distinguish between waiting and anticipation. I loathe waiting to hear about a job, or a placement, or whatever. I love anticipation, which is what I feel about Elisa's suggestion! A Beady Beady getaway? Sounds like something worth waiting for :)

A beady revolution...I mean reunion...or do I?

Hey ladies,

So Heather's dream for a dance party got me thinking. There was a time when one of us said something like this: "We should get together every Christmas and go away together so we can go to Indian Lake (which is love!) where there are flowers and music and dance parties and ponies! We will be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..."

Flash forward to reality. TWO Christmases have gone by and this has not happened. Our annual trip has happened exactly one time, making it annual nonetheless, but also biannual, triannual, and a number of other "ual's," like never actUALly happening again, and intellectUALly puzzling since we're all such good friends.

I'm not sure what our excuse was in 2009, but after the 2010 Christmas of insanity for me and traveling for Hannah and limited time for Heather and being-the-only-stable-one for Kate, I think we can pretty much push meeting every Christmas as a foursome out of the picture.

Don't let this grim outlook get you down, though. The backdrop of this sisterhood is much more vibrant than the puce-y Cleveland skies. Especially since I just so happen to be a inferno for blazing ideas right now.

Here's my thought. Since Christmas gets crazy with two married beadies trying to appease families and all the other hullabaloo, and since it's kind of rude to Jesus, not to mention tacky, for us to schedule our own separate party on HIS birthday, I'm thinking we need to invent another holiday. Yep. Beady Beady day, or Beady Beaday for short.

I'm thinking that this new national (and by national I mean secret to essentially everyone but us) holiday could be used annually for us to actUALly get together. AnnUALly.

Beady Beaday doesn't have to stay the same date every year, it could float around like Easter (even though frankly I still don't understand why the most important day in the Christian year has yet to find a home). But whatever qualities we choose to attribute to this day, I think it would be wise of us to somehow squeeze into our lives a special time each year to spend a weekend together. Maybe I've just heard too many fantastical stories of best friends meeting up every year for the rest of their lives, but regardless, I say we go for it. Otherwise, who knows where the wiles of life will pull us? I know we can't know that no matter what, but I'd like to at least be able to be certain of our enduring friendship.

So for now, I don't really have a suggested date, place, or anything else detail-y about this. (Let's be honest, Kite is the details lady.) But my thoughts and my longings for dance parties and sisters had a baby, and this is what came out. Wow. I need to not write any more.

Thoughts?

.e.l.i.s.a.